Self-Help 101 (I'm pretty sure I should write a book...)

Things I'm good at:
-thinking through other people's problems and offering multiple solutions that involve analysis of even the most discreet of details.  (Seriously, I am the mother of all problem solvers....)

Things I'm not good at:
-solving my own problems.

WTF?

How does that even add up??

How is it possible for me to objectively consider all angles of other people's lives, issues, circumstances, etc. and offer multiple reasonable solutions and when it's my own shit, which I should know backwards and forwards?? I freeze up and become a bundle of anxiety.  Then my husband has to talk me down from the ledge and intravaneously feed me vodka.

Makes no sense.  I need to grow some balls or something.  Seriously.  I just want to tell myself exactly what I would me if I were my friend who was as good at problem solving as I am to my friends (yeah, just go with it)..."Man up, grow some balls and face the issue."  Damn, I give good advice when I'm pretending to be my friend who is really as good at this stuff as I am.

If you happen to overhear me talking to myself, no worries...it's my new "pretend to be my friend who is good at listening to my problems and offering solutions that don't involve ledge-jumping or vodka" self-help strategy.

In fact, here's a list of the self-help strategies I employ when stressed out:
-Cry
-Hyperventilate
-Drink
-Lose sleep
-Drink
-Bitch at my husband
-Cuss
-Drink
-Gripe about everything
-Cry
-Lose more sleep
-Drink more

How are these "helpful"? They're not, really....but I generally feel better after I finish this list.  Or perhaps I just have a buzz? Either way....

A cry for help

OMG

I need a hobby.

My husband and I are having entirely too much "togetherness" lately.  And then he goes off to play softball, hunt or fish and I'm left at home with the kid (which is generally pretty painless, but still...I'm home....with her...and she's home...with me.  Get the picture?).

And since when does he have so many frickin' hobbies??

I need some girl time.  Some *adult* girl time.

I am, in fact, SO desperate for adult girl time that I *actually* attended a buy-crap party last weekend.

Yes.

Me.

Buy-crap party.

Yes.

Me.

Wickless candles and purses.

This is desperation, people!

And you know the best part? I went to the party with absolutely NO intention of buying a damn thing and EVERY intention of drinking their wine and eating their party food.  DUDE. I flippin' LOVE party food.  Cheese and crackers, vegetables and dip, hummus and pita chips?? Heeaaveen!

So that's exactly what I did.

I was also the last person to leave.

And as I recall it went something like, "Please don't make me go back!!! Please!!".

Okay, that may have been slightly dramatic, but it was sort of totally not at all like that.

I did stay for a long damn time....and I did not purchase a single thing.  Oh, and I may or may not have emptied the bottle of white wine the hostess opened for me....I mean, the party.

So yeah, I need a hobby.

I'm actually thinking of taking up jogging.

Holy hell, who have I become?!!? Wickless candles, purses and jogging?!?!?!

HELP!

Not only is it all together, but it all matches and is tied with a bow.

So this week is "feel-good" week at work.  It's a week where we basically go an extra step or two towards telling our fellow co-workers how much we appreciate them and whatnot.  We do fun little things like leave treats in people's mailboxes and write nice note cards to people, etc. 

Before you ask, yes, I participated and yes, I was nice....to about 5 people.  But hey, I did *something*.

Honestly, one of the coolest parts of the whole week is the "Nice Note Card" activity. Everyone's name gets put on top of a note card in the break room and then everyone has the week to go in and write (anonymously) nice things about the person.  I love it! Mostly because I am always shocked by what people think about me...this year being no exception.

My note card says, and I quote, "I don't know anyone else who has it more together than you."

Really?? You think I have "it" together??? Do you even know me??

I am so NOT together that I:

-can't balance a checkbook.
-regularly lose my keys, cell phone and other slightly important items.
-also regularly forget to make arrangements for someone to pick up my kid and scramble at the last minute.
-never know the balance of my bank account.
-have run out of gas on the way to work because I didn't even notice my fuel light was on. More than once...
-regularly leave the house with wet hair and no make-up on, yet still arrive late.
-have to go to the grocery store at least 87 times a month because I never get *everything* the first time, even when I make a list.
-am generally 10-15 minutes late wherever I go.
-am almost always out of milk or eggs and borrow them from my neighbor.
-color-code my planner to stay on top of it all, forget to write shit down in it and still miss important meetings.
-forget my grocery list at work or at home when going to the grocery store.
-pay my water bill late EVERY MONTH (no exaggeration) because I have to mail it and I *never* have stamps.
-have killed several cell phones via various methods of torture such as dropping them in the river, running over them with my truck and drowning them in a vodka tonic (don't ask).

I am, however, immensely flattered that you think I "have it all together"...because seriously? I'm pretty sure I'm constantly trying to pick up the pieces and just keep them in a somewhat organized pile.

I'm a fan of the "somewhat organized pile".

