Buy a fake Rolex with the cash you make by selling your broken gold to the Canadian pharmacy!

I am so over junk email.

I mean, I don't even have a penis, so why would I need to enlarge it?!? And no, I don't want to buy your fake-ass Rolex or sell my gold for cash. I also do not need or want any Canadian or Mexican pharmaceutical drugs without a prescription! (Okay, so that last one could be a lie).

But, my favorite so far has been the one from someone named "Heather" (no last name) who wants me to join the social networking site "Fuckbook".

Um....really?

First of all, let me say (and no offense to any Heathers out there) that you should probably just not trust a girl named Heather. I don't know why other than the only Heather I've ever known kicked my ass on the playground in 2nd grade for telling her that Care Bears were not, in fact, real, nor did they actually live up on the clouds above us or slide down rainbows. I'm certain that my 2nd-grade-self said this in the most gentle and caring way possible. Needless to say, that burst her little "childhood imagination bubble" and she proceeded to lay the smack down on me in defense of mythical creatures and cartoon characters the world over. That's a true story....you can't make this shit up.

But I digress.

So "Heather" wants me to join Fuckbook, huh?

Heather, I am disinclined to acquiesce to your request (name the movie and I'll give you a groovy prize package!) for a variety of reasons.

First of all Heather, I'm so sorry to inform you, I'm not gay. I may have briefly experimented in college (a la Katy Perry...and let's just be honest here, who hasn't?), but I'm just not. I have a couple of single lesbian friends who might be interested. Want to shoot me your contact info and I'll see what's up? That's really the best I can do for you.

Secondly, I have a firm belief that you should never sleep with someone without knowing his/her last name. Perhaps if you'd consider adding your last name to the invite? Which, you know, if I'm trying to hook you up with my single lesbian friends, I'm going to need anyway.

Thirdly, when someone googles me, I'd really hate for my Fuckbook page to be the first thing they see. I mean, are they going to see a profile pic of me in lingerie? Sorry Heather...I don't do naked, lingerie or swimsuit pictures. That shit does NOT need to be preserved or documented for historical purposes. Another firm belief in my string of firm beliefs and life guidelines.

So Heather, now that you know all the reasons that I will NOT be joining Fuckbook, can you please stop emailing me? Oh, and if you could pass this message on to "Staci", "Heidi" and "Phoebe", that'd be great. And you don't happen to know any of those dudes over at the penis enlargement email site, do you?? No? Bummer...