Monday, January 31, 2011

Great news! Apparently, I'm rich...and have relatives in the UK. Who knew??

In my email this morning:


My name is Brown Heyman, formerly working with S N S Bank Netherlands Branch, presently I am working with Capital One Bank Europe Plc here in United Kingdom. I have a proposal to discuss with you about a certain bonded account in our Bank. The bonded Account has a balance of 17.3Million dollars.
It will be beneficial to all parties concerned I am contacting you on this due to you share the same Family name with the Bonded Account.
Thanks and hoping to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,
Brown Heyman

Dear Mr. Heyman (by the way, is that "hey-man" as in "Hey! What's up, man?" or "hy-men" as in "Horseback riding can prematurely break your hymen"? If it's the first one, cool...but if it's the second one, can I just say that "Brown Hymen" sounds pretty frickin' gross? Sorry.)

Okay, so Dear Mr. Heyman,

Hey! How are you?  Hmmm....too "familiar sounding"...I mean, I don't even know this guy. Okay how about this?

Thank you for contacting me regarding my millions of dollars. I will be eagerly awaiting your check.  However, since you didn't even use my name in your email (by the way, "Attention:" at the start of a letter kinda sounds rude....just sayin'), I'm going to assume you'll need that information.  Oh wait, well since my name matches the last name on your "Account", then you can just make it out to "Ms. Whatever-name-is-on-your-Bonded-Account", mmmkay? Perfect.  Oh, and what is with the overuse of capital letters?? Is that like a British thing? Or a Netherlands thing?

Oh, and as for that....I don't really care where your former place of employment was.  I mean, thanks for sharing and all, but it's not like I had a lot of dealings with you when you were at the bank in the Netherlands, so I haven't been like, searching for where you are now employed or anything.  As to the move from the Netherlands to the UK, congrats! Surely it's a little warmer where you are now? I hope you're all settled in and unpacked and all...I think I still have boxes packed from when we moved into our house six years ago! But, I'll bet since you're a banker and all you're probably like, way more anal than I am, so I'm sure you're all settled in.

So you work for Capitol One now? Awesome! Can you do me a huge favor and have them stop making those stupid Viking commercials? I mean, really? Those commercials do not make me want to bank at Capitol fact, they make me think that everyone who works at Capitol One is a moron.  Except for you, of course.  Anyhoo...thanks for taking care of that for me.

Well, thanks so much for getting in touch with me...I'm sure my relative in the UK who invested much more wisely than I did will be thrilled that an American cousin with whom he/she never actually had any contact with ended up with his/her children's inheritance.  You must be so proud of your work! I'll be expecting my check in the next week or so.

Yours Most Ever Sincerely and Truly,
A Hotmail User in the US

Friday, January 7, 2011

Conversations with things that will never answer me back. And yes, I know that sounds slightly deranged.

Yes, I'll admit it.  Sometimes, I have conversations with things that I know cannot answer me back.  I realize this makes me weird and may actually make me look like the homeless bag lady muttering to herself or her grocery cart, BUT....I do it anyway.  I talk to my dogs, to my car, to my computer...even to my cell phone....and not while someone's on the other end of it, like, to the actual phone itself.

Cell Phone: reoiujsdfnlkae
Me: Really?!? And you call yourself a "smart phone"?? I typed "meet me at happy hour" and that's what you came up with?? You and your stupid fancy touch-screen keypad....

Me: Whoa! Slow down girl! What are you trying to do, get me a ticket?? Jeez....
Car: vrooooommmm
Me: Much better.

Computer: Error Message 2145: You suck as a computer user.
Me: Oh yeah?!? Well you know who's NOT getting a Windows upgrade for Christmas, huh?? Yeah, YOU stupid "think you're smarter than me" computer.  Screw you!
Computer: Error Message: 2146: You really are stupid.

Electronics can be such assholes.

The best never going to answer me back things that I talk to though are the dogs.

I'm a huge animal lover (except for cats....and birds...and lizards...oh, and those weird hairless dogs from Mexico. At least I think they're from Mexico....I'm almost certain they're "Mexican Hairless" dogs. Hmmm...maybe. I could have totally made that up. Anyway...bottom line: don't like them.).

Okay, so let me rephrase, I'm a lover of big furry animals that aren't cats. There.

I have three big dogs and two horses (that are actually my kid's horses, but you know, we have them so they're kind of mine, too...except the girl is like, tiny and I couldn't actually get on her without her falling to the ground and screaming "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The weight of it is on my back! For the love of horses everywhere, somebody save me!!!". But other than that, she's totally almost mine.  And the boy is older than dirt and as fluffy as a you just kinda feel sorry for him and don't want to ride him.  So in summary: we have two fairly pointless horses who eat alot.)

BUT! We love our animals! The dogs come in the house, they sleep in the kid's bed...they're all totally rotten. And all of my animals have voices. Like, when they talk to me. Okay, so they don't really talk to me, but I think I know what they're saying so they talk through me. I was watching one of those dog trainer shows at a friend's house the other day and the girl who owned three Great Danes (OMG! THREE!!) told the dog trainer lady she had voices for her dogs and the dog trainer lady was all "Um...okay, that's weird."

But I totally do, too!

Dually (he sounds like Lenny from Of Mice and Men): Can we play ball now, mom? Please? I been a very good boy today. I promise I won't petted it too hard again.

Sasha (she sounds like Wanda Sykes): I don't know 'bout you, but I think that white boy's too crazy with that ball. Why's he gettin' slobber all up in here?

Sandy (she sounds like a Mean Girl but like, *really* mean): Like oh my god...seriously. He has got to totally chill with that ball thing. Or I am going to totally kick his ass.
It's just ridiculous....but highly entertaining....especially when you mix "dog-talking" and alcohol.  Good times.