Great news! Apparently, I'm rich...and have relatives in the UK. Who knew??

In my email this morning:

Attention;

My name is Brown Heyman, formerly working with S N S Bank Netherlands Branch, presently I am working with Capital One Bank Europe Plc here in United Kingdom. I have a proposal to discuss with you about a certain bonded account in our Bank. The bonded Account has a balance of 17.3Million dollars.
It will be beneficial to all parties concerned I am contacting you on this due to you share the same Family name with the Bonded Account.
Thanks and hoping to hear from you soon.

Yours truly,
Brown Heyman

Dear Mr. Heyman (by the way, is that "hey-man" as in "Hey! What's up, man?" or "hy-men" as in "Horseback riding can prematurely break your hymen"? If it's the first one, cool...but if it's the second one, can I just say that "Brown Hymen" sounds pretty frickin' gross? Sorry.)

Okay, so Dear Mr. Heyman,

Hey! How are you?  Hmmm....too "familiar sounding"...I mean, I don't even know this guy. Okay how about this?

Thank you for contacting me regarding my millions of dollars. I will be eagerly awaiting your check.  However, since you didn't even use my name in your email (by the way, "Attention:" at the start of a letter kinda sounds rude....just sayin'), I'm going to assume you'll need that information.  Oh wait, well since my name matches the last name on your "Account", then you can just make it out to "Ms. Whatever-name-is-on-your-Bonded-Account", mmmkay? Perfect.  Oh, and what is with the overuse of capital letters?? Is that like a British thing? Or a Netherlands thing?

Oh, and as for that....I don't really care where your former place of employment was.  I mean, thanks for sharing and all, but it's not like I had a lot of dealings with you when you were at the bank in the Netherlands, so I haven't been like, searching for where you are now employed or anything.  As to the move from the Netherlands to the UK, congrats! Surely it's a little warmer where you are now? I hope you're all settled in and unpacked and all...I think I still have boxes packed from when we moved into our house six years ago! But, I'll bet since you're a banker and all you're probably like, way more anal than I am, so I'm sure you're all settled in.

So you work for Capitol One now? Awesome! Can you do me a huge favor and have them stop making those stupid Viking commercials? I mean, really? Those commercials do not make me want to bank at Capitol One...in fact, they make me think that everyone who works at Capitol One is a moron.  Except for you, of course.  Anyhoo...thanks for taking care of that for me.

Well, thanks so much for getting in touch with me...I'm sure my relative in the UK who invested much more wisely than I did will be thrilled that an American cousin with whom he/she never actually had any contact with ended up with his/her children's inheritance.  You must be so proud of your work! I'll be expecting my check in the next week or so.

Yours Most Ever Sincerely and Truly,
A Hotmail User in the US

Conversations with things that will never answer me back. And yes, I know that sounds slightly deranged.

Yes, I'll admit it.  Sometimes, I have conversations with things that I know cannot answer me back.  I realize this makes me weird and may actually make me look like the homeless bag lady muttering to herself or her grocery cart, BUT....I do it anyway.  I talk to my dogs, to my car, to my computer...even to my cell phone....and not while someone's on the other end of it, like, to the actual phone itself.

Cell Phone: reoiujsdfnlkae
Me: Really?!? And you call yourself a "smart phone"?? I typed "meet me at happy hour" and that's what you came up with?? You and your stupid fancy touch-screen keypad....

Car: VROOOOOOMMMMM
Me: Whoa! Slow down girl! What are you trying to do, get me a ticket?? Jeez....
Car: vrooooommmm
Me: Much better.

Computer: Error Message 2145: You suck as a computer user.
Me: Oh yeah?!? Well you know who's NOT getting a Windows upgrade for Christmas, huh?? Yeah, YOU stupid "think you're smarter than me" computer.  Screw you!
Computer: Error Message: 2146: You really are stupid.

Electronics can be such assholes.

The best never going to answer me back things that I talk to though are the dogs.

I'm a huge animal lover (except for cats....and birds...and lizards...oh, and those weird hairless dogs from Mexico. At least I think they're from Mexico....I'm almost certain they're "Mexican Hairless" dogs. Hmmm...maybe. I could have totally made that up. Anyway...bottom line: don't like them.).

Okay, so let me rephrase, I'm a lover of big furry animals that aren't cats. There.