Are you in good hands?

Am I the only person on the planet who doesn't understand insurance?

We just recently got something from work about updating our disability insurance coverage. 

Yeah...I'm pretty sure I didn't even  know I *had* disability insurance coverage, much less how much it is and even less than much less, when/if/why/by how much I should update it.

I swear to you that the words "deductible" and "copay" send me into a catatonic trance.

_______________________________

See? I just totally blanked out there.

You know what else I don't understand? Medical billing and health insurance.  I mean, I have it...that's about the extent of my knowledge.  The other day a friend of mine was going on and on about how her insurance was trying to screw her because they were saying she hadn't met her deductible (___________...sorry) and the doctor's office sent her a bill and it was a shitload of money.  So she pretty much spent a whole day on the phone with the doctor and the insurance company getting it straight and faxing them paperwork and blah, blah, blah, blah, blah (I understood about half of what she said).

Really??? You spent your time doing that??

Because if I get a doctor bill and I have insurance, I don't pay it.  

What?

That's what insurance is FOR, am I right? I pay for insurance so I don't have to pay for doctors and check-ups and shit.  Basically, I pay the insurance company to write checks to the doctor. Like they're my own private little accountant who's in charge of handling all that business.

And then when I get a second or third bill (or perhaps a collections notice) from the doctor's office, I generally pay it....because obviously my insurance accountant chick is out on vacation! And really? The insurance company should be paying ME in those cases for doing HER job.

Just kidding...I have a vague understanding of insurance. It borders somewhere between my knowledge of Tao Te Ching and the geography of the former Soviet Bloc....but hey, it's something.


Okay, okay, I *do* sort of understand insurance.  It, unfortunately, happens to be one of those "adulty" things you have to learn when you get kicked off your parent's insurance after college.  But it's totally a pain in the ass, am I right??
 
Maybe I should just re-read the Tao Te Ching and I'll feel more zen about insurance.  Probably not.

The best thing about writing this post was spell checking it.

So this is us, pretending like it hasn't been two months since I blogged.

Just go with it.

TWO MONTHS?!!?

WTF!?!?

And you know, not one single comment asking as to whether or not I'm alive, have been sucked into a black hole or just don't like any of you anymore.  Not. A. One.

Lame asses.

So, what have you guys been up to? (I'm asking, but I don't really care and it's not like I'll hear your responses anyway, but hey! I asked! You guys didn't! So, by default, I'm now nicer than you are. I rule.)

In summary, it has been a hellacious couple of months.  (Sidebar: Ohmigod! Spell check just tried to turn "hellacious" into "fallatious"!!! Um, that's fucking awesome.  Oh, and let me assure you, it has NOT been a fallatious couple of months because we have pretty much been falling into bed already asleep. Aaaand now you know.)

And that's about all I have to say about that....nothing major, just hectic with work, school, extracurricular activities, yadda, yadda, yadda.  The same shit that all of you do, so why in the world would you want to read about it here?

Short answer: Ya don't. 

Moving on....

Things I'm thinking about/loving/googling/dealing with:

1.  Mike & Molly--ohmigod! The is, quite possibly, the BEST show on TV since Friends! And because I'm a teenager/young adult of the 90s and early 00s, Friends is like, the shit! If you haven't seen this show, WATCH IT! (Sidebar: I do not watch this show because it's about people who are overweight...the media has kind of made that the whole point, but I think, that is asinine (which, by the way, is one of my absolutely favorite words).  Basically, making it about the actors' weight is demeaning to their talent as comedians.  And now, I will gladly get off my soapbox and continue my witty banter.)

2.  Can you use Proactiv if you're pregnant? No, I'm not pregnant...(but if I was, holy shit balls! You guys would have totally heard about it because I would have absolutely freaked out!!!!)...but I have a very good friend who recently got pregnant through IVF, and this was a conversation we had today via IM.  Were we busy at work? I'm certain of it.

3.  How many activities are too many activities for a kid? I never want to make the mistake of being the "Over-Scheduling Parent", but seriously....she has GOT to have something to do besides be up my ass.  We're about to wrap up fall softball and now we're trying to figure out what's next...basketball, dance, karate, underwater basket weaving????  Not sure, but I've decided it's gotta be somethin'....

4.  How cheap am I willing to go on whiskey?? Yep, that's right.....I'm dieting again....(read all about my first diet fail with Crown and water here).  But honestly, it's going much better this time around! The hubs and I are carb dieting and I could almost swear to you I've got loose pants in the closet! I know!!! Me! Not having to lay on the bed to zip my shit every morning!!! Who knew!!?! Anyway, so now the dilemma is: Crown Royal is frickin' expensive.  Canadian Club....cheap, but hmmm....not so much the same. 

