Confessions of a Bad Mother: The Christmas Edition

1. My kid's "Teacher Gift" this year was a re-gift. I'm a serial re-gifter.

2.  I have not made any Christmas cookies, treats, snacks, or other forms of baked goods AT ALL this year and I do not intend to.  I actually took a crab dip to a Christmas party last night, saw there was a shitload of food and stuck it in the fridge to save for the Christmas party I'm going to today.  Yes, mom, I know that was tacky, but the hostess assured me it was no problem...and I wanted to believe her, so I did.

3.  I do not have an Elf on a Shelf.  I will never have an Elf on a Shelf.  For two reasons: 1. They're creepy as hell and 2. I'm too fucking lazy to move the stupid thing every night.  My kids will never know the joy that comes from knowing that Santa, in all his "naughty/nice" glory, sent a minion to watch over you and make sure you don't screw it up in the weeks before Christmas.  How Big Brother are we, Santa?? And where the hell is the elf the rest of the year?? Where was that fucker on the day the kid took a black magic marker to the new carpet and the dog?? I didn't see his creepy ass lurking around THEN, did I?? So, that's a big NEGATIVE on the Elf on a Shelf.

4.  I put ribbon on all of my packages because I am obsessive about wrapping gifts and they all have to be pretty.  Yes, I know kids can't get the ribbon off and dad has to pull out his pocket knife to cut it, thereby endangering the kid because dad now has a knife out, but they have to be PRETTY, dammit! The "Bag o' Bows" doesn't cut it at our house.

5. I found a Target bag with an Easter book and a brown stuffed rabbit in it in the closet with the gift wrapping stuff.  Guess who's getting an Easter book and a stuffed rabbit in one of her presents?? Double the Jesus holiday!

6.  I have no outside lights and no inflatable yard decorations.  I'm certain I'm on some sort of list because of this and I can only hope it's not the naughty one.  People on my street probably think we're Jewish....or Jehovah's Witnesses (aren't they the ones that don't celebrate holidays? I'm pretty sure they are.)

7.  I started my Christmas shopping on December 11th.  STARTED.  I'm so screwed.

8.  The other day, I was driving home and the crossing arm thingy was down at the railroad crossing by my house and there was a train stopped on the tracks a ways back from it.  So the arm goes up and the dude in front of me starts across before it was all the way up.  THEN, it started coming back down on his car! It literally almost chopped down on his car...he had to, like, gun it to get through before it hacked the top of his Jeep! And, I laughed.  Because it would have been hilarious if it had just whacked the shit out of his car!

And I know, that makes me a bad person. 

And that story has nothing to do with Christmas, but I hate lists with odd numbers.
 

You might be breaking up with me after reading this post.

(Disclaimer: Some of you may never read my blog again.  You may, in fact, "unfriend" me from facebook, quit following me on twitter and possibly never speak to me again.  It's okay...I understand.  Oh, and yes, you read that correctly, I've sold out and I do the Twitter.  I know.  I'm lame.)

You know what I don't get?

The whole "married couple sharing one facebook page" thing.

Really? I took your last name, I birthed your child and I give you sex regularly enough to keep you interested.  Now you want my flippin' social network???

Um, no.

To me, that feels a little too much like "Hey, now that we're married, it's just easier for us to have one cell phone contract, one checking account and oh yeah, one identity."  Hmm...I'll keep my checking account and my identity, thanks....although you're totally right about the cell phone contract, so let's do that one for sure.

Would you believe I survived an entire 25 years before I even knew my husband??? (A fact of which I have to remind him often when he tries to be too bossy, but which I can totally forget should there be some sort of rodent in the house.)

Yeah, so I'm pretty sure I can handle my own social networking without him, thanks.  I have my own friends, my own hobbies and interests, things I "like" that he may not....and last I checked, I'm pretty okay with that.  Keeps conversation interesting at the dinner table, ya know? It's not like:
"Hey did you know so-and-so got engaged?"
"Yeah"
"Oh, well did you see that the new blah-di-blah album is out?"
"Yeah, on facebook"
"Oh.....umm....well...how was your day?"
"Didn't you see our status? It sucked."
"Well, I had a great day...so why would OUR status say it sucked??"
"Because it's OUR status...duh"

I would guess that most people in favor of the shared facebook page believe it helps eliminate questions as to fidelity in your marriage.  I really don't know...I guess people think it just helps keep it all "above board" between you and your spouse.  So there are no questionable friendships or relationships of which your spouse is unaware?? 

Here's the deal: Ring + Vows = Fidelity.  Period.

