Fifty Shades of WTF?

IF YOU HAVE NOT READ FIFTY SHADES OF GREY AND REALLY REALLY WANT TO WITHOUT KNOWING ANYTHING ABOUT IT? STOP READING. (Also, if you are embarrassed about talking about sex, stop reading...OH, and mom? I know you probably won't stop reading because you're secretly my biggest fan, but you may want to sit this one out.  No hard feelings.)

I generally jump onto whatever “book o’ the month” bandwagon comes along. I read all the Harry Potter books, the Twilight books, Shutter Island, The Help…you get the picture. So of course, when I heard about Fifty Shades of Grey, I just had to read it, too.


I heard all the hype…it’s “mommy porn”, it’s “erotic romance” blah blah blah. Okay, sure…I’m down with that. What the heck? This book was THE topic of conversation at the ball field a few weeks ago. Okay, sure, if these chicks can get into it, so can I. So I got it. From the public library. (Which, incidentally, and a little shocking for my tiny Texas town, hasn’t banned it). And I read it.

O. M. Jesus.

Fifty Shades of WTF?

Seriously?? People are into this?? Ohmigod! These are some seriously whacked “mommy porn” readers!!! I am re-evaluating every mom that I know at this point! Not to mention, every mom that participated in that conversation!

If you haven’t read it yet, SPOILER ALERT! Stop reading now! Really. Stop. This is not a review....this is just a random collection of thoughts I've had about the books since I've read them.  And some of it is really specific.  And you'll get pissed off.  And I don't want to hear it, trust me.

My thoughts on these books (in no semblance of order):

-The writing is terrible. I can’t even deal with it. The grammar, the conversation, the description of genitalia…all of it. BAD.

-Why in the name of all that is holy did no one tell me that the whole thing is about BDSM??? (And for those of you that don’t know, ‘BDSM’ means ‘bondage and S&M’….and if you don’t know what that means…ummmm…go ask your mom). I’m all on board with the steamy sex scenes BUT…just when it’s getting good, he hauls off and SPANKS her?!?! Like, repeatedly. And hard. Ummm, no thank you. Don’t get me wrong….what you do in your bedroom is totally your business. It’s just not really my thing. AND now everyone that I know that has read it? I picture getting spanked. And then I just get grossed out….because I don’t want to think about it. But I can’t NOT think about it. Oh good lord.

-And a second “Dammit, I wish I would’ve known before getting sucked into the poorly-written lives of these seriously crazy characters” item: she’s a VIRGIN. Really? You are really trying to sell me on the fact that a young woman saved herself for 22 years to be tied up and spanked by a ridiculously hot and seriously eff’d up billionaire?? Really?? I would think if you had NEVER had sex in all your 22 years and some dude hauled off and smacked you, you’d be scared shitless. And wondering what all the hype was about. But, maybe that’s just me.

-If I had a nickel for every time Anastasia Steele (the main girl character’s name) says and/or thinks “Holy shit”, I’d have crapload of nickels.

-Sexy books should never refer to female genitalia as “womanhood”. Ever. Nor should your sexual preferences be referred to as “kinky fuckery”. Both of these terms make me laugh. And I’m pretty sure that was not the author’s intention.

-While I commend the writer on promoting the idea of safe sex and planned parenthood, I also lose my focus when, during the hottest parts, Christian Grey (the main guy’s name) has to “pull out a foil packet” and put on a condom. Really?? You are a billionaire with kinky sexual preferences and had a seriously messed up childhood….get a vasectomy.

-The seriously messed up childhood. Talk about a buzz kill. Okay, he’s hot, he’s rich and he likes it rough. Cool. Do we need to delve into the whys and wherefores? No. Just when I’m thinking, “Okay, this is getting good”…we have to have an entire chapter devoted to his ‘scars’, his cracked out mom, her pimp, etc. etc. etc. Terrible. Sad. NOT what I want to read about in what’s being touted as “mommy porn”.

-My husband wants a refund (but since I got them at the library, they were free)…mainly because he was expecting me to be hot and waiting for him after reading them. Annddd…what with the spanking and the ‘kinky fuckery’ and whatnot….that hasn’t really been the case. He’s disappointed.

To be fair: I’m halfway through the second book…I have not read the entire trilogy, so perhaps some of these issues are resolved later on in the story. I mean, maybe Christian gets a vasectomy and Anastasia stops saying ‘holy shit’. For some reason, I think not.

Sidebar: I had NO CLUE these books were supposed to be the author's take on Edward and Bella if they were human and adults.  I totally missed that.  Soooo...yeah....I guess that whole point of view was wasted on me.  And I *read* the frickin' Twilight books....