Monday, January 31, 2011

Great news! Apparently, I'm rich...and have relatives in the UK. Who knew??

In my email this morning:


My name is Brown Heyman, formerly working with S N S Bank Netherlands Branch, presently I am working with Capital One Bank Europe Plc here in United Kingdom. I have a proposal to discuss with you about a certain bonded account in our Bank. The bonded Account has a balance of 17.3Million dollars.
It will be beneficial to all parties concerned I am contacting you on this due to you share the same Family name with the Bonded Account.
Thanks and hoping to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,
Brown Heyman

Dear Mr. Heyman (by the way, is that "hey-man" as in "Hey! What's up, man?" or "hy-men" as in "Horseback riding can prematurely break your hymen"? If it's the first one, cool...but if it's the second one, can I just say that "Brown Hymen" sounds pretty frickin' gross? Sorry.)

Okay, so Dear Mr. Heyman,

Hey! How are you?  Hmmm....too "familiar sounding"...I mean, I don't even know this guy. Okay how about this?

Thank you for contacting me regarding my millions of dollars. I will be eagerly awaiting your check.  However, since you didn't even use my name in your email (by the way, "Attention:" at the start of a letter kinda sounds rude....just sayin'), I'm going to assume you'll need that information.  Oh wait, well since my name matches the last name on your "Account", then you can just make it out to "Ms. Whatever-name-is-on-your-Bonded-Account", mmmkay? Perfect.  Oh, and what is with the overuse of capital letters?? Is that like a British thing? Or a Netherlands thing?

Oh, and as for that....I don't really care where your former place of employment was.  I mean, thanks for sharing and all, but it's not like I had a lot of dealings with you when you were at the bank in the Netherlands, so I haven't been like, searching for where you are now employed or anything.  As to the move from the Netherlands to the UK, congrats! Surely it's a little warmer where you are now? I hope you're all settled in and unpacked and all...I think I still have boxes packed from when we moved into our house six years ago! But, I'll bet since you're a banker and all you're probably like, way more anal than I am, so I'm sure you're all settled in.

So you work for Capitol One now? Awesome! Can you do me a huge favor and have them stop making those stupid Viking commercials? I mean, really? Those commercials do not make me want to bank at Capitol fact, they make me think that everyone who works at Capitol One is a moron.  Except for you, of course.  Anyhoo...thanks for taking care of that for me.

Well, thanks so much for getting in touch with me...I'm sure my relative in the UK who invested much more wisely than I did will be thrilled that an American cousin with whom he/she never actually had any contact with ended up with his/her children's inheritance.  You must be so proud of your work! I'll be expecting my check in the next week or so.

Yours Most Ever Sincerely and Truly,
A Hotmail User in the US

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