Thursday, May 3, 2012

This is pretty much the only etiquette I know...sorry Mom...

So, you got invited to a crawfish boil, huh? Not sure what to wear, what to bring, how to act? Well, dear readers, I’m here to help you out. Being a transplanted Louisianaian, I have actually had to deal with answering these questions at our annual crawfish boil where most of the invitees happen to be from Texas or even states north of the Mason Dixon. Would you believe I have a friend from Minnesota who came last year and she and her family had so much fun, her kids have been pestering her to come again?! Weird, right? Me….friends with a mid-westerner! They’re just so dang polite! It cracks me up…seriously. Anyway, I digress…so, not sure how the whole thing goes down? Well, here ya go.

Crawfish Boil Etiquette:

1. Bring camp chairs. For the life of me, I cannot figure out what redneck drunkards sat on at backyard get-togethers before the invention of the camp chair. God bless you, Mr. Camp Chair Inventor Guy….they should write you a Bud Light: Real Men of Genius song.

2. Don’t wear white. Like anywhere on your body. You are going to eat bugs…MUDbugs…white is not a good call, trust me.

3. Don’t ask if they’re spicy. They are. Duh.

4. I will not peel crawfish for you unless A. you are under the age of 10, B. you are over the age of 80 or C. a wounded veteran. Sorry…it ain’t happenin’.

5. It’s really best for everyone if we avoid the “crawfish anatomy” lesson while standing at the table peeling and eating crawfish. I choose not to investigate too closely the gunk that comes out of the crawfish, the juice that shoots across the table when I peel a crawfish or the inside of the head I just pulled off the crawfish. We get it; they’re kinda gross….but they taste REALLY good.

6. Along those lines, let’s not look down on those who choose not to suck heads. It doesn’t make me any less of a Louisiana girl and I won’t give in to your peer pressure.

7. Clean up after yourself. Yeah, I know, a whole discussion on how gross they are, and then I’m telling you to be clean. You will be dirty (which is why #2 is important) and you will smell like dead fish. BUT, please make sure your empty cans, corn cobs, crawfish heads, etc. make it to the trash can. Bending over to pick up fly-encrusted crawfish body parts or half-empty hot beer or half-eaten grilled meats at 10:00 am the next morning while nursing a hangover = NOT my idea of a good time.

8. Bring your beer/drinks iced down already. I have a beer fridge…and it *will* be full of my beer. Hell, we can fill up the beer fridge for a Saturday night get-together with the neighbors, so 100+ people? Yeah, sorry man, no room for your beer.

9. Tying in with #8: should you choose to stop and get beer at the store on the way and it is hot, PLEASE do not stick a few in the freezer to get cold while you get your party on. You will forget them. They will freeze. They will explode. Worse than having to pick up crustacean body parts that smell like dead fish in the heat with a hangover? Opening your freezer to find Miller Lite-cicle crusting the interior.

10. I love parties. I love people. I love all people….I really don’t like people who don’t like other people. In short: don’t harsh my buzz, dude. If you have a problem with minorities/gays/cops/southerners/yankees/cowboys/motorcycle owners/hunters/fisherman/public educators/doctors/lawyers/men/women/men who dress like women/etc, keep it to yourself. Nobody cares and we’re all here to drink beer and eat crawfish. Chances are good that one or more of those groups of people are represented at any given party at my house, so be nice. And eat crawfish.

11. HAVE A CRAPLOAD OF FUN! Now is the time to bust out your best fishing stories, your funniest kid stories and your most ridiculous high-school sports stories. We’re all here for a GOOD TIME! 


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