Monday, February 15, 2010

Word nerd

There are certain words that I just don't like.

I don't say them and I don't really want other people to say them around me. Mostly because....well...they're icky (the words, not other people....although sometimes, you know, it could be both if the guy saying these words is some slightly deranged looking old man with crazy hair and B.O.).

So, without further ado (was there really any "ado" in the first place?), I give you "The List of Words That I Can Rarely Say Without Gagging"

-C*nt (OMG--this has to be the most disgusting word EVER! I can't even type it...seriously...but if some shit goes down with some stupid girls in a bar? This is the word to throw out.)

-Tw*t (Again...a useful tool in a girl fight, but otherwise? Banish it from your vocabulary!)

-Diarrhea (Okay, I can usually say this one without gagging--I mean, I am a mom after all. But still--the grossness factor is high so I'm keeping it on the list.)

-Anal or anus (This one? Typically doesn't make me gag...but does occasionally make me snort or choke because I'm trying to stifle the juvenile laugh that is trying to make its way out of my mouth, so that's sort of like gagging.)

-Piss (In reference to peeing, no...but "pissed off" is okay. No, I don't know why. Shut up.)

-Moist (*retch* Need I say more?)

-Yeast Infection (I can't help but picture a whitish discharge....*retch*. And then I get a mental picture involving me and a girlfriend changing in the locker room of the gym and her asking me, "So, do you ever get that not-so-fresh feeling?".)

-Discharge (I got nuthin'. Dude...the word speaks for itself.)

-Pus (Again...nothing to say here....nothing.)

I'm seriously going to make myself gag in a minute. I just had lunch...and now I'm typing the most disgusting word list EVER.

Can we just do away with these words? Just take them out of the dictionary and out of the English language completely? That would be great...thanks Mr. Webster.

In their places, I would recommend using the following:

-C*nt and Tw*t: Just call it a va-jay-jay and move on. BUT a word of caution--"va-jay-jay" is NOT going to help you in an all-girl bar brawl. Just doesn't have the same "punch" you know? I'm also not entirely opposed to the "P" word....just in moderation.

-Diarrhea: Just say "upset stomach". People will get the picture as long as you're not blowing chunks in their face....I promise.

-Anal or Anus: "Butt"....we don't need to know the specific area of your butt. Just "butt" is specific enough for us, thanks.

-Piss: "Pee", "tinkle" or "teetee" are all acceptable terms here. "Piss" just makes it sound dirty somehow.

-Moist: I'm good with "sort of wet". Really. It works. "Can you hand me a towel? Oh, and could you sort of get it wet". See what I did there? Totally avoided the word "moist".

-Yeast Infection, Discharge and Pus: There are no replacement words. This is just shit you shouldn't talk about. Seriously. Can we talk about your anal diarrhea issues instead?

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