I have three big dogs and two horses (that are actually my kid's horses, but you know, we have them so they're kind of mine, too...except the girl is like, tiny and I couldn't actually get on her without her falling to the ground and screaming "The sky is falling! The sky is falling! The weight of it is on my back! For the love of horses everywhere, somebody save me!!!". But other than that, she's totally almost mine.  And the boy is older than dirt and as fluffy as a mammoth....so you just kinda feel sorry for him and don't want to ride him.  So in summary: we have two fairly pointless horses who eat alot.)

BUT! We love our animals! The dogs come in the house, they sleep in the kid's bed...they're all totally rotten. And all of my animals have voices. Like, when they talk to me. Okay, so they don't really talk to me, but I think I know what they're saying so they talk through me. I was watching one of those dog trainer shows at a friend's house the other day and the girl who owned three Great Danes (OMG! THREE!!) told the dog trainer lady she had voices for her dogs and the dog trainer lady was all "Um...okay, that's weird."

But I totally do, too!

Dually (he sounds like Lenny from Of Mice and Men): Can we play ball now, mom? Please? I been a very good boy today. I promise I won't petted it too hard again.

Sasha (she sounds like Wanda Sykes): I don't know 'bout you, but I think that white boy's too crazy with that ball. Why's he gettin' slobber all up in here?

Sandy (she sounds like a Mean Girl but like, *really* mean): Like oh my god...seriously. He has got to totally chill with that ball thing. Or I am going to totally kick his ass.
It's just ridiculous....but highly entertaining....especially when you mix "dog-talking" and alcohol.  Good times.

You'll Shoot Your Eye Out, Kid

On one of the blogs I read regularly (shaunaglenn.com...which seriously, if you haven't read it yet, what are you waiting for?? Hilarious!) recently featured a contest to see who had gotten the worst Christmas gifts ever.  And because I secretly like shiny things even though I don't typically wear them and one of the possible prizes was this beautiful Michael Kors watch that literally made me drool, I entered.

Which started me thinking about the worst Christmas presents ever.  And how maybe Ralphie didn't get that Red Rider bee bee gun because he *actually* would have shot his eye out.

And that bad Christmas gifts would make a kinda funny blog post.

So here you go....oh, and feel free to leave yours in the comments, but sorry, no Michael Kors watches here....if I could afford one, I'd keep it...just sayin'.

We refer to one Christmas growing up as “The Year of the Pastels”. It was the late 80s, so you really can’t blame my mom, but still. My sister and I got pastel and plaid walking-shorts outfits….that matched! Um, no.  I think this may have been the same year that I got a lavender ten-speed and lavender jam box....both of which were totally cool...sans matching plaid walking shorts.

And then one year, my dad thought it would be awesome to get my mom a brand new lamp! Really?? A lamp? Like for the living room?? I'm pretty sure the rest of Christmas was very quiet around our house...what with mom not speaking to dad and dad sitting and reading quietly by his brand new lamp.  I guess he's lucky it didn't end up in some place other than the living room, if you know what I'm sayin'....

Some of the funniest Christmas presents I ever got were from my grandmother…who did not like us.  I know, I know...how crappy is it to have a grandmother who doesn't like you?? Grandmothers are supposed to give you cookies and make you drink hot chocolate and be full of sunshine and denture cream.  But ours? Not so much.  So when she actually decided to get us presents, it was less "I picked this out just for you sweetheart" and more "I found this in the bottom of my kitchen junk drawer and shoved it in a bag when I heard your car pull up." So we always got cheap, crappy gifts on the holidays she actually decided to give us something.

The two best?

-A red sweatshirt with a carousel horse ironed on it outlined with gold glitter puff paint.  Really? Okay, let's review: Glitter. Puff paint. Carousel horse. Yeah....not so much Grandma.

-One year we each got an evening purse (because when you’re 12, those black-tie galas are every freakin’ weekend!) and, wait for it…..a black and white polka-dotted shower cap.  Um, what?? Newsflash grandma: kids don't wear shower caps....like, ever.  At least the pictures were funny.

