Tuesday, April 6, 2010

Tigers love pepper, they hate cinnamon

Yes, for those of you dying to know—I did remember to stop and get a new watch battery yesterday. Let the hallelujah chorus sing!

So now I'm all good and OCD and constantly checking my watch to know what time it is and all is right with the world.

Moving on.

So….Easter was last weekend. AND, I'll have you know we did not have greenery on the mantel. I was totally expecting it to still be there, but Ronnie found some motivation at some point since Christmas and took it down. At least, I think he did…I don't remember taking it down. You know, come to think of it, the boxers have been looking a little chunky lately…

Whatever…if that's the worst thing they eat, I'll consider myself a good pet owner. One of them, Sandy, the baby and my favorite (even though you aren't supposed to have favorites among your children/pets), ate an entire red plastic bowl. Not "chewed"…."ate", as in "swallowed and digested". Yeah…..she pooped red for like 2 months.

Great….now PETA is going to interrupt my blog post and hold up signs saying "Don't breed or buy while innocent strays die" or "All purebloods go to hell" or "Only sinners and fat people let their dogs eat plastic bowls" or some such nonsense.

Now I am TOTALLY and COMPLETELY off topic.

What the hell was I even going to write about?

Oh yeah…Easter. It was cool. Lots of egg dye, chocolate, ham and Jesus. Good times. Made even better by the fact that my sister is entirely too amused by me.

Seriously…it's ridiculous. And she gets even more so given a couple of drinks. Then I just get funnier and funnier. A couple of times, I actually thought the wine was going to come out of her nose. And you know, when people laugh at me, that just makes me keep right on going….even if I should have stopped a looonnnnggg time ago.

The main reason I like hanging out with my sister is that she laughs at my jokes.

I'm so not kidding. I feel like a comedian when she's around…like I gotta try out all my new material to make sure the timing's right before I can take my show on the road. Inevitably, she laughs her ass off. She also finds it highly amusing when I throw in movie quotes at appropriate times…which, honestly, most people just find annoying and stupid because they don't know what movie I'm quoting so they don't get it.

We were carting the other day at the ranch over Easter weekend, and I thought she was going to spew beer when I quoted The Hangover. (Sidebar: "carting" is a ranch term for riding around in the camo golf cart with multiple gun racks and a minimum of 37 guns while drinking beer and being shuttled to or from a hunting spot. Or, it could just mean randomly riding around on the cart, with guns and beer for no reason whatsoever.). By the way, if you haven't see The Hangover, stop reading right now and go buy it. Don't rent it; buy it….because it is so damn funny, you'll want to own it. If you don't want to see The Hangover, we're breaking up because you're obviously mentally ill not into the same types of movies as I am. So she and I and the men were out carting after a pointless couple of hours of turkey hunting and Ronnie asks me if I'm speaking Chinese yet (meaning, he's asking me if I'm getting a buzz…which I was not…I mean, come on, I'm not in middle school anymore dude!). My immediate response was "You can suck on these Chinese nuts mothaaa fuckaaaa!!!"

And that's when she almost spewed beer everywhere and I decided she's the best sister on the face of the planet.

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