Thursday, May 17, 2012

Fifty Shades of WTF?

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AND REALLY REALLY WANT TO WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT? STOP READING. (Also, if you are embarrassed about talking about sex, stop reading...OH, and mom? I know you probably won't stop reading because you're secretly my biggest fan, but you may want to sit this one out.  No hard feelings.)

I generally jump onto whatever “book o’ the month” bandwagon comes along. I read all the Harry Potter books, the Twilight books, Shutter Island, The Help…you get the picture. So of course, when I heard about Fifty Shades of Grey, I just had to read it, too.

I heard all the hype…it’s “mommy porn”, it’s “erotic romance” blah blah blah. Okay, sure…I’m down with that. What the heck? This book was THE topic of conversation at the ball field a few weeks ago. Okay, sure, if these chicks can get into it, so can I. So I got it. From the public library. (Which, incidentally, and a little shocking for my tiny Texas town, hasn’t banned it). And I read it.

O. M. Jesus.

Fifty Shades of WTF?

Seriously?? People are into this?? Ohmigod! These are some seriously whacked “mommy porn” readers!!! I am re-evaluating every mom that I know at this point! Not to mention, every mom that participated in that conversation!

If you haven’t read it yet, SPOILER ALERT! Stop reading now! Really. Stop. This is not a review....this is just a random collection of thoughts I've had about the books since I've read them.  And some of it is really specific.  And you'll get pissed off.  And I don't want to hear it, trust me.

My thoughts on these books (in no semblance of order):

-The writing is terrible. I can’t even deal with it. The grammar, the conversation, the description of genitalia…all of it. BAD.

-Why in the name of all that is holy did no one tell me that the whole thing is about BDSM??? (And for those of you that don’t know, ‘BDSM’ means ‘bondage and S&M’….and if you don’t know what that means…ummmm…go ask your mom). I’m all on board with the steamy sex scenes BUT…just when it’s getting good, he hauls off and SPANKS her?!?! Like, repeatedly. And hard. Ummm, no thank you. Don’t get me wrong….what you do in your bedroom is totally your business. It’s just not really my thing. AND now everyone that I know that has read it? I picture getting spanked. And then I just get grossed out….because I don’t want to think about it. But I can’t NOT think about it. Oh good lord.

-And a second “Dammit, I wish I would’ve known before getting sucked into the poorly-written lives of these seriously crazy characters” item: she’s a VIRGIN. Really? You are really trying to sell me on the fact that a young woman saved herself for 22 years to be tied up and spanked by a ridiculously hot and seriously eff’d up billionaire?? Really?? I would think if you had NEVER had sex in all your 22 years and some dude hauled off and smacked you, you’d be scared shitless. And wondering what all the hype was about. But, maybe that’s just me.

-If I had a nickel for every time Anastasia Steele (the main girl character’s name) says and/or thinks “Holy shit”, I’d have crapload of nickels.

-Sexy books should never refer to female genitalia as “womanhood”. Ever. Nor should your sexual preferences be referred to as “kinky fuckery”. Both of these terms make me laugh. And I’m pretty sure that was not the author’s intention.

-While I commend the writer on promoting the idea of safe sex and planned parenthood, I also lose my focus when, during the hottest parts, Christian Grey (the main guy’s name) has to “pull out a foil packet” and put on a condom. Really?? You are a billionaire with kinky sexual preferences and had a seriously messed up childhood….get a vasectomy.

-The seriously messed up childhood. Talk about a buzz kill. Okay, he’s hot, he’s rich and he likes it rough. Cool. Do we need to delve into the whys and wherefores? No. Just when I’m thinking, “Okay, this is getting good”…we have to have an entire chapter devoted to his ‘scars’, his cracked out mom, her pimp, etc. etc. etc. Terrible. Sad. NOT what I want to read about in what’s being touted as “mommy porn”.

-My husband wants a refund (but since I got them at the library, they were free)…mainly because he was expecting me to be hot and waiting for him after reading them. Annddd…what with the spanking and the ‘kinky fuckery’ and whatnot….that hasn’t really been the case. He’s disappointed.

To be fair: I’m halfway through the second book…I have not read the entire trilogy, so perhaps some of these issues are resolved later on in the story. I mean, maybe Christian gets a vasectomy and Anastasia stops saying ‘holy shit’. For some reason, I think not.

Sidebar: I had NO CLUE these books were supposed to be the author's take on Edward and Bella if they were human and adults.  I totally missed that.  Soooo...yeah....I guess that whole point of view was wasted on me.  And I *read* the frickin' Twilight books....

Friday, May 11, 2012

MOM: Methods O' Madness

Mother’s Day Weekend is this weekend. And although I am FIRMLY of the belief that I’m not a “Mommy Blogger” (and if I am, I’m sure all of you think my kid is royally screwed up at this point), I am a Mom. And I do have a blog. So…yeaaahh…I guess that could add up.

I refuse to admit it.

Anyway: Mother’s Day Weekend. Awesome. Hand-made school craft from the kid, grilled steak from the man…good times.

And absolutely, positively, with no exceptions (okay, maybe diamond-type exceptions) NO Mother’s-Day-themed crap like the “Charmed Memories” bracelet from Kay Jewelers or the “Fields of Europe” bouquet from 1800flowers for this Mom.  This Mom would much prefer sunshine, river time and Miller Lite, I promise.  The whole kitschy "Oh mom, you're so wonderful I bought you this pre-designed, over one million made like it in the world, all-the-thinking-done-for-me *fill in the blank*!", is just not my thing.

