Tuesday, December 14, 2010

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid

On one of the blogs I read regularly (shaunaglenn.com...which seriously, if you haven't read it yet, what are you waiting for?? Hilarious!) recently featured a contest to see who had gotten the worst Christmas gifts ever.  And because I secretly like shiny things even though I don't typically wear them and one of the possible prizes was this beautiful Michael Kors watch that literally made me drool, I entered.

Which started me thinking about the worst Christmas presents ever.  And how maybe Ralphie didn't get that Red Rider bee bee gun because he *actually* would have shot his eye out.

And that bad Christmas gifts would make a kinda funny blog post.

So here you go....oh, and feel free to leave yours in the comments, but sorry, no Michael Kors watches here....if I could afford one, I'd keep it...just sayin'.

We refer to one Christmas growing up as “The Year of the Pastels”. It was the late 80s, so you really can’t blame my mom, but still. My sister and I got pastel and plaid walking-shorts outfits….that matched! Um, no.  I think this may have been the same year that I got a lavender ten-speed and lavender jam box....both of which were totally cool...sans matching plaid walking shorts.

And then one year, my dad thought it would be awesome to get my mom a brand new lamp! Really?? A lamp? Like for the living room?? I'm pretty sure the rest of Christmas was very quiet around our house...what with mom not speaking to dad and dad sitting and reading quietly by his brand new lamp.  I guess he's lucky it didn't end up in some place other than the living room, if you know what I'm sayin'....

Some of the funniest Christmas presents I ever got were from my grandmother…who did not like us.  I know, I know...how crappy is it to have a grandmother who doesn't like you?? Grandmothers are supposed to give you cookies and make you drink hot chocolate and be full of sunshine and denture cream.  But ours? Not so much.  So when she actually decided to get us presents, it was less "I picked this out just for you sweetheart" and more "I found this in the bottom of my kitchen junk drawer and shoved it in a bag when I heard your car pull up." So we always got cheap, crappy gifts on the holidays she actually decided to give us something.

The two best?

-A red sweatshirt with a carousel horse ironed on it outlined with gold glitter puff paint.  Really? Okay, let's review: Glitter. Puff paint. Carousel horse. Yeah....not so much Grandma.

-One year we each got an evening purse (because when you’re 12, those black-tie galas are every freakin’ weekend!) and, wait for it…..a black and white polka-dotted shower cap.  Um, what?? Newsflash grandma: kids don't wear shower caps....like, ever.  At least the pictures were funny.

Oh and in case you're wondering, no, I did NOT win the Michael Kors watch....but I can't even feel bad about it because the girl who won was given pictures of her boyfriend and his brother's girlfriend, um..."going at it".  And she opened the box in front of the whole flippin' family! Um, dude, you totally won...hands down.  You can read the story here: http://www.shaunaglenn.com/happyhour/shaunas-holiday-gift-guide-slash-wish-list-its-like-oprahs-list-except-its-not-like-it-at-all/

Monday, December 6, 2010

Redneck USA

Text message from my husband to me: Hey, I'm going to the grocery store....do we need anything?
Me: No, I don't think so...why are you going to the grocery store?
Him: I need rubber gloves and a scalpel.
Me: Um....what?
Him: Rubber gloves and a scalpel...to skin my deer.
Me: (Holy shit...well, good thing that was your answer because seriously? I was totally picturing you as a serial killer.) And you think they have them at the grocery store??
Him: Yeah, they have everything there.
Me: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say probably not that.

Couple of hours later:
Him: You were right....no scalpels at the grocery store.
Me: Duh...
Him: But I did get a package of them. From Tractor Supply.
Me: Of cour....wait....a "package"??? Like, how many do you need?? (Serial killer image coming back to mind....)
Him: Idk, but this way I'll have extras.
Me: And why in the hell does Tractor Supply have scalpels??
Him: For cattle castration....duh....
Me: Oh.  You mean not everyone uses their pocket knife like my dad did?? Weird....
Him: Really??? And *I'm* the biggest redneck you know????

You can't make this shit up.