Oh and in case you're wondering, no, I did NOT win the Michael Kors watch....but I can't even feel bad about it because the girl who won was given pictures of her boyfriend and his brother's girlfriend, um..."going at it".  And she opened the box in front of the whole flippin' family! Um, dude, you totally won...hands down.  You can read the story here: http://www.shaunaglenn.com/happyhour/shaunas-holiday-gift-guide-slash-wish-list-its-like-oprahs-list-except-its-not-like-it-at-all/

Redneck USA

Text message from my husband to me: Hey, I'm going to the grocery store....do we need anything?
Me: No, I don't think so...why are you going to the grocery store?
Him: I need rubber gloves and a scalpel.
Me: Um....what?
Him: Rubber gloves and a scalpel...to skin my deer.
Me: (Holy shit...well, good thing that was your answer because seriously? I was totally picturing you as a serial killer.) And you think they have them at the grocery store??
Him: Yeah, they have everything there.
Me: I'm going to go out on a limb here and say probably not that.

Couple of hours later:
Him: You were right....no scalpels at the grocery store.
Me: Duh...
Him: But I did get a package of them. From Tractor Supply.
Me: Of cour....wait....a "package"??? Like, how many do you need?? (Serial killer image coming back to mind....)
Him: Idk, but this way I'll have extras.
Me: And why in the hell does Tractor Supply have scalpels??
Him: For cattle castration....duh....
Me: Oh.  You mean not everyone uses their pocket knife like my dad did?? Weird....
Him: Really??? And *I'm* the biggest redneck you know????

You can't make this shit up.

Yes, Virginia, there really is an afterlife....you just don't really want to think about it.

No, I'm not dead.  I'm just completely overwhelmed with work, the impending holidays, the recently passed turkey day and all the day-to-day crapola that it takes to keep a household running, a husband at least somewhat happy and a kid halfway between "homeless child wipedown" and "clean".

However,  if I really was dead, then I'd be typing this from the beyond...weird, huh? So this would be a message from the afterlife, more specifically, *my* afterlife....which I'm pretty sure will be....er...South.  Do you think computers can withstand flames? I mean, I guess being raised Catholic and attending 13 years of parochial school left me with a fairly healthy respect for the idea of hell.

It also left me with a pretty good idea that I'm probably going to end up there at some point.

I mean, I'm pretty sure you don't live out my 20s and still get to push the "Up" button....just sayin'.

So here's what I picture: I'll die, wake up in a hotel hallway facing an elevator bank and all the buttons will only point down.  Left with no clear choice, I'll push the down button, the elevator doors will open and voila! The elevator will be filled with Madalyn Murray-O'Hair, Ozzie Osbourne, Osama Bin Laden, Hitler, 50 million cats and like 20 people I know. (No, not you....I would never say you're going to hell.  Oh, yes, definitely you.  And you.  And most likely you.) And I think, despite the threat of eternity in hell, there will be a bit of a festive atmosphere.  At least, I hope.

Not really...I'm just being twisted and perhaps funny? Probably not. But I plead temporary insanity brought on by exhaustion.

However, I do now and will always maintain that cats are from the devil.  So they are probably the truest part of this scenario.

This is so NOT what I intended to write about when I sat down at my computer...I mean, who says to themselves, "I think I'll write about going to hell today".  Jeez....I'm such a weirdo.

Friendship Guidelines (not so much "rules"…just "guidelines"….sort of like being a pirate with Johnny Depp)

#1: If you're in the midst of a crisis, PLEASE call! I'll talk to you, I'll agree with your gripes, I'll cry with you if need be! DON'T go through a crisis and get all pissed off at me for not using my Jedi mind powers to know that you were going through something and needed a friend. And facebooking your crises and expecting everyone to comment on your "poor, pitiful me" status updates is LAME. You don't need a friend in that case, you just need attention.

#2: Don't tell me what a total freakin' loser/jerk/dick/douche/bitch your husband/fiancée/boyfriend/girlfriend/life partner/significant other is and then expect me to be nice to him/her/it the next time I see y'all together.

#3: I generally don't feel the need to talk to my friends every single day. I know you are my friend and you know I am your friend. We should feel secure in our "friendness" with one another. I may, however, text you in the middle of the night after a few bottles…er...glasses of wine letting you know that I think __________ (insert random person/picture/email/facebook post) is the funniest damn thing I have EVER SEEN! This serves as validation of our friendship…it means I like you, not that I want to annoy you….even if annoying you accidentally happened in the process.

