Tuesday, March 8, 2011

Most of the time - and this includes naps - I'm an F-18

An open letter to crazy celebrities everywhere:

Hi. You don’t know me, but when I’m done telling you about my fantastic services, you will want to! I am about to give you the deal of a lifetime!

Are you tired of all these pesky news interviews about your mental breakdowns? Want to make sure you’re showing how “normal” famous people are? Feeling like everything you say gets misquoted or used out of context by the media?

Then you need to hire ME!

No, I’m not a “life-coach”. I’m not a “motivational speaker”, “mental health professional” or “physician”. I’m not even a “sober friend”…because let’s all just be honest here, those things haven’t worked, right?? Right. So what you need is what I’m offering!


Think about it! You’re walking down the street, rubbing your newly shaved head, thinking about “Winning” and how you can get your ankle bracelet off and BAM! Microphone and camera in your face! “What can you tell us about shaving your head? Where are your children? Are you seeing a doctor? Why are you wearing a tutu?” And you’re thinking “Ohmigod, what do I do??” and just as you are about to start ranting about being a warlock full of tiger’s blood and not of this territory, enter me, your shut-the-hell-up friend! With a clamped hand over your mouth and a quick “Shut the hell up!” I help you salvage what’s left of your career! Think of all the perks to having a shut-the-hell-up friend! Picture it: Your dad calls to tell you he’s taking over control of your assets because you’re completely out of control and just as you’re about to tell him you wrote him out of your will and left everything to the homeless lady who feeds pigeons in the park because you found out that she’s an extraterrestrial from a different time zone? “Shut the hell up!” And just like that, Dad helps you get your shit together and you make a killer CD/movie/song/Broadway debut.

Now, given your highly developed sense of self-preservation, you may be asking, “What’s the catch?” or “How much is this gonna cost me?” Well, my mentally incapacitated future celebrity rehab fodder, only a small payment of $500,000 dollars. I figure with that amount, I can have you trained to curb your ranting desires and you’ll start hearing “Shut the hell up” in your sleep within 3 months. Three months and I can have you back to your sweet, charming, pre-crazy days. A simple investment of the funds formerly used to pay off the paparazzi for those shots of you bashing in your ex’s car window with an umbrella while wearing a New Kids on the Block tee-shirt and singing the theme song from the Smurfs.

Three months, $500,000 and a lifetime of continuing your um, “art”….you do the math.

Don’t delay! Get your shut-the-hell-up friend TODAY!


Note to “shut-the-hell-up!” self

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