I happen to be friends with quite a few people I've dated in the past.  Is that a problem? No, because the word is datED, as in past tense, no longer and over with.  It satisfies my inner stalker and assures me that they ended up marrying someone *almost* as cool as I am (well, except for this one guy who ended up marrying a doctor...dude, you did waaay better with that chick, I promise!).  And so if my husband and I occasionally like to poke fun of this guy I dated for a bit in college and is now super fat and lives with his mom, well, that's just all the more fun for us, huh?
If that is the argument used by proponents of the "single facebook page lifestyle", I'm sorry, but in my opinion, it's flawed.  Seriously, if I were going to cheat, I certainly wouldn't be dumb enough to do it from my OWN facebook page! Um, helloooo?? I'd create a fake one that only me and my affair buddy would know about....duh.  Which would mean that even if Ronnie and I were "co-facebookers", he still wouldn't know I was having an affair and the whole point of having a single page would be moot. (Sidebar: LOVE LOVE LOVE using the word "moot"!)

So now all the "same-page couples" that read this can go unfriend me on facebook...it's fine, I totally understand.  Although to be fair, I'm going to have to ask you to unfriend my husband, too, right?

Right.

Mom

This is for you, Mama! Happy birthday and I love you.


My mom is:

fearless yet terrified of losing someone she loves; a GREAT cook; funny; the most courageous person I’ve ever known; an antique watch collector; my best friend; still able to put my head on her shoulder and let me cry even though I’ve got five inches on her; a thoughtful person; a jewelry fiend; fiercely loyal, often to her own detriment; a voracious reader; a hottie; really good at driving really fast…unless she’s talking; the best wine-tasting partner EVER; great in a crisis; Southern; never one to say “I told you so”; bad at remembering and retelling jokes; someone who prays daily; highly entertained by my sense of humor; constantly working to better herself; accepting of others; someone who often over-analyzes things; independent; a lover of cowboy boots and blue jeans; a shopaholic; a doting yet firm grandmother; a virtuous woman; a cowgirl through and through; a gadget-lover; well-traveled, well-spoken and well-educated; always up for an adventure; a sports-car fanatic; a dreamer and yet a realist; a giver; supportive of decisions I make even if she feels they’re not good ones; open-minded; family oriented; the coolest Mom EVER.

Self-Help 101 (I'm pretty sure I should write a book...)

Things I'm good at:
-thinking through other people's problems and offering multiple solutions that involve analysis of even the most discreet of details.  (Seriously, I am the mother of all problem solvers....)

Things I'm not good at:
-solving my own problems.

WTF?

How does that even add up??

How is it possible for me to objectively consider all angles of other people's lives, issues, circumstances, etc. and offer multiple reasonable solutions and when it's my own shit, which I should know backwards and forwards?? I freeze up and become a bundle of anxiety.  Then my husband has to talk me down from the ledge and intravaneously feed me vodka.

Makes no sense.  I need to grow some balls or something.  Seriously.  I just want to tell myself exactly what I would me if I were my friend who was as good at problem solving as I am to my friends (yeah, just go with it)..."Man up, grow some balls and face the issue."  Damn, I give good advice when I'm pretending to be my friend who is really as good at this stuff as I am.

If you happen to overhear me talking to myself, no worries...it's my new "pretend to be my friend who is good at listening to my problems and offering solutions that don't involve ledge-jumping or vodka" self-help strategy.

In fact, here's a list of the self-help strategies I employ when stressed out:
-Cry
-Hyperventilate
-Drink
-Lose sleep
-Drink
-Bitch at my husband
-Cuss
-Drink
-Gripe about everything
-Cry
-Lose more sleep
-Drink more

How are these "helpful"? They're not, really....but I generally feel better after I finish this list.  Or perhaps I just have a buzz? Either way....

A cry for help

OMG

I need a hobby.

My husband and I are having entirely too much "togetherness" lately.  And then he goes off to play softball, hunt or fish and I'm left at home with the kid (which is generally pretty painless, but still...I'm home....with her...and she's home...with me.  Get the picture?).

And since when does he have so many frickin' hobbies??

I need some girl time.  Some *adult* girl time.

I am, in fact, SO desperate for adult girl time that I *actually* attended a buy-crap party last weekend.

Yes.

Me.

Buy-crap party.

Yes.

Me.

Wickless candles and purses.

This is desperation, people!

