Thursday, February 11, 2010

Are you still a slut if you don't put out?

I have been accused of being many things in my day...mostly by small-minded women who did not appreciate MY appreciation for their hot-ass man. Hey, it ain't a sin to look....I'm just sayin'....

Basically, I'm a big ol' flirt. And so is my husband. When we first met (in a country dancing bar, of course), we used to walk in, give each other 15 minutes to get a drink and then meet in the back to see who got theirs free. Really. My now-husband obliged--actually, encouraged--me to get alcoholic beverages from other men. His thinking? "Hey, it saves me a few bucks." And you know what? That fucker always won! I think it must have been because the dudes who were going to buy me a drink wanted me to like, stick around and actually talk to them.....douche bags. "Thanks for the Bud Lite! I'm out!"

But back to me.

Big flirt. Huge. Like, I will bat my eyelashes and make witty remarks about my trip to Napa Valley to the grocery store wine sample dude with the FULL expectation of getting more than one free sample. And you know, I have to say, it's gotten me quite a bit of free vino during my lifetime. Honestly, I think people appreciate flirtiness....especially old men who hang out at dive bars on weeknights and bartenders who don't speak very good English and have a cultural appreciation for blue eyes. (Ladies, I'm here to tell you that is an open market to getting free beer!) I mean, who doesn't appreciate a little ego boost now and again?? Even if they are married....it's not like I'm looking to get laid--I got that at home. But you know, an extra shot in my margarita or a free draft or two would be nice.

And no...I most certainly do not think I'm "all that". I was blessed with the gift of gab, if you will. Or as my mother says, "the ability to bullshit my way through anything". This skill definitely comes in handy when you're trying to score a free sample from the wine tasting dude that you are pretty sure is gay. Even gay dudes like to be flirted with....probably more by men, but you know, a nice compliment by a married chick about their eyes would surely be appreciated. And then they would be inclined to give said married chick just one more teensy little sample of wine while she's doing her grocery shopping.....riiiight????

Works like a charm.

But the one thing I have NEVER been able to flirt my way out of? A speeding ticket. Cops have anti-flirt training at the academy, I swear. Fucking cops.

So I guess my flirting skills are only beneficial in the acquisition of alcohol?

Go figure.

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