Tuesday, April 17, 2012

Lost in Translation

So I have a friend who adopted a 12 year old boy from Colombia last year. I won’t regale you with the details, but let’s just say it was a long journey with a FANTASTIC outcome. Let me also tell you that this friend attended a Christian (Baptist) school until 8th grade, went to Baptist church EVERY Sunday and Wednesday, went to a Baptist university and had never had sex until her wedding night.

Yes, I know. We have had many conversations about how it is we’re friends.

She also doesn’t cuss.

Or drink.

Seriously, how does she even like me?

Who knows?? But I feel like it’s helping me out with God that she’s my friend. When I’m standing up there awaiting judgment and he’s ticking off on his fingers all the ways I screwed up, I’m pretty sure I’ll just drop her name like she’s the Kardashian of heaven and BOOM! I’m in.

She is, however, one of the funniest people I know. Without cussing. Or drinking. How does she do it??

So the other day, she told me this story about how she got a new car…a Volvo. Since she had never had children, she had a cute, sporty little 2-door Audi. When she realized she was not only going to have to cart around a 12 year old, but also all his buddies, soccer gear and stink, she decided it was time for something more practical. So, she gets a Volvo—a family car. The four-door job with plenty of luxury (leather, power, etc), but chock-full of practicality. She is also one of those people who names her cars. On the way home from the dealership, the family (including their son who is still learning English, remember?) was discussing what to name the new car.

Son: “Mom, this car is a girl, right?”

Mom: “Yes, all cars are girls…she needs a girl’s name.”

Son: “And what kind of car is it?”

Mom: “A Volvo.”

Son: “What about ‘Volva’?”

Mom: SNORT….um, no son, we cannot name her the female version of ‘Volvo.’”

Son: “Why not? What’s so funny?”

Mom: “Well son, a ‘vulva’ is part of a woman’s vagina.”

Son: “Ohmigod!!!! MOOOOOOMMMMM!!! Gross!”

Oh, wait….now I see how we’re friends.

*Printed with her permission. And red-pen editing assistance. Yet another reason we are friends…

Wednesday, April 4, 2012

Updated and Short-Changed

Was I inspired by Pinterest? Was it some great new thing on HGTV that got me thinking, "You know, I really need to update my look?"? Or maybe it was Cosmo's list of '20 Swim Suits to Flatter Any Body Type' (except if you're tall, short, thin, fat, blonde, brunette or red-headed)??

No, no and um, haven't you figured out that no one believes your vicious swim suit lies, Cosmo??

No, dear friends, I decided to update my blog design simply because the lime green was entirely too reminescent of the H&R Block online income tax filing site.  Lime green is one of my favorite colors...it's the color of Save the Hoohas, for crying out loud! But no, frickin' H&R Block had to go and ruin it for everyone...including those of us trying to protect our girly wallets from abusive practices like sugaring, waxing and vajazzling.

The government screws everything up.

Moving on....I will not dwell any more on taxes...they're not filed yet and I've got plenty more time to stress out about that crap between now and April 15 (a whole 11 days....I'm good).

Anyway, I was also motivated by a new blog that I recently discovered (and have yet to post on my blogroll....hang on a minute....aaannnd...DONE).  And you totally need to go read it.  Her blog is called "People I Want to Punch in the Throat".  Yeah, you can already see why I like it, right?  So check it out.  She's funny.  And sarcastic.  And witty. And will punch you in the throat.

Oh, and if you don't like the changes round these here parts, then I'll punch you in the throat...wait...probably can't say that because it's probably all copyrighted and shit.  Soooo....let's say, right eye.  Yeah, so okay, here goes....if you don't like it, then I'll punch you in your right eye! Oooo....burn!

She recently published a list of ways to "make it" as a blogger.  Most of which I'm doing, but I just need that one little post to go viral.  Anyway, one of her ideas was to post your blog to pinterest. 



Holy. Effing. A.

I guess I cannot avoid getting sucked into the black hole that is Pinterest. I am, above all, committed to my art.  (Or just really just want more people to give me attention via the internet....)

So, I got on the site and requested an invite.

First of all, it took like 30 mintues to come to my inbox.  (Sidebar: anyone else feel dirty saying 'inbox'?? *snicker*) 30 minutes!?!! Really?!! What's up with THAT, Pinterest?? If I request my password from the H&R Block website, it's like .25 seconds! You gotta work that shit out, man.


THEN....I get an email from them.  Which says THIS:
Thanks for joining the Pinterest waiting list. We'll be sure to send you an invite soon.
In the meantime, you can follow us on Twitter. You can also explore a few pins.
We're excited to get you pinning soon!
- Ben and the Pinterest Team

Well, "Ben and the Pinterest Team", let me tell you one damn thing: You can take your waiting list and shove it! What the hell is that about??? I got wait-listed for frickin' Pinterest??? You get wait-listed for college, for the best table at a fancy restaurant or for the summer camp your kid is dying to get into.  You do NOT get wait listed for bullshit time-filler websites full of crap that I will never have A. the time, B. the money, nor C. the motivation to do!

Oh, it is ON Ben and the Pinterest Team.  O-N. ON. 

I will punch you in your right eye.