Friday, October 29, 2010

Oh Canada!

My husband sold his truck! Good news because: 1) no more truck payment and 2) new (to me) car for ME!!!


The weird thing about it was, he sold it to some guy in Canada. CANADA! Holy crap dude! That's a long damn way to travel to buy a truck! I mean, they do sell trucks in Canada, right?? But apparently, they're like, super expensive and it's hard to find a good used one because of all the salt they use on the road for the ice and snow and blah, blah, blah. (Can you tell when I quit listening?)

Anyway, the whole experience has been rather….odd. Because there's a lot of back and forth and mailing deposit checks and working with international banks and yadda yadda yadda. So it's kind of been a cluster fuck and it's still not over! I think we're seriously going on like a month of bank/funds/international dealings.  (Don't we sound so worldly??)

So Ronnie's telling me all about this and how our bank is talking to their bank and on and on…and then he's all, "And I just couldn't get a clear answer, so I decided to call the Bank of Montreal and talk to the guy who signed off on the cashier's check and figure out what the hold up was." And I'm all, "Yeah, I can see....Wait. You called who?" And he says, "The Bank of Montreal". And I'm like, "YOU CALLED CANADA?!?! ON YOUR CELL PHONE?!!?" And he's all,"……yeeeaah……why? Was that bad?"


"Um, Canada's like a whole other country dude! That probably cost like $5.00 a minute! WTF!?!? How long were you on the phone?!?"

"About five minutes…besides, Canada's like the US…I mean, it's just right up there north of us."

Okay, yes, that's it…Canada's totally the US….except for the fact that it's its OWN FREAKIN' COUNTRY!! Didn't you see the Southpark movie where we declared WAR on Canada?!!? Why would we declare war on ourselves, you moron!?!? (Sidebar: in retrospect, not the best argument for why Canada is its own country, but I was so flabbergasted by his whole 'It's just the extreme northern US' argument, I couldn't come up with anything really coherent...) (Second Sidebar: Don't you just love using the word "flabbergasted"?? Me, too!!)

And he's like "Jeez…chill. It's not that big of a deal…I'm sure it wasn't that expensive."

In other news: Verizon Wireless confirms that calls to Canada are $.49 per minute. Oh, and Canadians have confirmed that they are, in fact, a country.

Oh, and yes, I freakin' LOVE my new car.  Seriously.  Like, I just want to move into it.  I spent most of Sunday just sitting in it in the driveway.  I'm not kidding.

Thursday, October 21, 2010

So, Vanilla Ice apparently has mad construction skills.

So. (Sidebar: Have you noticed how many times I start sentences or posts with "so"?? Weird.) Anyway, so we recently acquired cable…well, satellite actually because we live in the boonies and can't get actual cable. I did not want the satellite…preferring instead to spend my time in much more useful endeavors like reading….or facebooking…or drinking beer. So (there it is again! Dammit Jim!), guess who did?

Yep. HE wanted the satellite.

So (Ohmigod…make me stop!) to the satellite store we go. Not really…I mean, you order satellite off the infomercial when it comes on regular TV by quickly dialing the 1-800 number they flash on the screen for like .03 seconds when there's no way of actually dialing the entire number before it disappears from view. Or, you get on the intraweb….man is that thing handy.

So (seriously, it's like an addiction at this point…), anyway, we have satellite.

And, can I just tell you that the hours that he has since spent watching the hunting channel have a direct correlation to the hours that are NOT spent doing useful things like cleaning the house, playing with the kid or, you know, showering.

And I hate the satellite.  (Not so much because of that…because let's just be honest here, how much housecleaning was he *really* doing when we didn't have satellite? At least now, he's not following me around while I'm cleaning wanting to know if we can have sex….he's occupied with The Duck Commander…who I'm pretty sure can scare anyone off of having sex for a good long time. Have you seen these dudes?? SCARY.  Yet oddly representative of the North Louisiana redneck I grew up with...)

But I digress (again).

I hate the satellite because I am now sucked in to the most random shit on TV and it clogs my brain with useless trivia that is taking up space where other information (like when my kids' birthdays are, my voicemail password or the last time I shaved my armpits) needs to be stored.

So (Holy Lord...I'm going to have to start some sort of 12-step program!) I now know, for example, that Vanilla Ice's retirement plan includes owning his own construction company. He specializes in remodeling and has his own show on the Do-It-Yourself Network.

