Tuesday, November 24, 2009

Top-Ten Things I am Thankful For

I'm going a little Letterman on y'all and bustin' out the top ten list. Too bad I don't have anybody cool to read it to you.

Here goes:

10. Birth Control--especially the kind I take with a little "happy pill" ingredient to make me less bitchy. It totally works, except when it doesn't and I'm a total bitch...but whatevs.

9. Cars/Trucks--I have this whole weird thing about always wanting to drive so I'll have my own vehicle. If I lived in some Middle Eastern country where women weren't allowed to drive, I'd freak the fuck out. Guess if the shit goes down, I'll always have the getaway car, so I can be sure I'm not arrested or whatever. No, mom, that's never happened, I swear.

8. Cell Phones/Text Messaging--I am now a spoiled tech-age child. I'm used to instant gratification if I need to tell you something or get in touch with you somehow. People who have a cell phone and a) never carry it or b) have it off or on silent/vibrate all the time DRIVE ME INSANE!

7. Lucky Jeans--Every woman should own at least one pair of jeans that makes her ass look phenomenal. And these are my jeans. Seriously....phenom----wait for it----enal.

6. The Country--Because if I lived in the city with neighbors who were like constantly spying on me and judging me for driving a diesel truck that wakes them up in the mornings when I start it or drinking beer on my front porch at 11:00 am or the fact that my husband really likes to pee outside, I'D GO BAT-SHIT CRAZY!!!

5. Dogs--And horses....and really anything that's fuzzy and cuddly. Except for cats, of course....because they're totally from the devil.

4. Books--Mainly because the movie in my head as I'm reading is always WAAAY better than the actual movie translation. I'm a voracious reader....that's where I get the mad vocabulary skillz, yo!

3. Beer--And wine, and vodka, and pretty much most alcohol (except whiskey) because it's just fun. As a wise woman once said, "Some people say they don't need alcohol to have fun, but why start a fire with sticks when they've invented the lighter?". Need I say more? I think not.

2. The Fam--Yes, I do have a cheesy softy side that loves my family and my husband....so I'm not cynical about everything...sue me. But I'm one of the lucky ones who lives fairly close to my family, gets together with them regularly and actually enjoys hanging out with them....most of the time. No, but seriously, they're cool. Other people even like hanging out with my family. And I'm lucky to not have serious marriage drama with my husband....we actually like each other. Weird, huh?

And the number one thing I am thankful for.....DRUM ROLL PLEASE....

1. The Kid--I am worried that I cloned myself, but she's irresistible, says the funniest stuff and I love her tremendously. She is the light in my heart on even my darkest day.

Happy Turkey Day! Drink one for me! ~NTS

Thursday, November 19, 2009

Random Nation

I almost totally named my whole blog this, but I couldn't find as cool of a picture as the Note to Self one that led everyone to believe that I was a total hottie, so I didn't.

Anyway, so this post will be totally random. There will be no introduction paragraph stating three points I will make, nor will there be a body or a conclusion. Wait--guess it's not that different from all the other posts, is it?

I can guarantee there will be lots of these "..." because I totally tend to over-use those. I'm not sure why, either except that they represent the way my writing sounds in my head....like I just paused right back there to think about how I was going to word the rest of the sentence.

Anyway, Randomness in all its glory... (see, I just paused again)

-I should really be doing lots of work right now because my school is out all next week and I won't be in my office AT ALL. And I'm procrastinating completely by writing a blog post rather than a report. The biggest problem of all?? I'm not sure I really care much.

-Last night, I encouraged the husband to read the blog (read: "forced him to read it because OMG I'm just so damn funny, aren't I? And you're so lucky to be married to the witty wonder of nature that is me!"). When he clicked on it, the Google ad on the right at the very top said "Pentecostal Singles--meet local Pentecostal singles in your area." Is this really the type of crowd that just read my Dora rant?? shit....

-Yesterday, the husband brought home an 18 pack of beer so we "would have some left over for the weekend". Amateur.

-Sometimes when the phone rings in the office next door to mine, I pick up my phone just to be sure it's not mine. OCD much?

