Wednesday, June 2, 2010

Things I learned while vacationing at the Texas coast

(Yes, we've been on vacation....okay, it was like a "mini-vacation" because it was basically just a long weekend down at the coast.  But when you're po'? Yeah, it's a vacation.  Anyway, that's why I haven't been takes a flippin' act of Congress to get all the shit together for a family of four to vacation.  I swear I've done enough laundry to outfit a college fraternity.  So yeah, that's my excuse for not posting in a while....and I think it's a pretty damn good one if I do say so myself.)

• Do not show the five-year-old what a jellyfish looks like so that they may avoid stepping on or getting stung by said jellyfish. It will only serve to freak her the fuck out about getting in the ocean and then you'll spend the rest of the trip by the condo's pool.

• Drinking beer all day in the Texas summer heat will produce the expected results unless you eat lunch…or at least breakfast...or even a bag of peanuts.

• I would be the size of my refrigerator if I lived within 100 yards of a Whataburger (which our condo was). Taquitos for breakfast, cheeseburgers for lunch?! What's not to love?

• The bonding experienced between a husband and a wife while everyone is at the front of the boat and the husband is standing between you and the shore so that the people fishing on the shore can't see you sitting and peeing in a bucket may be the cure for the divorce rate in this country.

• If you can pee in a bucket with three adults and three children on the same boat with you plus the, oh…say…five or six dudes fishing on shore possibly watching you, you can say with absolute conviction that you do not have a shy bladder.

• God Bless the person who invented the car DVD player. I'd like to shake that dude's hand and personally let him know how that I only had to say "Don't make me stop this car!" like, once on the drive down to the beach.

• If four adults and three kids can survive a long weekend together in a total of about 300 square feet of space, I don't see what the problem is with letting the Chinese have more than one baby. Overcrowding-schmovercrowding....

• Should you be out fishing all day and think it's funny to text your wife and tell her to bring some cash and meet you at the boat launch because you're being escorted in by a game warden to take a field sobriety test, which is completely NOT TRUE?? Forget all of your "pee time bonding"….she will be pissed. And then retaliate by hiding the vodka. Don't fuck with her.

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