#4: Along those same lines, I enjoy being alone. My saying "no" to hanging out with you has way less to do with you and your issues and way more to do with me needing downtime. It just gets tiring being this freakin' awesome all the time…I mean, the awesomeness has to get some rest! So, don't take it personally. (Yes, I'm totally kidding about the being freakin' awesome part…but not so much about the being alone part).

#5: I don't like cats or little fluffy dogs (please refer to this and this for specific details). I still have somehow managed to like you even though you like cats or little fluffy dogs….don't fuck it up by allowing said cat or little fluffy dog to climb on me, sit near me, lick me or hunch my leg.

#6: You are welcome at my house any time of the day or night. No problem! We can hang out! Bring beer! Do not expect my house to be clean. I will feed you, but I will not clean for you. You probably won't even notice since we'll most likely be hanging out outside. If you do not like to hang out outside and would prefer to hang out in a nice, clean house, how are we friends?

#7: I like to eat….and have drinks. I do NOT like to: work out, exercise, go running, go walking, try the new Latin dance class you're going to that's really a workout hiding behind funky music and hip gyrations. Happy hour? Call me. Work out? Phone a(nother) friend.

#8: While I am a sarcastic and cynical person, I do have my insecurities. When I call you feeling insecure and whiny and you are concerned about me and think we should get together and talk so you can "cheer me up", happy hour is a perfectly reasonable suggestion. For the love of all that is holy, SUGGEST IT!

#9: Yes, I do have friends that don't drink. I don't *always* have to drink alcohol to have fun. I like non-alcoholic outings such as going to festivals, going shopping, riding horses, etc. These things are not generally good mixes with alcohol. BUT. If you have invited me to: play golf, go bowling, fish, hunt, go to the lake/river, go to one of those indoor kid's game/pizza places, go out to dinner or come over to play cards, cook out and sit by the fire? I will come with an ice chest or order wine. Don't judge.

#10: I really don't have another one, but I can't stand lists with odd numbers of items on them. OCD much? Why yes, don't mind if I do.

Oh Canada!

My husband sold his truck! Good news because: 1) no more truck payment and 2) new (to me) car for ME!!!

Woohoo!

The weird thing about it was, he sold it to some guy in Canada. CANADA! Holy crap dude! That's a long damn way to travel to buy a truck! I mean, they do sell trucks in Canada, right?? But apparently, they're like, super expensive and it's hard to find a good used one because of all the salt they use on the road for the ice and snow and blah, blah, blah. (Can you tell when I quit listening?)

Anyway, the whole experience has been rather….odd. Because there's a lot of back and forth and mailing deposit checks and working with international banks and yadda yadda yadda. So it's kind of been a cluster fuck and it's still not over! I think we're seriously going on like a month of bank/funds/international dealings.  (Don't we sound so worldly??)

So Ronnie's telling me all about this and how our bank is talking to their bank and on and on…and then he's all, "And I just couldn't get a clear answer, so I decided to call the Bank of Montreal and talk to the guy who signed off on the cashier's check and figure out what the hold up was." And I'm all, "Yeah, I can see....Wait. You called who?" And he says, "The Bank of Montreal". And I'm like, "YOU CALLED CANADA?!?! ON YOUR CELL PHONE?!!?" And he's all,"……yeeeaah……why? Was that bad?"

REALLY!?!?!

"Um, Canada's like a whole other country dude! That probably cost like $5.00 a minute! WTF!?!? How long were you on the phone?!?"

"About five minutes…besides, Canada's like the US…I mean, it's just right up there north of us."

Okay, yes, that's it…Canada's totally the US….except for the fact that it's its OWN FREAKIN' COUNTRY!! Didn't you see the Southpark movie where we declared WAR on Canada?!!? Why would we declare war on ourselves, you moron!?!? (Sidebar: in retrospect, not the best argument for why Canada is its own country, but I was so flabbergasted by his whole 'It's just the extreme northern US' argument, I couldn't come up with anything really coherent...) (Second Sidebar: Don't you just love using the word "flabbergasted"?? Me, too!!)

And he's like "Jeez…chill. It's not that big of a deal…I'm sure it wasn't that expensive."

In other news: Verizon Wireless confirms that calls to Canada are $.49 per minute. Oh, and Canadians have confirmed that they are, in fact, a country.

Oh, and yes, I freakin' LOVE my new car.  Seriously.  Like, I just want to move into it.  I spent most of Sunday just sitting in it in the driveway.  I'm not kidding.