Tuesday, July 27, 2010

Other People's Kids

A couple of days ago I took the kid to McDonald's.  She was thrilled.  Really? What is it about that place?? It's an indoor playscape for crying out loud...nothing too original about that.  But ohmigod! She loves the McDonald's...

So we went.

And because it was Sunday and my husband was at the deer lease with his buddy, we stayed for as long as she wanted to.  Which seriously? Was THREE HOURS.  Yes, THREE HOURS.  Holy Lord.

While sitting there for THREE HOURS watching her play on the oh-so-original-and-popular indoor playscape, I realized something: I'm not a fan of kids.

Oh, sure, I like my kids...most of the time.  But Holy Obnoxious Batflaps Batman! Some kids? Are just downright annoying.  For example, "Personal Space Invader" kid was out in full effect.  You know these kids, right? They're the kids who have never met a stranger, like to tell you random stories about their grandma's teeth and have no problem at all sitting extremely close to, or on top of, you or your kid.  And they're usually sticky. 

"Personal Space Invader" kid's cousin, "Oversharing" kid was also there. "Hi.  My name's Molly and I go to West Elementary School and we live in the Western Falls subdivision and have a dog named Chuck.  My daddy works out of town alot and my mommy likes to eat Cheetos and watch Desperate Housewives, but we're not allowed to watch it with her".  Well great, Molly! It's so nice to meet you! I'm going to continue to ignore you and refuse to give you eye contact in the hope that my reading my book is hint enough for you to stop talking to me.  Oh and by the way, maybe you shouldn't approach a stranger and give them all this personal information in case they're "Creep at the McDonald's Playscape" guy, mmmkay??

Then there's the "Smart Ass Preteen Who Was Dragged to McDonald's with her Little Sister" kid.  She threw a smooth-ass fit because her mom got her a cheeseburger rather than a hamburger.  Her mom was all "Ohmigod, just eat it Mya and quit being a brat".  And this kid looked at her mother and goes, "No, Mom.  That's N-O.  I'm not eating it because you screwed it up".  And you know what this mother did? "Whatever Mya, you're so grounded.  I'm sick of your attitude." And the kid proceeds to roll her eyes and bury herself back into her Nintendo DS.

Um, really?

Where was the "I'm whispering but I'm really yelling at your right now and you'd better straighten your shit out while you're still in public and I can't tell you what I'm really thinking" mom voice? Or the "Would you like to go to the restroom and have a private conversation about what I really think about your little attitude"? Or even the flat-out reach across the table and oh-so-subtly pinch you on the arm so you can adjust your attitude and eat your fucking cheeseburger and like it because I paid for it and there are starving children in Ethiopia?

None of that.

Instead, Mom buries herself in her iPod Touch.

No wonder kids don't have manners nowadays....neither do their parents.

Thursday, July 15, 2010

Anniversaries and gray hairs...damn, getting old sucks.

Actual text conversation between my girlfriend and I today:

Me: I'm pretty sure I just plucked a gray hair from my eyebrow....depressing.
Her: Surely it was leftover from your blond days and just blond???
Me: Nope, I stared at it for 15 minutes trying to convince myself it was blond, but I really think it was gray.
Her: I now have 4 gray hairs.  Question--do pubes go gray, too?
Me: So I've heard, but I have no evidence.  Since I don't, like, make a habit of looking at old lady vaginas.
Her: I'm glad.  What about old man penises?
Her again: Off subject--We should wear maternity pants always.  That thick elastic band is so comfy!
Me: I know! Btw: Is it tacky to bring champagne to a resort? I'm sure they have it there, but I'm sure it's cheaper at the liquor store.
Me again: And bleh--I don't even like looking at young man penises...penises are just weird looking.
Her: Before I got pregnant, I would bring wine.
Me: So it's not tacky, just smart shopping, right?
Her: As long as you're not bringing it out like to the spa or whatever and just drinking it in your room, yeah.

What have we learned today boys and girls?
Gray hair, gray pubes and looking at old man young man penises: BAD.
Maternity pants and cheap champagne in your room at the resort: GOOD.

And on a totally unrelated note, today is my anniversary (well, I guess it's sort of related...we are going to the resort where I will be smuggling in some champagne and coincidentally, my husband has a penis.  But it's not old....and it doesn't have gray pubes...TMI? Yeah, sorry).  And I know that usually, bloggers like to write sappy prose about meeting the love of their lives and yadda yadda yadda.  Surely this is not your expectation of me at this point?

Okay, okay....I mean, I do like the guy...hey, I married him, right? So here goes....

