Thursday, October 22, 2009

Leavin' on a Jet Plane

Dude....I'm so totally psyched. I mean, I am like, someone-just-told-me-Taylor-Lautner-turns-18-tomorrow-and-wants-to-have-dinner-with-me psyched. I've got my books and gossip magazines ready for the plane, got my clothes all planned out (but not packed because I freakin' HAAAATTE to pack), got my hair did and I am ready!

I leave tomorrow for California.


I so love California.......well, this is only like the second time I've been, but the first time was such a wine-filled, crazy, mother-daughter-sister bonding experience, that I have retained a love for California ever since that hazy weekend trip to Napa a couple of years ago. A few highlights:

-Who the hell's idea was it to rent a convertible in San Francisco in JANUARY?!?! And BTW: have you see how small the trunks on those things are? Where are we going to fit all of the WINE?!?!

-Plus, due to the fact that you cannot be even a millisecond late to the ferry, we never got to see Alcatraz (we simply HAD to finish that second bottle of wine at lunch....we couldn't very well leave it, could we?). Screw you Alcatraz dude....which is totally what I think my mom said to him as we were leaving. On the plus side, we found a wicked-cool pub and were totally there in time for Friday evening happy hour. We bought shirts.

-I highly recommend letting the youngest member of the party drive...she's obviously got the best tolerance and totally knows where she's going through this giant redwood forest. Meanwhile, her mother will sit in the passenger seat stomping her imaginary brake while trying to read the map by the dash lights and her older sister will ride in the backseat talking on the phone to her husband about how we are totally lost in the redwood forest, mom can't read a map and all we really need is a fucking steak dinner and more wine. (True story...I was there).

-After spending all day Saturday wine-tasting, drinking wine at lunch and dinner, might I suggest starting Sunday morning at Korbel? All true Southern ladies know that champagne is a breakfast drink....and really helps take the edge off the killer hangover.

We had a blast....and ohmigod did we laugh!


THIS time I'm going to see my girlfriend who I've known for, like, ever....and I'm not taking my kids, or my husband, or any other family member...or even a freakin' dog....JUST ME....and it's going to totally kick ass.

Do you know how rare it is that mothers/wives get to be ALONE?? I often reminisce about the days of single-hood that were filled with doing what I wanted to do, when I wanted to do it. It just ain't the same once you factor in the whole kid/husband thing.

Why not? Because we are constantly caring for, thinking about caring for, purchasing something to care for, or feeling guilty because we're not sure we've cared enough for SOMEONE ELSE.

But not this weekend.


This weekend is ALL about me. And you know what I'm going to do??

Miss my family.


Monday, October 19, 2009

So it involves a nickel and a ball bearing

*Note to you: I had this great post all ready to go about some stupid (yet highly entertaining) redneck trick my brother-in-law showed me, so I googled "shotgun shell and nickel trick" (yes, I know Homeland Security will be knocking on my door any minute now), and THIS

pops up.
No, no....take a moment.....let it really sink in....
And I thought I was redneck.
You almost have to wonder if it was on purpose. Note the rott as the best man, the beer can in his hand and cigarette in that's true love right there, I don't care who you are, that's true love! And of course, there's that killer mullet and tuxedo/slasher-lumberjack/concrete-pourer-guy ensemble worn by the groom. Add to it her flip-flops and their oh-so-chic window accoutrements....not to mention the fact that she's TOTALLY 9 MONTHS PREGNANT
....and I'm truly, completely speechless.
So I totally forgot what I was originally going to blog about....I DO remember it involved a nickel and a ball bearing.....
Note to self: NEVER google the word "shotgun" never know what may pop up.

Thursday, October 15, 2009

One more and we'll all need dentures

So my husband brought home a stray dog the other day.

Yeeeaah....I was less than thrilled.

Four dogs and three horses is just a little too redneck in my book.
I mean, people lose their teeth in direct relation to how many dogs they have....I'm just sayin'.

But I was not nearly as concerned about the dog as my male Dually ("doo-ley" the truck). Let me give you the background here: we have three dogs (and all of our teeth), two are females who are not spayed and then there's Dually, who's not neutered. So you get the picture, right? Dually has one job at our make beautiful boxer babies. He doesn't have so much going for him in the brains department, so good thing he's a handsome devil and does his job well. He's like the Brad Pitt of the dog world....well, except for that whole "married to a crazy woman who wants to adopt like 700 kids and has major daddy issues".

But I digress...