-I'm absolutely convinced that my dogs talk about what an idiot I am behind my back. Really. They sit in their pens all day and act like they're all stupid, but they're really plotting ways to take over the house and keep the humans in the pens. Dually may not be bright, but he's got brawn. I think Sasha's the planner in their eventual "Braveheart bid for freedom"...she's got those shifty eyes.

-When I get totally convinced that my life sucks soooo bad and things will never get any better, something like this happens. http://aiminglow.com/ And it really makes me think that I just need to shut the hell up, quit whining and be thankful for what I got.

Happy Thanksgiving all! Be thankful and enjoy your loved ones this holiday!

Wednesday, November 18, 2009

If there's a place you need to go, I'm the one you need to know, I'm the map!

Fucking Dora the Explorer.

I mean, even the kid is annoyed by it.

Dora's all: "To get to my house, we need to go through the jungle, over the river and past the castle. Do you see the jungle?"


Then I hear my 5-year-old: "Yes! It's right there!"......"I said, it's right there!"....."Look over there Dora!! UGH! Don't you see it over there??"

And Dora's all: "Right! You found the jungle!"

And my kid's all: "No shit, sherlock."

Except she doesn't really say that, because then I'd have to beat her. No, I don't really beat her, but I would have to give her some sort of consequence for saying "shit" like washing her mouth out with soap.

But she LOVES the Dora...and the Blue's Clues. And I'm so ready for her to outgrow these "interactive TV shows" that are supposed to be so "educational" and just get sucked into the mind-numbing awesomeness that is the Disney channel. I mean, really?? When does that happen?? I'll watch me some Hannah Montana or Suite Life of Zack and Cody all damn day!!!

I mean, I didn't have "preschool on TV" and I turned out okay...I'm well-educated, I have a job...I know when i comes before e and who discovered America and what the quadratic equation solves (okay, not really, but come on--who does??). And all I had was Sesame Street--which I freakin' LOVED!! I was like the old lady who loves Days of our Lives, but with Sesame Street: "MOM! Stop talking so loud, my stories is on!". And I swear, I don't remember it being as annoying as Dora and Blues Clues....in fact, I think it was MORE educational.

You know, like, Bert and Ernie's obviously "less-than-platonic" living arrangement (was it just me, or was one of them always in the tub/shower??). Or the fact that Cookie Monster was always hungry for chocolate chip cookies (reminds me of this dude I knew in college)? Or even Mr. No-it's-not-OCD-I-just-really-like-to-count-stuff Count (my first introduction to mental health issues)??

See...we sooo learned waaay more from Sesame Street.

Happy 40th!

Tuesday, November 17, 2009

Commitment Issues

I have them.


I have a hard time staying committed to things....mostly because, well, being committed to things is a shit-ton of hard work.

Not like my husband or anything--nothing that major. Just the general, every-day type commitments that people make.

Like exercising....meh....what if I don't feel like it?

Or sports teams...."You mean we have to watch football?? But I'm facebooking!"

Or washing my hair...luckily I was blessed with non-greasy hair that can make it 3 days before looking like "homeless chic".

Or even friendships with some people. In fact, I think I'm downright rude to some people at work because I just don't have the time or energy to have another friend....really, I don't. I'm sure they're very nice and we could possibly talk at length about all kids of wonderful topics like puppies, sunshine and rainbows, but....basically, I don't want to work that hard.

I feel like putting up a sign:

Like, "Plenty of friends here, thanks!".

That is so bitchy.

I know....but being a good friend takes WORK, people! And you need to consider the level of commitment a new friend might require. I have conveniently given you some guidelines from which to work:

1. "The Drama Queen": Does this person always have lots of shit going on in her life that she then dumps on whoever gets stuck in the copy room with her, leading to 45 minutes of "Oh man that really sucks! Well hope that works out" repeated over and over as you try to get your foot out of the door, while totally forgetting your copies??? BAD FRIEND MATERIAL.

2. "The Stalker": That girl at work who randomly shows up in the exact same outfit you wore the day before and constantly watches you out of the corner of your eye and has taken to saying things like, "Man, I wish I was as smart as you, your husband is soooo hot and your kids are so cute, you really sound like you have the perfect life"? BAD FRIEND MATERIAL (and the possibility of lots of legal issues and paperwork--more commitment).

