They really *do* smell funny

Headline today on msn.com: "Oldest Person in the US Dies".

She was 114.

Holy shit dude....that's flippin' old.

And they had a picture of her, of course.  And....it creeped me out.

As much as I cannot wait to get old, old people scare the shit out of me.

I'm not kidding...they always have.  There was a point at which I told my mom that I couldn't go to the choir concert we were giving at the nursing home because the old people were scary.  And they smelled funny.  She told me I was being mean and to go say some Hail Marys for the old people because they're people, too.

I remember going to the nursing home anyway (my mom made me) and while we were singing, this old man just started screaming bloody murder for absolutely no reason.  I immediately looked at my mom all wide-eyed and was like "See?!?! Tell me that is not creepy as hell!".  But she just gave me "the look" and motioned for me to keep singing.  Whatever mom....you totally didn't get it.

This fear of old people was not confined to random screaming nursing home dudes, either.  I had a great-aunt who we used to visit every few weeks or so who eventually had to be put into an "assisted living" apartment...which is pretty much code for "nursing home with private rooms and kitchenettes".  Anyway, so we used to go see Aunt Dovie every once in a while, and she was pretty cool, I guess....slightly less creepy than the "screaming for no reason" guy at the nursing home when I was a kid. Sidebar: old people have the coolest names...have you ever met someone named "Dovie"?? They just don't name people like they used to.  And the best thing about Aunt Dovie's house was that she always had Lorna Doone cookies and she let me eat as many as I wanted. 

But Aunt Dovie is not the reason for my fear of old people...she was alright, you know? BUT...she took care of my great-grandmother....now she? Was scary as hell.  No lie.  She always sat in this back room of the house (that had to be like 180 degrees inside) in her rocking chair with her quilt over her lap.  She didn't really talk much, but when she did, she talked loudly.  AND she dipped....actually, I think she "chewed"...like, tobacco....she spit it in this huge coffee can in the corner of the room.  And seriously? That lady could take out a flying mongoose at 400 yards with a wad of tobacco spit.  My mom used to always make me and my sister stand behind her rocking chair and take pictures....I fully admit that I had to hold my breath because of the combination old people and "chaw" smell.

And, of course, I passed along the fear of old people gene to the kid.  Sorry hon, nursing home field trips are just going to suck....but I had to go, so you have to go.  If some old man starts screaming for no reason, just keep singing.