Do I really want to think about who is in the car in front of me at the red light? No, I don't. I want the frickin' like to change so that I can be on my way. I do not want to see your family of stick people with your 2.5 children and your dog. Do you know what I always wonder? What if the dog dies? Do you take his sticker off? Do you buy a new dog and just tell him he has to use the same sticker?? Isn't that like getting divorced and giving your new wife the same wedding set?
2. Telemarketers calling my CELL PHONE! WTF?? How did they get this number?? There are people I'm related to who don't have my cell phone number.
3. Crocs. Do I really need to explain how bad they are? You've seen them, right? TERRIBLE.
4. Those obnoxious sports decal stickers with your kids' names on them. I was behind a Suburban the other day that had FOURTEEN of them, I swear! And they were for two kids! Seriously?? You have two kids and they are into SEVEN sports each???? No wonder you drive a frickin' Suburban...you must have to sleep in that thing to get them to all the practices and games they have.
5. Knee-length shorts. Can we all just agree to commit either way? Either commit to jeans or commit to shorts. None of this namby-pamby "I can't make a decision so I'm going with 'jorts'" nonsense. I'm afraid the jury is still out on capri pants...I can't help but feel like a huge dork when I wear them (which is not often), but then other people can totally pull them off in that "I'm going yachting after we finish the back 9 at the country club" way.
6. Book series. Yes, I know...how hard is it to be irked by books when you love to read as much as I do??? But seriously...the series....it's killin' me. I am anxiously awaiting the arrival of not one, not two, but THREE different series to publish the next book! THREE! Believe me, I know writing is not a quick process (sometimes I write the same blog post for three days...and that's just a few paragraphs), BUT STILL. My thought: don't publish it until the whole damn thing is finished. I don't care if book one starts in 1982 and everyone drives Trans Ams and wears parachute pants, publish it at the same time as book four, which takes place in 2012 and the 7-year-old sister is now 34 and having kids! I'm over the waiting BS.
7. Bottled water. Because I'm pretty sure Nestle Pure Life has totally made me its bitch. And I hate that. I'll admit...the, like, ONE green thing I do is reuse a water bottle and fill it up out of the water fountain. But, it sucks. It's tap water. It tastes like crap. But I feel like such a craphead buying bottled water and drinking 8 bottles of it a day. Nestle: You own me no more!
8. The way my husband never seems to lose a damn thing. Text message, "Hey, where are my truck keys?", Me: "In my jeans from yesterday", Him: "WTF? Why didn't you put them on the bar?". I'm sorry....what? Whose truck keys are they, douchebag?? How is that I managed to lose YOUR truck keys?? In fact, so far this week, I've lost the truck keys, the pliers and two pairs of socks....that weren't mine to lose to begin with.
9. People who call, I send them to voicemail and they immediately call back. Then, when I answer and I'm like, whispering, "Hey...is everything okay? I'm in a meeting..." they're like "Oh yeah, I was just on my home from work in traffic and thought we could chat!". Really? If I don't answer, take that as a hint that I: 1. can't find my phone or 2. can't talk right now. Either way? I'll call you back....promise.
10. The bar. And no, not the bar where they sell beer and shots and occasionally you stumble onto a kick-ass live band or karaoke. The bar that is in my house and serves as a nifty little divider between my living room and kitchen. And also serves as a place for every last thing under the sun. Currently on my bar at this very moment: library books, the spare change jar, 48 baseball caps, 75 pairs of sunglasses, 3 legal pads, 14 pens, a belt, the charger for the emergency flashlight, the charger for my husband's new drill, chapstick....and the list goes on and on. O. M. G. I'm OVER the bar.