Don't get me wrong, I like Mother’s Day. I really do.  It's just all the pressure to "make sure Mom has the best day ever!" or "Make this Mother's Day the most memorable."  Really? Just make it an enjoyable day....where maybe I don't have to play "mom" as much as I normally do.  Tell me thanks for all the crap I do, do some of that crap for me and just generally give me a little extra attention.  Honestly, my husband is pretty good at it…it really is all about me, what I want to eat, what I want to do, etc.

The problem is: I find it really hard to ‘turn off’. Meaning, if there is crap on the floor, I’m picking it up. If there are dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper, I’m sorting them. If the kid wants a sandwich, I will fix it. And all the while, he’s all, “Honey, it’s Mother’s Day…you don’t have to do that!” or “Will you stop cleaning and just relax??”. Yeah, I’d love to. But I can’t. (I know...Type A much?) Please don't get me wrong...I don't enjoy cleaning, I'm not Suzy Homemaker and I'd much rather the kid learn to make her owning frickin' sandwich (for the love of all that is holy...two pieces of bread, some mayo and some turkey! What is so hard?!!?). BUT, it's what I do. 

So basically, you're telling me, "Hey, it's your day and we want you to do none of the stuff you normally do in a day, so fill your day with things that you NEVER do."

NEVER do? Well, I guess "never-since-having-kids-NEVER".  Hmmm...okay, here goes...this Mother's Day, I will:
-Sit and read and refuse to answer "Mom! Mom! Momma! Mooooommmmmm! MOOOOOMMMMM!" all day long.
-Drink coffee until my bladder can hold no more rather than scarfing down one cup to make my eyelids open.
-Pee without A. having a conversation through the door, B. being watched or C. screaming at someone as to the location of the paper towels.
-Leave wine in the bottle.
-Not know what time it is.  Like, all day.
-Ignore all silent yet reproachful looks from the dog.  (I know she's thinking something terrible about me, but I just haven't figured it out yet.)
-Wear a sparkly, "going out" shirt, for no reason whatsoever.
-Not watch Disney channel.
-Not sweep, mop, vaccuum, scrub, pick-up, straighten, etc. (but you're probably going to have to help me with this one, Ronnie).

Whew...this Mother's Day thing is gonna be tough.

Wednesday, May 9, 2012

It is all explained...

So, my proclivity to yeast infections could explain my need to....ahem...trim the jungle more often than I should?

Who knew?

Monistat for Hair Growth

Thursday, May 3, 2012

This is pretty much the only etiquette I know...sorry Mom...

So, you got invited to a crawfish boil, huh? Not sure what to wear, what to bring, how to act? Well, dear readers, I’m here to help you out. Being a transplanted Louisianaian, I have actually had to deal with answering these questions at our annual crawfish boil where most of the invitees happen to be from Texas or even states north of the Mason Dixon. Would you believe I have a friend from Minnesota who came last year and she and her family had so much fun, her kids have been pestering her to come again?! Weird, right? Me….friends with a mid-westerner! They’re just so dang polite! It cracks me up…seriously. Anyway, I digress…so, not sure how the whole thing goes down? Well, here ya go.

Crawfish Boil Etiquette:

1. Bring camp chairs. For the life of me, I cannot figure out what redneck drunkards sat on at backyard get-togethers before the invention of the camp chair. God bless you, Mr. Camp Chair Inventor Guy….they should write you a Bud Light: Real Men of Genius song.

2. Don’t wear white. Like anywhere on your body. You are going to eat bugs…MUDbugs…white is not a good call, trust me.

3. Don’t ask if they’re spicy. They are. Duh.

4. I will not peel crawfish for you unless A. you are under the age of 10, B. you are over the age of 80 or C. a wounded veteran. Sorry…it ain’t happenin’.

5. It’s really best for everyone if we avoid the “crawfish anatomy” lesson while standing at the table peeling and eating crawfish. I choose not to investigate too closely the gunk that comes out of the crawfish, the juice that shoots across the table when I peel a crawfish or the inside of the head I just pulled off the crawfish. We get it; they’re kinda gross….but they taste REALLY good.

6. Along those lines, let’s not look down on those who choose not to suck heads. It doesn’t make me any less of a Louisiana girl and I won’t give in to your peer pressure.

7. Clean up after yourself. Yeah, I know, a whole discussion on how gross they are, and then I’m telling you to be clean. You will be dirty (which is why #2 is important) and you will smell like dead fish. BUT, please make sure your empty cans, corn cobs, crawfish heads, etc. make it to the trash can. Bending over to pick up fly-encrusted crawfish body parts or half-empty hot beer or half-eaten grilled meats at 10:00 am the next morning while nursing a hangover = NOT my idea of a good time.

8. Bring your beer/drinks iced down already. I have a beer fridge…and it *will* be full of my beer. Hell, we can fill up the beer fridge for a Saturday night get-together with the neighbors, so 100+ people? Yeah, sorry man, no room for your beer.

9. Tying in with #8: should you choose to stop and get beer at the store on the way and it is hot, PLEASE do not stick a few in the freezer to get cold while you get your party on. You will forget them. They will freeze. They will explode. Worse than having to pick up crustacean body parts that smell like dead fish in the heat with a hangover? Opening your freezer to find Miller Lite-cicle crusting the interior.

10. I love parties. I love people. I love all people….I really don’t like people who don’t like other people. In short: don’t harsh my buzz, dude. If you have a problem with minorities/gays/cops/southerners/yankees/cowboys/motorcycle owners/hunters/fisherman/public educators/doctors/lawyers/men/women/men who dress like women/etc, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares and we’re all here to drink beer and eat crawfish. Chances are good that one or more of those groups of people are represented at any given party at my house, so be nice. And eat crawfish.

11. HAVE A CRAPLOAD OF FUN! Now is the time to bust out your best fishing stories, your funniest kid stories and your most ridiculous high-school sports stories. We’re all here for a GOOD TIME!