So Dually gets his first look at the new stray dog today. And based on the expression on his face, I imagine their convo went something like this:

Dually: I love to run I love to run I love to run.....WHOA. Dude....
Stray: 'sup?
Dually: Uh....who the hell are you man?
Stray: I'm the stray. Don't be frontin' me or I'll jack yo' shit up dude. I got street cred.
Dually: you like girls?
Stray: Yo B....all the bitches be frontin' this playa.
Dually: Ummm...well, these two girls are mine, soooo...
Stray: I feel you man. I'm down with the threesome action my brother!
Dually: We're brothers?!?!
Stray: Nah man, it's just a sayin', we both like girls, so we're like, brothers.
Dually: Soooo, we're NOT brothers?
Stray: Man, you so crazy.
Dually: Oooookay....well I'm going to go chase this ball with my little human girl.
Stray: Chasin' balls is busted man. I'm gonna go lay down in my pad. Peace out homes.
Dually: I love to run I love to run I love to run....wait. Do I have a brother?

Like I said....not so much in the brains department.....but cute, right?
Note to self: Consider outside intervention for my there "dog tutoring"?

Wednesday, October 14, 2009

Holy. Mother. Trucker.

Yeah....give me just a minute here....

Man....that dude is easy on the eyes. Somebody get me a towel....and I don't mean for my face.

Too bad he's like 17.

When did 17-year-olds get so damn hot? When I was 17, dudes were definitely NOT this hot. What happened in the past 10 years?? If you ask me? It's all those preservatives we feed kids nowadays....and the stuff we inject into chicken. Apparently that's some baaadd shit. It was probably developed at NASA by some secretly funded government project that went awry and actually created an entire flock of deranged chickens who could perform calculus but were totally homocidal maniacs..........or not........

And really?

If this is the result?

I'm all for chicken injections.

Note to self: "I swear he looked 18" might just cut it in the case of Taylor Lautner.

Tuesday, October 13, 2009

I google, therefore, I am.

So for lack of anything better to blog about today because I'm in a bitchy mood and the perpetual rain isn't helping, I googled "popular blog topics". (YES, I know it's only the second entry and I'm already conceding writer's block and you're totally wondering why the hell I started a blog if I didn't have at LEAST a couple of entries ready to go and now you think maybe you should stop reading it because really, who runs out of stuff to blog about by the SECOND entry?!?! Get off me, people!!!!).

SIDEBAR: does anyone else feel like a wicked (and I mean wicked like "wicked cool", not like "wicked bad") genius when they google something and add it to their knowledge about random shit that no one else cares about enough to google?

Just me then???
Ooookkaaay....let's move on....

Here are the top 7 most popular blog topics of all time:

1. TECHNOLOGY BLOGS: 1.2 million visitors per day.
2. NEWS AND POLITICAL BLOGS: 779,000 visitors per day.
3. CELEBRITY BLOGS: 560,000 visitors per day.
4. LIFESTYLE BLOGS: 514,000 visitors per day.
5. ENTERTAINMENT BLOGS: 161,000 visitors per day.
6. FINANCE AND MARKETING BLOGS: 77,000 visitors per day.
7. ARCHITECTURE AND DESIGN BLOGS: 40,000 visitors per day.



Where are the food blogs? The humor blogs? Who are these techie bastards that are taking over the internet?!?! And what the hell is a "lifestyle blog"???

And is anyone else as concerned as I am that Perez Hilton's celeb-bashing blog is #7 on the list of the top 100 blogs of all time? Seriously?!?! That guy hasn't used up all 15 minutes of his fame yet?!? WTF?

Note to self: Begin offering tech tips and opinions about the day's events and news stories on the blog daily to increase popularity of my blog.....or just be a bitch like Perez Hilton.

Friday, October 9, 2009

Numero Uno

I tried to come up with a more original title for this posting, but alas, I cannot. How much more do you need to say?? I did it. Finally. People have been telling me for a while that I need to start a blog...soooo


*crickets chirping*

Yeeeaahh...that's what I was afraid of.

And you know, I don't even know what to write. I mean, yeah, random shit happens to me and yeah, most of it is funny....but what if no one gives a shit? Or even worse?!!? What if people DO start reading it and then they are constantly like, "Hey when are you going to update your blog? I bet your next posting is going to be hilarious". And then I'll be like, " there's all this pressure to be funny. What if nothing funny happens to me today and then I won't have anything to write about and then everyone will be totally disappointed in me and won't want to be my friend?"

Breathe, with the good, out with the bad.....breathe.....

Oh shit....what if my MOM finds it and starts reading it?!? And then she'll be all, "I knew you were smoking again! And then I read it on your plog." And I'll be all, "Mom, it's a blog...with a" And she'll be like, " just need to quit smoking. And are you drinking too much? You know, that's not an appropriate way to deal with stress." And I'll be all, "CLICK".


You know, I have often sat down and taken a good hard look at myself and said, "Self, do you think we drink too much?" and my self says, "Well, isn't there some sort of check-list we can use to help us figure it out?". "Sure," I say, "here hold my beer and I'll google it.", click.....type, type,,,,

"Oh shit."

Note to self: Never be completely honest on the surveys.