Thursday, June 16, 2011

4 out of 5 swamp people have been affected.


It's summer.

It's hot as shit outside.

We live in the air conditioning like couch blobs or in the water like floating blobs.

And that's pretty much what's going on around here.

Man....seriously.  Human beings were not meant to live in places with upwards of 100 degree temps.  The Grand Designer should have made us unable to withstand anything higher than, like 80 degrees.  If that was always as cold/hot as it ever got, life would be so much nicer.  Well, at least, less "sweatier" anyway. 

You know, I don't really have a problem with sweating in general, but I feel like I should be doing something to earn my sweat, you know? Like working out, or running, or trying to put on skinny jeans in a non-air-conditioned dressing room.  Those times? Totally "sweat-worthy".  But just sitting?? Sitting on your ass outside? You should not just sweat.  There's just something wrong about it.

I think the main reason I have an issue with it is that (brace yourselves) I sweat like a frickin' MAN.  Seriously.

It rolls down my back, off the tip of my nose and between my boobs.  It's not "glistening" or "perspiring", it's flippin' SWEATING.  Like a whore in church.

But at least I don't have the trouble that my husband does....he tends the sweat in all the same places (minus the boobs), but also in other, more, um...delicate....areas. (And no, before you freak out, I'm not going *there*)

So yeah...sweating...on your butt....(Sidebar: In your butt? No that totally sounds disgusting.  Hmmm...sweating out of your butt?? Holy Lord! Even worse...not sure what the appropriate terminology is here kids....moving on before you just click off this blog and forget you ever even read it...).

Anyhoo: butt sweat.  Referred to by my husband as "swamp ass".  Never heard that? Okay, think about this: you're outside, it's 7:30 am...cooler weather and all that.  You start working.  Next thing you know it's noon and by this point you are sweating pretty good.  So you take a lunch break, cool off, grab some grub whatever.  Back to work....and this is the HOT stretch...1 pm to's 104 degrees hot.  But you make it through, jump in the truck and head home....cooling off with that nice AC.  By the time you get home, you've now sweated and cooled off about 4 times throughout the day.  Your underwear/jeans/shorts are now the bearers of "swamp ass".

Get the picture?

And the ever-so-helpful Wikipedia defines it as as common Marine Corps terminology and says: swamp-ass – unpleasant collection of sweat soaking undergarments.

Well....they made it sound so much simpler.

Think Swamp People get swamp ass??

Tuesday, June 7, 2011

And now for your daytime viewing pleasure...

I’m just not that into daytime TV. And when your job allows you take extended amounts of time off in the summer, you have (for some unknown reason) chosen to settle in a southern state with temps upwards of 187 degrees and you have no pool, there’s not all that much else to do.

I’m not a huge fan. My roommate in college was a die-hard (and I mean, die-hard) General Hospital fan. Like she recorded it on our VCR everyday while she was in class and then before she headed out to study group or whatever (because she was ridiculously smart and majored in biochemical engineering or some such nonsense and was ALWAYS freakin’ studying), she’d watch the day’s episode and eat dinner. I have to say, I kinda got into it after a while. I mean, if your TV is going to be high-jacked while you’re eating, eventually you start paying attention to what’s on it. But after college, you know, my soap opera phase ended….along with my Doc Maarten’s phase, my plaid shirt phase and my maroon lipstick phase. The 90s were over, I had to deal.

I do, however, enjoy a good trashy talk show as much as the next person. I spent many afternoons studying….erm…vegged out on the couch, royally hung over, eating Sonic and watching TV (sorry, Mom). I saw so many transvestite love triangles on Jerry Springer that I started suspecting my neighbor of being a cross-dresser who had a secret relationship going on with his roommate who was actually cheating with the weird, short kid that came over to “study”. Seriously, Jerry Springer can warp anyone’s world view.

Alas, my days of Jerry Springer viewing are over. My daytime TV viewing after the kid was born consisted of Super Why, Between the Lions and Curious George. (Gotta love the educational PBS line-up!) Those days, if it didn’t have a spelling lesson, at least one puppet and some sort of moral, I hadn’t seen it.

Fast forward a few years and few hundred conversations with my husband about why I don’t want satellite and why he does later, and now my daytime TV viewing consists of Disney channel on loop showing the same 30-minute, “I have a problem, I made a bad choice to solve it, oh-no! now I have to apologize to my friend, whew glad everyone learned their lesson here” storyline.  But strangely, the wardrobes are slightly reminiscent of Jerry Springer...anyone else notice that?? Weird.  AND, can someone please explain to me the shorts/boots combination?? I mean, for Alex Russo, I get it...a good place to stash her wand, but Bridget Mendler's character on Good Luck Charlie?? No point. But the absolute worst thing? I can sing all the damn songs that come on...Lemonade Mouth, Selena Gomez, Hannah Montana....

I’m starting to miss the puppets.