Thursday, December 17, 2009

When I'm an Old Lady, I Shall Wear a Black Leather Motorcycle Jacket and Combat Boots

So last night I ventured out from my normal evening routine of alcohol, facebook, mindless TV and pajamas and went to bunco. If you don't know, "bunco" is a game involving dice. For some reason, it's only played by women...I don't know why, exactly, but guys just don't play it. Except maybe gay guys....but I've never heard of a gay guy's bunco group, so I was probably just being totally stereotypical. we were chatting and playing bunco and all was right with the world because our children and husbands were far, far away....and somehow we got on the subject of getting old.

I guess because we all are.

Which is kinda bullshit, but must happen, because the alternative is being, you know, dead.

So I made the point that I cannot wait to get old...seriously. I can't. And all the women there were like, "Oh no! I never want to get old! I'll just stay in my 30s forever! blah, blah, blah (they totally could have said something else, but I kinda quit listening).

The point is: I can't wait to be retired and old.

No, I'm not looking forward to wrinkles and aches and pains and all that crap...I'm looking forward to elastic waistbands, bingo, bars in the middle of the day and the kids moving out of the house! Not to mention, you're RETIRED! You don't have to work every day...we could totally make happy hour by 2:00, Luby's for dinner at 5:00 and home, passed out in bed by 7:30....PERFECTION! Or sometimes, we could change it up a bit and have lunch and drinks before bingo at 2:00, Luby's at 5:00 and in bed by 7:30. Either way--win/win in my book. Plus, (and this is really the best part) when you're old, you get to say whatever the hell is on your mind and people just let it go! Really! You can just lay it out there....and because your family was taught to respect their elders, even if they're a little crazy, they'll totally just let it ride.

Like when we're at Christmas dinner and the son brings his wife over, I'll be all (whispering, but really loud, like old people do sometimes so you can totally still hear what they're saying, but they don't think you can) "Ronnie, did you see what your son's wife is wearing at Christmas dinner?? She looks like Santa's little hooker! Who the fuck told her that was appropriate or attractive?!?"

And no one will say anything...

They'll all just keep on eating and pretend like crazy old mama didn't just say "hooker" or "fuck" at the dinner table. And all the little kids will be like, "Grandma, what's a hooker?" and I'll say, "A woman who has sex with strangers for money and basically lacks self-esteem, so makes up for it by giving really good head. But you don't want to be one, so work hard, save your money and go to college" and the kids will be all "Yes Grandma...can we go google hooker on your computer?" and I'll say "Sure kids, that's how we learned stuff in my day! Googling! But if you see a picture of your aunt, call me, because I'll want to check that shit out!"


I can't wait....

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