I was fortunate enough to marry someone who accepts me unconditionally, is a good father, looks good in a cowboy hat and likes to have fun almost as much as me.  Not to mention, we like the same brand of beer, he boils some mean crawfish and loves my cooking.  And I have to say, I think that makes me pretty damn lucky.  Happy Anniversary babe!

Friday, July 9, 2010

Summer lovin'....or not.

This is what it feels like when I have writer's block....or when I feel the need to imitate a primate....or when I think I may have lice.  Or when I can't remember if I turned the coffee pot off this morning.

God, it's just so easy to pick on him....I mean, just look at him for God's sake.  He just *looks* like a dumb country boy....and trust me, when you rodeo, you've met one or two dumb country boys before. 

But this is not a political blog and I don't want to incur the wrath of my Republican readers (of which I'm sure there are only a few), so moving on.

My whole grand plan of having lots of time off in the summer to write extra-witty, super-funny blog posts has not come to fruition.  At all.  *sigh*  Instead my time off this summer has been filled with cheap movies, free bowling, the public library and pretty much anything else that's free/cheap and entertains my children for at least a couple of hours.  Otherwise, they stare at the TV (I think I've pretty much seen every Hannah Montana ever made....and now I'm excitedly awaiting the premier this Sunday of the last season....I wish I was kidding).  Sidebar: One cool thing they have discovered this summer is Wizard101.  I'm not sure if your kids play it or not, but dude, you have got to check it out.  Like, *I* want to play it.  But of course, they will play it for 7 hours straight unless made to do something more productive.

The other thing that's happened to prevent the creation of my blogging empire this summer is that my husband has been hanging out.  Like, with me.  And the kids.  All this family bonding is about to drive me fucking crazy.  This is the blessing/curse that comes with a husband who owns his own business.  He can blow off a couple of hours of returning phone calls, etc. to come with you to take the kids bowling.....which is really annoying fantastic obnoxious....er....nice.  Which in turn results in this conversation:

Him: Are you really ordering a beer at free summer bowling at 11:15 in the morning?
Me: Are you really sitting here with me right now?
Him: I mean, I guess it's no big deal, but you're like the only person in this whole bowling alley drinking beer.  And there's like, tons of kids and parents around... 
Me: I'm a trend setter. Besides, all those moms over there? They're totally wishing they had spiked their travel coffee mugs with vodka.
Him: Yeah, they like had to get the bartender guy from the back where he hadn't even clocked in yet to fill your beer....don't you think that's a message that maybe it's a little early?
Me: Have you even read the first amendment? I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, which really means, drinking beer whenever and wherever the fuck I want to....duh.
Him: I don't think that's what that means.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, shut up.
Him: That's real mature.
Me (in a high-pitched voice): That's real mature.
Him: I'm going to work.

Mission: Accomplished.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

I think it's safe to say we all learned our lesson

You know those phone calls you get from daycare at 11:15 that immediately indicate to you something is wrong with your kid?

Yeah, I got one of those on Thursday.

And I'm immediately all "Okay, I can leave work a little early to grab her and get her to the doctor because I'm sure she's running fever.  And then tomorrow, Ronnie can spend the first half of the day home with her and I'll take the afternoon shift because they won't let her come back to daycare until she's fever-free for 24 hours.  I'd better stop on the way to daycare and get some more ibuprofen because I think we are almost out and I wonder if it's her 6-year molars again or if she's got another ear infection.  Jesus, I thought we were finally done with ear infections!"....a little over-anxious much? Probably.  But this is what mothers do...because I think men are incapable of attending to that many details at once. 

But I digress.

Turns out? She let one of her buddies at daycare stick a berry in her ear. 

Actually in both ears, but her teacher managed to get one of them out with tweezers.

So she's got a tiny little berry stuck in her ear.

And they can't get it out.

So I leave work, Ronnie gets her and we meet at the house. 

No luck with the berry extraction.

I had already called the pediatrician and they got her in within the hour (which is awesome, by the way, and almost never happens). 

I will say they gave it the ol' college try....2 hours and 3 physicians later? No berry.

So to the ENT we go.

And finally, with the introduction of the Ear Vacuum, the berry is out.  Sidebar: I am totally thinking that the Ear Vacuum is something that Billy Mays would have done an infomercial for and sold on TV for three low easy payments of $49.99.  But I just can't figure out why people would think they needed one?? But you know, I have the same question about most things sold on infomercials, so perhaps this is a moot point.  "Don't delay! Get your Ear Vac today!"

Lesson learned this week:
-Antibiotics during 2 years of ear infections: $300
-Two sets of tubes: $200
-Co-pays incurred during the berry incident of 2010: $60
-Hearing your kid say she'll never stick anything else in her ear again because the ear vacuum "totally freaked me out"?? Priceless.