Friday, May 11, 2012

MOM: Methods O' Madness

Mother’s Day Weekend is this weekend. And although I am FIRMLY of the belief that I’m not a “Mommy Blogger” (and if I am, I’m sure all of you think my kid is royally screwed up at this point), I am a Mom. And I do have a blog. So…yeaaahh…I guess that could add up.

I refuse to admit it.

Anyway: Mother’s Day Weekend. Awesome. Hand-made school craft from the kid, grilled steak from the man…good times.

And absolutely, positively, with no exceptions (okay, maybe diamond-type exceptions) NO Mother’s-Day-themed crap like the “Charmed Memories” bracelet from Kay Jewelers or the “Fields of Europe” bouquet from 1800flowers for this Mom.  This Mom would much prefer sunshine, river time and Miller Lite, I promise.  The whole kitschy "Oh mom, you're so wonderful I bought you this pre-designed, over one million made like it in the world, all-the-thinking-done-for-me *fill in the blank*!", is just not my thing.

Don't get me wrong, I like Mother’s Day. I really do.  It's just all the pressure to "make sure Mom has the best day ever!" or "Make this Mother's Day the most memorable."  Really? Just make it an enjoyable day....where maybe I don't have to play "mom" as much as I normally do.  Tell me thanks for all the crap I do, do some of that crap for me and just generally give me a little extra attention.  Honestly, my husband is pretty good at it…it really is all about me, what I want to eat, what I want to do, etc.

The problem is: I find it really hard to ‘turn off’. Meaning, if there is crap on the floor, I’m picking it up. If there are dirty clothes in the bathroom hamper, I’m sorting them. If the kid wants a sandwich, I will fix it. And all the while, he’s all, “Honey, it’s Mother’s Day…you don’t have to do that!” or “Will you stop cleaning and just relax??”. Yeah, I’d love to. But I can’t. (I know...Type A much?) Please don't get me wrong...I don't enjoy cleaning, I'm not Suzy Homemaker and I'd much rather the kid learn to make her owning frickin' sandwich (for the love of all that is holy...two pieces of bread, some mayo and some turkey! What is so hard?!!?). BUT, it's what I do. 

So basically, you're telling me, "Hey, it's your day and we want you to do none of the stuff you normally do in a day, so fill your day with things that you NEVER do."

NEVER do? Well, I guess "never-since-having-kids-NEVER".  Hmmm...okay, here goes...this Mother's Day, I will:
-Sit and read and refuse to answer "Mom! Mom! Momma! Mooooommmmmm! MOOOOOMMMMM!" all day long.
-Drink coffee until my bladder can hold no more rather than scarfing down one cup to make my eyelids open.
-Pee without A. having a conversation through the door, B. being watched or C. screaming at someone as to the location of the paper towels.
-Leave wine in the bottle.
-Not know what time it is.  Like, all day.
-Ignore all silent yet reproachful looks from the dog.  (I know she's thinking something terrible about me, but I just haven't figured it out yet.)
-Wear a sparkly, "going out" shirt, for no reason whatsoever.
-Not watch Disney channel.
-Not sweep, mop, vaccuum, scrub, pick-up, straighten, etc. (but you're probably going to have to help me with this one, Ronnie).

Whew...this Mother's Day thing is gonna be tough.

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