Friday, January 7, 2011

Conversations with things that will never answer me back. And yes, I know that sounds slightly deranged.

Yes, I'll admit it.  Sometimes, I have conversations with things that I know cannot answer me back.  I realize this makes me weird and may actually make me look like the homeless bag lady muttering to herself or her grocery cart, BUT....I do it anyway.  I talk to my dogs, to my car, to my computer...even to my cell phone....and not while someone's on the other end of it, like, to the actual phone itself.

Cell Phone: reoiujsdfnlkae
Me: Really?!? And you call yourself a "smart phone"?? I typed "meet me at happy hour" and that's what you came up with?? You and your stupid fancy touch-screen keypad....

Me: Whoa! Slow down girl! What are you trying to do, get me a ticket?? Jeez....
Car: vrooooommmm
Me: Much better.

Computer: Error Message 2145: You suck as a computer user.
Me: Oh yeah?!? Well you know who's NOT getting a Windows upgrade for Christmas, huh?? Yeah, YOU stupid "think you're smarter than me" computer.  Screw you!
Computer: Error Message: 2146: You really are stupid.

Electronics can be such assholes.

The best never going to answer me back things that I talk to though are the dogs.

I'm a huge animal lover (except for cats....and birds...and lizards...oh, and those weird hairless dogs from Mexico. At least I think they're from Mexico....I'm almost certain they're "Mexican Hairless" dogs. Hmmm...maybe. I could have totally made that up. Anyway...bottom line: don't like them.).

Okay, so let me rephrase, I'm a lover of big furry animals that aren't cats. There.

I have three big dogs and two horses (that are actually my kid's horses, but you know, we have them so they're kind of mine, too...except the girl is like, tiny and I couldn't actually get on her without her falling to the ground and screaming "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The weight of it is on my back! For the love of horses everywhere, somebody save me!!!". But other than that, she's totally almost mine.  And the boy is older than dirt and as fluffy as a you just kinda feel sorry for him and don't want to ride him.  So in summary: we have two fairly pointless horses who eat alot.)

BUT! We love our animals! The dogs come in the house, they sleep in the kid's bed...they're all totally rotten. And all of my animals have voices. Like, when they talk to me. Okay, so they don't really talk to me, but I think I know what they're saying so they talk through me. I was watching one of those dog trainer shows at a friend's house the other day and the girl who owned three Great Danes (OMG! THREE!!) told the dog trainer lady she had voices for her dogs and the dog trainer lady was all "Um...okay, that's weird."

But I totally do, too!

Dually (he sounds like Lenny from Of Mice and Men): Can we play ball now, mom? Please? I been a very good boy today. I promise I won't petted it too hard again.

Sasha (she sounds like Wanda Sykes): I don't know 'bout you, but I think that white boy's too crazy with that ball. Why's he gettin' slobber all up in here?

Sandy (she sounds like a Mean Girl but like, *really* mean): Like oh my god...seriously. He has got to totally chill with that ball thing. Or I am going to totally kick his ass.
It's just ridiculous....but highly entertaining....especially when you mix "dog-talking" and alcohol.  Good times.

1 comment:

  1. My dog totally has a voice :) His is like the cartoon dog....."Which ay did he go George, which way did he go?" Might not be too far off from Lennie....I think the cartoon was actually a take off from Of Mice and Men :) Yep, my dog has a voice, and even if he doesn't answer I answer for him.

    Amy: What are you doing? This food isn't for you!
    Howie (translated by me in cartoon voice)Are you sure? My food comes in a crinkly bag just like that and you keep it in the pantry too! Come on, come on, just let me try it to make sure!