Friday, March 5, 2010

I'm going to start selling my assertiveness program on infomercials

Lately, I've had a rash of "Ohmigod! I love your blog! I read every post and laugh my ass off!".  Which is totally awesome....but for some reason always followed by "You say everything that I am thinking, but not brave enough to actually speak out loud!".

Uh oh.

Here we go again.

This is a recurring theme in my life.  Really.  When I was growing up, my mom used to always tell me "Girl, your mouth is going to overload you some day!" or "Ohmigoodness! Your mouth!".  And I don't think she was remarking on the color of my lipstick, my giant fever blister or how straight my teeth were.  I think she was more concerned about what actually *came out of* my mouth.

Like one time, in highschool, I decided that I could no longer call my speech coach Mrs. So-and-So....I started calling her Debbie (which was her first name and not just some random name that I decided she should be called....but if I had to pick a different name for her, I always thought she kinda looked like a "Naomi").  Yes, it annoyed her.  But that just made it more fun.

And I am generally not scared to tell anyone what I really think about them.  Yes, of course, I *try* to be nice, but really? Is there a "nice" way to tell someone he's being a total douche and needs to get over himself?? Or that her favorite pair of khakis gives her a monster camel toe and everyone is totally distracted by it while she's trying to give a presentation??

Probably not.

I don't know...I guess I've always had like, some sort of philosophical issue with holding it all in.  It eats at you.  I'm convinced that's what causes stomach ulcers...and genital warts.  (Not really, I mean, I think doctors have pretty much figured out what causes genital warts and I'm pretty sure it's not not telling people how you really feel....but just to be on the safe side, I'm totally going to keep doing it).  Anyway, yeah so you just need to tell someone the fuck off every now and then and BAM! Stomach ulcers cured! I know, I's not always so "acceptable" in society to tell people off and you may get called names like "bitch" or "ball-buster"...meh....sticks and stones.  At least I don't have a stomach ulcer, asshole!

If you think you're too passive to tell someone off, I suggest starting with road rage.  That way, you're in your car and nobody's feelings can get hurt or whatever.  Seriously...try it.  Next time somebody cuts you off or slams on their brakes in front of you, just let 'er rip!

It's cleansing....and could keep you from getting genital warts (not really, but it can't hurt, right?).

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