Friday, December 16, 2011

Confessions of a Bad Mother: The Christmas Edition

1. My kid's "Teacher Gift" this year was a re-gift. I'm a serial re-gifter.

2.  I have not made any Christmas cookies, treats, snacks, or other forms of baked goods AT ALL this year and I do not intend to.  I actually took a crab dip to a Christmas party last night, saw there was a shitload of food and stuck it in the fridge to save for the Christmas party I'm going to today.  Yes, mom, I know that was tacky, but the hostess assured me it was no problem...and I wanted to believe her, so I did.

3.  I do not have an Elf on a Shelf.  I will never have an Elf on a Shelf.  For two reasons: 1. They're creepy as hell and 2. I'm too fucking lazy to move the stupid thing every night.  My kids will never know the joy that comes from knowing that Santa, in all his "naughty/nice" glory, sent a minion to watch over you and make sure you don't screw it up in the weeks before Christmas.  How Big Brother are we, Santa?? And where the hell is the elf the rest of the year?? Where was that fucker on the day the kid took a black magic marker to the new carpet and the dog?? I didn't see his creepy ass lurking around THEN, did I?? So, that's a big NEGATIVE on the Elf on a Shelf.

4.  I put ribbon on all of my packages because I am obsessive about wrapping gifts and they all have to be pretty.  Yes, I know kids can't get the ribbon off and dad has to pull out his pocket knife to cut it, thereby endangering the kid because dad now has a knife out, but they have to be PRETTY, dammit! The "Bag o' Bows" doesn't cut it at our house.

5. I found a Target bag with an Easter book and a brown stuffed rabbit in it in the closet with the gift wrapping stuff.  Guess who's getting an Easter book and a stuffed rabbit in one of her presents?? Double the Jesus holiday!

6.  I have no outside lights and no inflatable yard decorations.  I'm certain I'm on some sort of list because of this and I can only hope it's not the naughty one.  People on my street probably think we're Jewish....or Jehovah's Witnesses (aren't they the ones that don't celebrate holidays? I'm pretty sure they are.)

7.  I started my Christmas shopping on December 11th.  STARTED.  I'm so screwed.

8.  The other day, I was driving home and the crossing arm thingy was down at the railroad crossing by my house and there was a train stopped on the tracks a ways back from it.  So the arm goes up and the dude in front of me starts across before it was all the way up.  THEN, it started coming back down on his car! It literally almost chopped down on his car...he had to, like, gun it to get through before it hacked the top of his Jeep! And, I laughed.  Because it would have been hilarious if it had just whacked the shit out of his car!

And I know, that makes me a bad person. 

And that story has nothing to do with Christmas, but I hate lists with odd numbers.

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