Saturday, June 26, 2010

The Fourth (of July)

I can't believe that June is almost over.

And of course, now the question that everyone has is "So what are y'all doing for the Fourth?".  Which you should just automatically understand to mean the Fourth of July...I mean, what are you? Stupid? Anti-American? A Saddam Hussein supporter? Jeez....

We have a couple of friends who are having parties and then my family is headed out to the ranch. Choices, choices, choices.  Whatever, we're totally going to the ranch to drink lots of beer and celebrate our independence and freedom to do things like own guns and shoot shit.  I'm sure it'll be a blast.

But I have to admit, the Fourth (of July) is not exactly my favorite holiday.  And no mom, I'm not an anti-patriot....I swear.  My beef with the Fourth (of July)?

It is miserably HOT.

And then? You GRILL....because a fire is definitely in order when it's already 104 fucking degrees outside.

Or? You pop fireworks....again, because you absolutely need fire when it's this warm, and the lack of rain in the summer makes this a fun and SAFE family outing (she says, without a hint of sarcasm).  Don't get me wrong, fireworks are fun, but we spend the majority of our time when popping fireworks keeping our pyromaniac son from lighting them and throwing them in the front seat of the truck.  Or the bed of the truck.  Or in the dog's collar.  Or his sister's ear.  Seriously, that kid is dangerous with fireworks.  He gets this crazed look in his eye and starts saying, "Fire! Fire! Fire!" all the time.

My perfect Fourth of July would include the lake, a boat and drive-thru.  No cooking, plenty of water to cool off in, minimal heat and no fireworks (other than the ones the city has already paid for and is so graciously providing for your viewing pleasure....miles away from where my son is located so that he doesn't go all arsonist on us).

This must have something to do with the fact that in my family, the Fourth (of July) was always a day to work cows.  Yes, I'm serious.  Basically, when you own cows, a couple of times a year, you need to pen them up, sell off whatever you're selling that year, spray them with fly spray, brand any new ones you're keeping and cut any bull calves you want to sell as steers (if you have questions about that, go ask your father).  Anyway, so this is how my Fourth (of July) was spent....sweating my ass off, listening to my dad yell at the stupid cows and riding horses for 3 hours in the Louisiana summer heat.

Inevitably, after it was all over, my mom would say something like "Well, glad that's done! It's the Fourth (of July)! We should cook out! How about  burgers?!"

To which my reply was something along of the lines of "You have got to be fucking kidding me".

Enjoy your Fourth (of July)!

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