3. "The Mooch": The teacher across the hall that always conveniently mentions she is soooo thirsty but never carries cash so has no money for the vending machine, but when you offer her some change, she grabs it faster than you can say "Diet Dr. Pepper"?? BAD FRIEND MATERIAL

4. "The Party Girl": The girl you meet out for drinks after work who gets totally slammed in the span of all of about 30 minutes and then insists on yelling things like, "And you know Mr. Smith the band director is gay, right?" or "See this girl at the table next to us? She keeps staring at me and I'm about to knock her the fuck out!" causing you to have to call your husband to get your kids and get home late for dinner because you had to drive her drunk ass home? BAD FRIEND MATERIAL

You all just totally mentally sorted all of your friends/acquaintances/co-workers into "BAD FRIEND" and "GOOD FRIEND".

My work here is done.

Oh--and before you ask, no, you're not any of those types of friends. Really. I swear. Or we wouldn't be friends, remember? I have commitment issues.

Thursday, November 12, 2009

This is not a food blog, per se, but I'm a big fan of food

Sidebar: How French-coffee-house-beret-wearing-killer-heels-having-but-I-can-totally-walk-in-them-without-tripping COOL do you feel when you use the word "per se"?!?! Holy Lord! I just feel like I should go all "European" when I get to use that word...but I would never be a good European because I like to shower regularly....and shave.....

Sorry if you're European and you DO happen to shower and shave--in which case, I was totally not referring to you.


I LOVE this website!!!


You can go to it and enter whatever you happen to have in your kitchen and it gives you a recipe that you can then print and take home and cook for dinner THAT VERY NIGHT!!!!

I know.....awesome, right??

So here's what I entered:
applesauce, beer, cereal, ham, ketchup, pasta, tortilla chips, milk

(Yes, those are all things that I have in my kitchen RIGHT THIS VERY SECOND)

Oh damn...never mind....I drank all the beer last night.....

Hang on

Okay, so even when I take the beer out, here's what I get:

This is just a kids favourite, you never really see this often, but it is great, trust me on this one

-1 lb spaghetti


1. cook spaghetti as instructed on the packet.
2. when you come to serve, put on as much ketchup as you desire, it has a really unique taste to it.

I know! Isn't that totally AWE....wait.....re-reading......


And did anyone else notice that the directions NEVER told you to put the ketchup on the SPAGHETTI!?!? So you just put it on....what, exactly?? Yourself?? Your husband?? The dog??

"Unique taste"....that's just wrong, man.

Tuesday, November 10, 2009

You know those free gifts you get when you purchase make-up products in department stores? Yeah...I never get those.

I am not a fan of makeup.
There...I said it. And if you know me, this is really no surprise.

If you read my full profile (and really, who of you out there hasn't?), you'll see that I'm not a fan.

And, what's really weird about that is I am a child of the blue-eyeshadow, hot-pink-blush, whore-red-lipstick 80s...with a little early 90s black-eyeliner-and-maroon-lipstick-tackiness thrown in for good measure. STILL...not my scene.

My opinion on the whole thing could get very political and soapbox-ish with regards to the fact that I think it's totally unfair that men don't have to paint their faces to highlight the good and cover up the bad in order for society to find them "attractive" or "beautiful", but women must.

Sidebar: The same could be said for having a beer gut....is being a female beer-drinker really so bad??!?! Come on, I'm not totally unfortunate looking and I happen to have a little "insulation" 'round the middle from my friends "Bud" and "Lite"....is that really such a big deal?!?! Do you see those "This is a gas tank for my love machine" T-shirts for women ever???? Don't think sooo! (Not that I would ever wear one, but it's the principle of the matter)

Mostly though, my opinion has more to do with the fact that makeup just feels icky on my face. Yep, you heard me--ICKY. You have the whole "caked on" feeling from foundation and powder and then all the other crap you have to put on your eyes, which makes them itchy and watery sometimes...not to mention the fact that lipstick feels icky AND tastes weird.

I'm afraid that my mom may have made a believer out of me this weekend.

Damn, I hate it when she's right.

She gave me her whole Bare Minerals kit because she didn't really care for it.



I'm in love!

