Thursday, November 4, 2010

Friendship Guidelines (not so much "rules"…just "guidelines"….sort of like being a pirate with Johnny Depp)

#1: If you're in the midst of a crisis, PLEASE call! I'll talk to you, I'll agree with your gripes, I'll cry with you if need be! DON'T go through a crisis and get all pissed off at me for not using my Jedi mind powers to know that you were going through something and needed a friend. And facebooking your crises and expecting everyone to comment on your "poor, pitiful me" status updates is LAME. You don't need a friend in that case, you just need attention.

#2: Don't tell me what a total freakin' loser/jerk/dick/douche/bitch your husband/fiancée/boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/significant other is and then expect me to be nice to him/her/it the next time I see y'all together.

#3: I generally don't feel the need to talk to my friends every single day. I know you are my friend and you know I am your friend. We should feel secure in our "friendness" with one another. I may, however, text you in the middle of the night after a few bottles…er...glasses of wine letting you know that I think __________ (insert random person/picture/email/facebook post) is the funniest damn thing I have EVER SEEN! This serves as validation of our friendship…it means I like you, not that I want to annoy you….even if annoying you accidentally happened in the process.

#4: Along those same lines, I enjoy being alone. My saying "no" to hanging out with you has way less to do with you and your issues and way more to do with me needing downtime. It just gets tiring being this freakin' awesome all the time…I mean, the awesomeness has to get some rest! So, don't take it personally. (Yes, I'm totally kidding about the being freakin' awesome part…but not so much about the being alone part).

#5: I don't like cats or little fluffy dogs (please refer to this and this for specific details). I still have somehow managed to like you even though you like cats or little fluffy dogs….don't fuck it up by allowing said cat or little fluffy dog to climb on me, sit near me, lick me or hunch my leg.

#6: You are welcome at my house any time of the day or night. No problem! We can hang out! Bring beer! Do not expect my house to be clean. I will feed you, but I will not clean for you. You probably won't even notice since we'll most likely be hanging out outside. If you do not like to hang out outside and would prefer to hang out in a nice, clean house, how are we friends?

#7: I like to eat….and have drinks. I do NOT like to: work out, exercise, go running, go walking, try the new Latin dance class you're going to that's really a workout hiding behind funky music and hip gyrations. Happy hour? Call me. Work out? Phone a(nother) friend.

#8: While I am a sarcastic and cynical person, I do have my insecurities. When I call you feeling insecure and whiny and you are concerned about me and think we should get together and talk so you can "cheer me up", happy hour is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. For the love of all that is holy, SUGGEST IT!

#9: Yes, I do have friends that don't drink. I don't *always* have to drink alcohol to have fun. I like non-alcoholic outings such as going to festivals, going shopping, riding horses, etc. These things are not generally good mixes with alcohol. BUT. If you have invited me to: play golf, go bowling, fish, hunt, go to the lake/river, go to one of those indoor kid's game/pizza places, go out to dinner or come over to play cards, cook out and sit by the fire? I will come with an ice chest or order wine. Don't judge.

#10: I really don't have another one, but I can't stand lists with odd numbers of items on them. OCD much? Why yes, don't mind if I do.


  1. Oh why haven't we hung out more?!?!?! If I had made a list it would look a lot like this. Especially about the furry things, but you could add small children to that as well. If it can't control it's fluids I don't want it on my lap.

  2. BTW - my verification word was vulgar! Must know what type of blog this is ;)