Tuesday, May 17, 2011

It's like my second job, but without a paycheck.

Because pretty much all I have to talk about these days is tee ball, shuttling the kid to tee ball, who made tee ball all-stars and why we even *have* tee ball all-stars when we don't "officially" keep score, or how insane work is right now, I'm going to bring up something that has been on my mind for a while and still confuses me.

Namely: why my husband still attempts to initiate sex with me in the morning when he knows that A) I don't like it and B) I am *always* running late to get out of bed, shower, get the kid up and get everyone where they need to be on time.  Well, at least reasonably on time...give or take 15 minutes.  (Sidebar: I swear they've started keeping a "tardy note tab" on my kid at school and I'm sure she's going to have to like, make up hours in kindergarten d-hall where they'll make her sit and think about what a bad parent I am for not being able to get my kid to school on time or make her write pages of multiplication tables like my principal did when I was in elementary school.  Except that may have not happened until I actually learned my multiplication tables....hmmm....  Anyway, I'm pretty sure the school secretary hates me.)

Back to the topic at hand....Ronnie's actually come up with a fairly convincing argument, which is pretty much, besides locking the child out of the house (and really, how obvious is *that*), there's just no other time of day that works.  We all get home from work, school, ball practice in the evening, have dinner, do bath time and watch some TV or read books (okay, mostly TV...don't judge me) and then we all crash.  Well, except for the "I'm never going to sleep again and you can't make me" kid that we created.  But Ronnie and I? Totally out.  Exhausted.  Done.

So it's kinda rare for us to get the opportunity in the evening or at night.

Which leaves the morning. 


You know what I do in the morning? Get up, shower, drink coffee, get ready, get the kid up, get her ready, load the car and go to work.  You know what I don't do in the morning? Talk.

Ever.  Well, at least until I've had one cup of coffee.  And then only if it's something really important like, "I think the house is on fire".  Other than that? Not so much a morning person.

So if we don't get a date night soon? I may have to resort to getting up early to have coffee and brush my teeth before he busts his move. 

Jeez...my mom wasn't kidding when she said marriage took WORK.

Tuesday, May 3, 2011

Redneck GPS

The other day my husband and I were driving to a crawfish boil at a person’s house that we don’t know very well. (Sidebar: Okay, that sounded weird. In our defense, he’s one of those “friend of a friend” type people. We don’t make a habit of gate-crashing all crawfish boils in the surrounding area. Although, now that I think about it, what a fantastic idea! Hmmm...must consider all angles on this one....)

Anyway, so we’re driving to a town that’s about 45 minutes away and having to navigate the streets of suburbia…which for two rednecks is like driving through a bowl of spaghetti. I can find my way somewhere using only county roads that may or may not be paved quicker than I can navigate my way out of Carriage Ridge of the Hills Subdivision (or whatever lame name is given to neighborhoods that generally do not house any carriages, ridges or hills whatsoever).

Enter the oh-so-handy GPS.

Seriously, I. Love. Her.

But Ronnie? Hates her with a passion.

  • In 200 yards, turn right.  Then, bear left.
  • In 150 yards, turn right.  Then, bear left.
  • In 100 yards, turn right.  Then, bear left.
  • In 50 yards, turn right.  Then, bear left.
  • Turn right.  Then, bear left.
And he’s all, “No shit Sherlock.” And I go, "Well if you don't like her, we can change her voice to a dude.  Hey, my mom's is Australian! We could change to her an Australian dude! Or maybe there's a British guy or a an Irish brogue guy....niiiice...".

And then he’s like, “Why can’t she just give you normal directions like a normal person? Like, ‘Hey, you’re going to turn right up here, but stay in the left lane'”.

Thus was born my idea….Redneck GPS. (Think "Larry the Cable Guy" voice.)

"So you’re gone go past where Bubba got his truck stuck and round the curve by Ol’ Man Jones’ place and then you’ll see this big ol’ bull in the pasture. Don’t worry…he’ll be there…he’s always there cuz Ol’ Man Jones don’t let him in with his cows till night time. Turn right."

 "After you turn right, look for one a’ them big bass mailboxes, that’s where SherryLynn lives since she moved out of her momma’s place after her momma ran off with the preacher from the Trustin' Love Fellowship and stolt all her money from workin’ down at the Dixie Mart. Turn left right past that."

"Go about 2 miles as the crow flies and that dirt road you see on your left with the dead catfish heads on it? That’s my brother Jim Bob’s place where them crawfish are boilin’. "

And now I know exactly where I’m at.