Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's good to have goals

Letter to some editor out there who wants to take me on as an author and one day publish all of my random rantings and make me millions of American dollars:

Dear Mr. Publishing Company Man:

Hi.  You don't know who I am because I try very hard to protect my identity from freakshow right-wing conservatives who object to the use of the words "vajayjay" and "fuck" and might want to get me fired from my real job.  Don't worry, when it's time to cut me a royalty check, I'll be sure and give you a call so that you get my name right on that fucker.  Oh, and yes, I have a real job....but please, don't let that convince you that I'm not fully dedicated to my writing. The issue is that the electric company doesn't accept "I'm a starving author" when your bill is due...they'll pretty much turn that shit off in the absence of money.

Anyhoo, I write pretty much just like I talk, but again, because we won't have a conversation until it's time to send me money, you'll just have to trust me on that one.  I usually write about odd, random or totally unbelievable, vaguely redneck shit that *actually* happens to me.  And I for one happen to think I'm pretty damn funny.  Also, I have a whole 7 followers....dude, tell me these people are not totally cutting edge?? Two words: Trend. Setters.

Still not convinced?? Okay, well then how about this: how many redneck bloggers can you think of who can spell or know when to make a new paragraph and shit?? Yeah, exactly. 

So back to that whole "paying me to write" thing....you should totally do it.  All the cool kids are....come on dude, drink the kool-aid.  (Sidebar: did you not just totally fucking love kool-aid when you were a kid?? Man, I sure did! My mom never made it because it was all "high in sugar" and "unhealthy" and whatnot.  But my aunt next door ALWAYS had a pitcher of kool-aid! And all the way over there I'd be all "Man, I can't wait to get to Aunt T's house and drink some kool-aid!" and then just my luck, I'd get there and it'd be grape.  Fucking grape.  Disgusting.  But still, I'd force down a glass or two just because it was sugary as hell.) 

In conclusion, I am available to any publishing company who is looking to break the "next big thing" into the world of fiction.....which would be me in case you missed that part.....seven out of seven followers agree.


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