Tuesday, November 30, 2010

Yes, Virginia, there really is an afterlife....you just don't really want to think about it.

No, I'm not dead.  I'm just completely overwhelmed with work, the impending holidays, the recently passed turkey day and all the day-to-day crapola that it takes to keep a household running, a husband at least somewhat happy and a kid halfway between "homeless child wipedown" and "clean".

However,  if I really was dead, then I'd be typing this from the beyond...weird, huh? So this would be a message from the afterlife, more specifically, *my* afterlife....which I'm pretty sure will be....er...South.  Do you think computers can withstand flames? I mean, I guess being raised Catholic and attending 13 years of parochial school left me with a fairly healthy respect for the idea of hell.

It also left me with a pretty good idea that I'm probably going to end up there at some point.

I mean, I'm pretty sure you don't live out my 20s and still get to push the "Up" button....just sayin'.

So here's what I picture: I'll die, wake up in a hotel hallway facing an elevator bank and all the buttons will only point down.  Left with no clear choice, I'll push the down button, the elevator doors will open and voila! The elevator will be filled with Madalyn Murray-O'Hair, Ozzie Osbourne, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, 50 million cats and like 20 people I know. (No, not you....I would never say you're going to hell.  Oh, yes, definitely you.  And you.  And most likely you.) And I think, despite the threat of eternity in hell, there will be a bit of a festive atmosphere.  At least, I hope.

Not really...I'm just being twisted and perhaps funny? Probably not. But I plead temporary insanity brought on by exhaustion.

However, I do now and will always maintain that cats are from the devil.  So they are probably the truest part of this scenario.

This is so NOT what I intended to write about when I sat down at my computer...I mean, who says to themselves, "I think I'll write about going to hell today".  Jeez....I'm such a weirdo.

Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friendship Guidelines (not so much "rules"…just "guidelines"….sort of like being a pirate with Johnny Depp)

#1: If you're in the midst of a crisis, PLEASE call! I'll talk to you, I'll agree with your gripes, I'll cry with you if need be! DON'T go through a crisis and get all pissed off at me for not using my Jedi mind powers to know that you were going through something and needed a friend. And facebooking your crises and expecting everyone to comment on your "poor, pitiful me" status updates is LAME. You don't need a friend in that case, you just need attention.

#2: Don't tell me what a total freakin' loser/jerk/dick/douche/bitch your husband/fiancée/boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/significant other is and then expect me to be nice to him/her/it the next time I see y'all together.

#3: I generally don't feel the need to talk to my friends every single day. I know you are my friend and you know I am your friend. We should feel secure in our "friendness" with one another. I may, however, text you in the middle of the night after a few bottles…er...glasses of wine letting you know that I think __________ (insert random person/picture/email/facebook post) is the funniest damn thing I have EVER SEEN! This serves as validation of our friendship…it means I like you, not that I want to annoy you….even if annoying you accidentally happened in the process.

#4: Along those same lines, I enjoy being alone. My saying "no" to hanging out with you has way less to do with you and your issues and way more to do with me needing downtime. It just gets tiring being this freakin' awesome all the time…I mean, the awesomeness has to get some rest! So, don't take it personally. (Yes, I'm totally kidding about the being freakin' awesome part…but not so much about the being alone part).

#5: I don't like cats or little fluffy dogs (please refer to this and this for specific details). I still have somehow managed to like you even though you like cats or little fluffy dogs….don't fuck it up by allowing said cat or little fluffy dog to climb on me, sit near me, lick me or hunch my leg.

#6: You are welcome at my house any time of the day or night. No problem! We can hang out! Bring beer! Do not expect my house to be clean. I will feed you, but I will not clean for you. You probably won't even notice since we'll most likely be hanging out outside. If you do not like to hang out outside and would prefer to hang out in a nice, clean house, how are we friends?

#7: I like to eat….and have drinks. I do NOT like to: work out, exercise, go running, go walking, try the new Latin dance class you're going to that's really a workout hiding behind funky music and hip gyrations. Happy hour? Call me. Work out? Phone a(nother) friend.

#8: While I am a sarcastic and cynical person, I do have my insecurities. When I call you feeling insecure and whiny and you are concerned about me and think we should get together and talk so you can "cheer me up", happy hour is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. For the love of all that is holy, SUGGEST IT!

#9: Yes, I do have friends that don't drink. I don't *always* have to drink alcohol to have fun. I like non-alcoholic outings such as going to festivals, going shopping, riding horses, etc. These things are not generally good mixes with alcohol. BUT. If you have invited me to: play golf, go bowling, fish, hunt, go to the lake/river, go to one of those indoor kid's game/pizza places, go out to dinner or come over to play cards, cook out and sit by the fire? I will come with an ice chest or order wine. Don't judge.

#10: I really don't have another one, but I can't stand lists with odd numbers of items on them. OCD much? Why yes, don't mind if I do.