And you know the best part? I went to the party with absolutely NO intention of buying a damn thing and EVERY intention of drinking their wine and eating their party food.  DUDE. I flippin' LOVE party food.  Cheese and crackers, vegetables and dip, hummus and pita chips?? Heeaaveen!

So that's exactly what I did.

I was also the last person to leave.

And as I recall it went something like, "Please don't make me go back!!! Please!!".

Okay, that may have been slightly dramatic, but it was sort of totally not at all like that.

I did stay for a long damn time....and I did not purchase a single thing.  Oh, and I may or may not have emptied the bottle of white wine the hostess opened for me....I mean, the party.

So yeah, I need a hobby.

I'm actually thinking of taking up jogging.

Holy hell, who have I become?!!? Wickless candles, purses and jogging?!?!?!

HELP!

Not only is it all together, but it all matches and is tied with a bow.

So this week is "feel-good" week at work.  It's a week where we basically go an extra step or two towards telling our fellow co-workers how much we appreciate them and whatnot.  We do fun little things like leave treats in people's mailboxes and write nice note cards to people, etc. 

Before you ask, yes, I participated and yes, I was nice....to about 5 people.  But hey, I did *something*.

Honestly, one of the coolest parts of the whole week is the "Nice Note Card" activity. Everyone's name gets put on top of a note card in the break room and then everyone has the week to go in and write (anonymously) nice things about the person.  I love it! Mostly because I am always shocked by what people think about me...this year being no exception.

My note card says, and I quote, "I don't know anyone else who has it more together than you."

Really?? You think I have "it" together??? Do you even know me??

I am so NOT together that I:

-can't balance a checkbook.
-regularly lose my keys, cell phone and other slightly important items.
-also regularly forget to make arrangements for someone to pick up my kid and scramble at the last minute.
-never know the balance of my bank account.
-have run out of gas on the way to work because I didn't even notice my fuel light was on. More than once...
-regularly leave the house with wet hair and no make-up on, yet still arrive late.
-have to go to the grocery store at least 87 times a month because I never get *everything* the first time, even when I make a list.
-am generally 10-15 minutes late wherever I go.
-am almost always out of milk or eggs and borrow them from my neighbor.
-color-code my planner to stay on top of it all, forget to write shit down in it and still miss important meetings.
-forget my grocery list at work or at home when going to the grocery store.
-pay my water bill late EVERY MONTH (no exaggeration) because I have to mail it and I *never* have stamps.
-have killed several cell phones via various methods of torture such as dropping them in the river, running over them with my truck and drowning them in a vodka tonic (don't ask).

I am, however, immensely flattered that you think I "have it all together"...because seriously? I'm pretty sure I'm constantly trying to pick up the pieces and just keep them in a somewhat organized pile.

I'm a fan of the "somewhat organized pile".

Are you in good hands?

Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't understand insurance?

We just recently got something from work about updating our disability insurance coverage. 

Yeah...I'm pretty sure I didn't even  know I *had* disability insurance coverage, much less how much it is and even less than much less, when/if/why/by how much I should update it.

I swear to you that the words "deductible" and "copay" send me into a catatonic trance.

_______________________________

See? I just totally blanked out there.

You know what else I don't understand? Medical billing and health insurance.  I mean, I have it...that's about the extent of my knowledge.  The other day a friend of mine was going on and on about how her insurance was trying to screw her because they were saying she hadn't met her deductible (___________...sorry) and the doctor's office sent her a bill and it was a shitload of money.  So she pretty much spent a whole day on the phone with the doctor and the insurance company getting it straight and faxing them paperwork and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah (I understood about half of what she said).

Really??? You spent your time doing that??

Because if I get a doctor bill and I have insurance, I don't pay it.  

What?

That's what insurance is FOR, am I right? I pay for insurance so I don't have to pay for doctors and check-ups and shit.  Basically, I pay the insurance company to write checks to the doctor. Like they're my own private little accountant who's in charge of handling all that business.

And then when I get a second or third bill (or perhaps a collections notice) from the doctor's office, I generally pay it....because obviously my insurance accountant chick is out on vacation! And really? The insurance company should be paying ME in those cases for doing HER job.

Just kidding...I have a vague understanding of insurance. It borders somewhere between my knowledge of Tao Te Ching and the geography of the former Soviet Bloc....but hey, it's something.


Okay, okay, I *do* sort of understand insurance.  It, unfortunately, happens to be one of those "adulty" things you have to learn when you get kicked off your parent's insurance after college.  But it's totally a pain in the ass, am I right??
 
Maybe I should just re-read the Tao Te Ching and I'll feel more zen about insurance.  Probably not.