Reality Shows I Could Host/Star In When I Retire:
- Bottles vs. Cans: The Ultimate Showdown
-Living with Three Dogs and Why You Shouldn't Do It
-25 Minute Meals That Convince Your Family You *Actually* Cooked Dinner
-Pint Glass Collection Roadshow
-Save the Hoohas: A History of Women's Body Hair Trends

On another note, this is blog post 100! Holy shit balls! I can't believe I actually came up with 100 posts of random crap to talk about! I hope you have been at least a little amused…thanks for sticking with me! ~NTS

Thursday, October 7, 2010

The Whales Have Their Own "Save Us" Thing, So Why Can't We??

So the last few posts have been swirling around in my brain for some time trying, somehow, to mesh into this fledgling idea for an advertising campaign.

Let's review:

-I should've/almost/sort of went to law school

-My husband almost died of salmonella, but was saved by a hot Brazilian doctor and her rectal exam

-I am strongly opposed to vaginal abuse

Um, okay, so the second one really has nothing to do  with with anything....BUT

What do the other two coalesce into in my (arguably) brilliant mind?


Think: "Save the Tatas" or "I Love Boobies", but without the requirement for fundraising.

Isn't that freakin' awesome?!!?

A whole advertising campaign centered around a woman's right to choose the state of her hooha hairiness without being forced to give in to the media pressure to be bald, blinged, shaved or sugared!

Just picture it: wristbands urging consumers to SAVE THE HOOHAS!, T-shirts that say "I *heart* my hooha" or "I love coochies", infomercials urging women to make informed decisions about shaving, waxing, sugaring, threading or vajazzling their nether regions by getting all the facts FIRST!

*GASP* I just had the best idea!!! Vajazzling kits done in our very own lime green ribbons for "Happy Hooha Awareness Month"!!! OMG!!! LOVE IT!! (And yes, the color for this campaign is lime green. Um, look around…I flippin' love lime green. Oh, and pink, besides being already taken for "Save the Tatas" is also, somehow, grossing me out as the color for a vaginal-treatment awareness campaign. Blech.)

Man…it's going to be awesome.

We are changing the world one neatly trimmed vagina at a time, my friends. We should have a kick-off event! But none of the typical fundraising things like a bake sale or a 5K or whatever. How about a margarita tasting (hellooo..lime green!)?!!? $20 bucks gets you a margarita glass (inscribed with "I have a happy hooha!") and several margarita tasters! All proceeds benefit….um….our vaginal abuse charity (or, me).

I feel like Mikey in the Goonies "Down here, it's our time! It's our time down here!"…or "down there"…as the case may be. 

And I only picked June because nothing really happens in June....besides summer...and my husband's birthday, but nothing like "national" or anything.

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Well, hey sugar! Come on over here and have a seat!

I had dinner with a girlfriend the other night...which is something that like, almost never happens. For some reason, it's just too much of a hassle to get the kid home, wait for my husband to get home, get all ready and then drive downtown. Because really? What's the point of going out to dinner with your girls if you're just going to the same restaurant you always go to with your husband and kids??

Um, no. Girl dinner is all about good wine, good food and good company.

So it was great. I hadn't seen this particular friend in a while and she travels regularly for work, so it was good to sit down and catch up over Italian food and red wine.

But then.

She proceeds to inform me about her latest salon discovery.


Basically, here's what I got from her: It's a process where a person (I'm assuming a small Asian lady because they are apparently the only people trained in the art of waxing/threading/hair removal), covers the area to be "waxed" (yes, generally your hooha) with this odd sugary/honey mixture and then RIPS IT OFF!

So, pretty much like waxing, but I guess it smells better?

Anyway. So that's not even the worst part...I mean, we're all old hats at the shaving, threading, bleaching, waxing game when it comes to showing body hair who's boss, right? Heck, we've even bedazzled some of our *ahem* hairier regions.  And I'm sorry, but seriously, can they call it something else? "Sugaring" brings to mind either a cooking show with Paula Dean or a bachelor party at a strip club.

The worst part is that when you get "sugared", the person doing the sugaring proceeds to "sugar" in all the creases, cracks and crevices!
I for one was incredulous.  "Really?!?! For the love of all that is holy! Why?? Why must this insanity continue??".  And she was all "It's no big's kinda cool.  My sister-in-law got it done for her wedding night and I have a couple of other friends who have done it before for special occasions."  Then? It clicked.

After realizing exactly what she had just desribed to me, I believe my exact response was something like, "Um, wait. So this lady sugared your taint?? And your butt??".

And yep, that was pretty much it in a nutshell.  Let me just say for the record that there is no "occasion" special enough for THAT to happen.