Wednesday, May 19, 2010

Fatty McGee

So I recently took a good long look at myself and said, "Self, you have really got to cut back on the greasy food and beer because none of your summer clothes fit and it looks like two mutant babies have taken up residence under your armpits". And myself promptly replied, "Fuck you fatty…I like to eat!" And I was all, "Look self; you don't have to use rude name-calling to motivate us into going on a diet and trying to lose a few pounds. We just need to look at little more toned in our tank tops and shorts." And then myself was like, "Can you repeat that? I didn't hear you over the massive tacos and beer fest I was having. You want one?"


I have started a diet.

And I couldn't tell you the last time I had a corn chip….or bread….or a cheeto….or beer. (Okay, yes, I'm totally lying on that last one…but I mean, really? Can you seriously call Michelob Ultra "beer"?? More like "beer flavored water", if you ask me. Besides, I only had like 6...5…4 on Sunday so that's not so bad, right? Right.) Anyway, so last night, because I just couldn't stomach the thought of Michelob Ultra (never mind the fact that we didn't have any), I decided to have a Crown Royal and water with just a smidge of lime, which is really odd for me, because I'm not much on whiskey (which I know you already knew because you have read my bio, like 187 times and have it memorized, duh).

But, Oh. My. God.

It was gooood.

So now I'm addicted to Crown Royal and water with a twist of lime.

At least it's not as fattening as beer. (See? I'm a health-conscious alcoholic.) (I'm not an alcoholic mom, I was just kidding. Really. I'm not. I took a quiz and everything.)

So as part of the diet plan, I'll figure out how many calories/carbs to save up for a drink or two an evening and that way (maybe) I'll lose my beer gut and actually look decent (for a 30-year-old mother with a softball player build) in my shorts and tank tops.

What's that? You think I should just quit drinking alcohol all together because of the extra calories or carbs and diet at the same time so I can maximize my weight loss potential??

You must be shitting me if you think I can handle all that. It's like I don't even know you anymore…

Baby steps people, baby steps.


  1. I am also a dieting drinker... NO way I can give everything up.

  2. I gave up Coke and only lost 5 lbs. Not worth the effort. Eat Drink and be Merry!

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  4. The mutant baby comment almost made me snort while laughing. Good Luck!