So if any of you are reps or dealers for Bare Minerals and feel like I totally just gave you free advertising on my read-all-around-the-world (or at least the South) blog....you can send me my free gifts/samples anytime now.

Oh, and you're welcome.

Thursday, November 5, 2009

What I get for being a Halloween candy thief

So I'm all set to enjoy the chocolate-y, minty, marshmallow-y goodness that is a York Peppermint Patty, when I open it up and see this:


Since when is mint/marshmallow goodness ORANGE?!?! Things that are orange should taste like orange...not mint for crying out loud! Things that taste like mint are white (or green)...don't ask me why, I don't make up the rules, people!
And why is one side of my candy MOIST!?!? (You really can't tell in the picture, but the left side is weirdly shiny and....moist....*retch*)
I don't even like the WORD "moist"....*involuntary shiver*....bleh....

Does anyone else feel like it's looking at them?? It's going to suck my brain out and take over human bodies and start making us do stuff like communicate telepathically and build weird radio transmitters that actually communicate with the dead, isn't it?

Note to self: Stop reading weird aliens-take-over-the-human-race books by Stephen King....they are detrimental to my mental well-being--not to mention interfering with my ability to enjoy a good peppermint patty.

Wednesday, November 4, 2009

I'm a redneck mother and my mother's a redneck, too

I know....

It's been a while....and you've been waiting, holding your breath and suspecting that I have moved on from this whole blogging experiment to something else.

Well, I'm finally back to blogging after recovering from Cali, dealing with Halloween plus a sick child all at once, and having a husband working god-awful hours.

You may all stop salivating in some Pavlovian fashion about reading this post. Seriously people, CALM DOWN.


Anyway, so yeah, the trip to California was FANTABULOUS! We had a blast (of course), drank lots of wine (duh) and talked for hours on end (sweet).

Halloween was great....for me. I only had to endure one hour of trick-or-treating due to the feverish 5-year-old and we cancelled our Halloween Party for the same reason, so I didn't have to clean my house. A win-win for me!

Don't get me wrong....I LOVE to entertain. In fact, my husband and I both love to entertain. Really, though, calling it "entertaining" makes it sound like we sit around the drawing room sipping sherry, discussing politics and eating miniature quiches.

Ummm....not so much.

Typically, us having people over involves lots of beer and possibly tequila, a fire outside (if it's cool) and sometimes a game such as spades or dominoes. We occasionally play board games with family, but mostly just because we have kids and they totally annoy us about not letting them play if we don't let them play...and then it's no fun to play anyway because you're annoyed. But yeah, otherwise, pretty much drinking beer and talking.

OH--and some sort of redneck food like queso with breakfast sausage or grilled meat (typically that we killed while hunting).

And we may discuss politics, but usually only after discussing the latest in Mossy Oak* fashion, the newest gun we own, how many dove/duck we shot last season/hunt, how big the deer/elk/hog/turkey was we shot (or our dad shot, or possibly our cousin twice-removed shot...or even the dude in the picture that our mom sent us via email that was supposedly shot in Northern Alaska shot) and the sports our kids play.

Yep, really....that's about it. A typical Saturday night involves us standing around a fire outside, drinking beer and smoking cigarettes and the conversation when we have company over goes alot like this:

Me: So, did I tell you Ronnie bought me a new shotgun for my birthday?
Company: NO! Really?? What is it?
Me: A Remington 870 Wingmaster. It's awesome! I love it! And I shot those 6 dove we're grilling with it this year!
Company: Cool. Did I tell you about Susie's softball team making state?
Me: That's so awesome!
Company: By the way, I love your camo shirt and boots....cute!
Me: Thanks! I got them at Academy*.
Company: Hey, can you hand me another beer?
Me: Yeah, hey--did you get that email from me last week showing that guy who killed the world record elk in South Dakota?? Dude--my mother-in-law's mom's cousin knows that guy!
Company: No way!

Not exactly "drawing room conversation" huh?? But, we never hurt for a crowd at one of our parties!

*Redneck Dictionary: 1. Mossy Oak: a company that makes camo and hunting/outdoorsy stuff...clothes, guns, koozies, car accessories, etc. 2. Academy: aka "redneck mecca"....yes, they sell clothes there and yes, much of my wardrobe is from there.