5.  Check engine light: OH. MY. GOD. My car is a total fucking bitch.  The check engine light?!!?! REALLY!?!?! It's like the drama queen's fake cry for help or some shit!! I know there's nothing wrong with you....I have your oil changed regularly and keep you all cleaned out and whatnot and YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO LIGHT UP YOUR LITTLE NAMBY PAMBY CHECK ENGINE LIGHT!?!??! I hate her. 

6.  Auto Zone: Did you know....if you take your car with the check engine light on to the Auto Zone, they will plug it up to this nifty little machine thingy that will tell you exactly what's wrong with it?? Fancy, huh?? They will NOT, however, be able to clear it so that the mother effing light goes off, NOR will they be able to sell you the shit that will fix it and make the mother effing light go off.  What in the hell is the point of "getting in the zone" then, Auto Zone??? To waste my flippin' time??? Well, then, mission accomplished....yay, you.

7.  The Saints are doing pretty damn good so far and Thank. God. They beat the Texans.  I'm starting to go a little overboard with the Saints gear though....got the shirts, got the cups, got the beads, got the stickers, got the "When the Saints go Marching In" bottle opener (how FUN! Open the bottle and it plays the song!!!)....it's getting to be a bit much.  Along those same lines, I'm turning in to quite the obnoxious football fan for certain college teams, too.  Who is this person and where did she come from?? I don't know, but it's a damn good excuse to spend Saturday and Sunday in front of the TV or at a sports bar drinking beer....dammit....Crown and.....nope....whiskey and water! Oh wait, never mind....NOW I know where this person came from.

8.  Recent discovery: there is a vineyard and winery FIVE MINUTES from my house.  Not kidding.  FIVE FRICKIN' MINUTES!!!!! Man, my life just got better.  And my Sunday was pretty awesome, too...the mom and I hit the vineyard and winery.  Made for a tough Monday though.

So yeah....

That's what's going on with me...sort of....or maybe not.  Maybe I just made up this whole flippin' blog post. 

You be the judge.

It's like those people who wear socks with sandals....they're cool with it, so why do I care?

Over the summer, the kid and I had multiple opportunities to go places with water, like the swimming pool, water park, lake or beach.  When you live in Texas and it's 118 degrees, you do what you can to stay cool.  (And no, this is NOT the part of the blog post where I rant on and on about how fucking HOT it is outside...you already know and it's pointless to bore you with repetition).  SO, the water park...or the pool...or wherever we were, generally there were people in swimwear.  Makes sense, right? Right.

O. M. Jesus.

Apparently some people don't own mirrors.

And honestly, some of them were so bad that I started wondering....you know, maybe it's just me?

Maybe I'm the one with the insane body-image issues and these people have one over on me, you know? Hey, they're cool being who they are (even if who they are is a 350 pound woman in a string, rebel flag bikini (yes, I saw that....and I'm here to tell you, there are some things you can't "unsee")).  So, who's the one with the problem here? Them? Or me?

I'm thinking it's me...and I'm pretty sure that my whole world is shifting because of it.  Do you know that in these moments of clarity I've actually considered wearing a bikini?? ME! In a TWO PIECE!! It's never happened before....but I'm thinking about breaking it out.  (After, of course, a few hours laying out in the backyard in it so that my stomach can get a *little* sun.  My momma's friend used to always say, "Tan fat is better than white fat!"  Words to live by, my friend.)

Here's the thing: these women are comfortable with their bodies and comfortable in a two piece swimsuit...so why shouldn't I be? I'm athletic, fairly toned and a nice average double-digit size.  I don't have to shop in plus sizes or anything.  No, my stomach's not flat (damn you, Miller Lite!) and yes, my thighs jiggle a little when I walk, but hey, maybe I should embrace this body I live in--cellulite, stretch marks and all.  I'll never be as thin as a model and I'll never have six-pack abs, but why should that put me in the "mom swimsuit closet"?? I'm starting to think it shouldn't!

I feel like I'm having an epiphany.

But then I actually think about being out in public in a two piece swimsuit and I start hyperventilating a little.  So I'll just start with baby steps...like laying out in the backyard. Or maybe just wearing it when I shower. Or in my bedroom with the lights down while no one else is home.

*sigh*

Men don't have to deal with shit like this...they can be fat and shirtless at the pool and no one says a thing.

Gotta love well-informed employees

I recently took a road trip over to South Louisiana to spend some time with some girlfriends that I don't get to see very much.  It was an awesome time...nothing like old friends and all that.  In order to get to our meeting point, I had to travel through much of southeast Texas, more specifically, Port Arthur, part of the Golden Triangle in Texas and the birthplace of one of my heroes, Janis Joplin.

I have been a Janis Joplin fan since junior high, when I declared her to be the coolest rebel chick I'd ever heard about and began to listen to her music pretty much non-stop. It was one of those "I'm so misunderstood and Janis was so misunderstood and ohmigod, we have so much in common" kind of things.  My mom was a little concerned....namely because my proclaimed "hero" was a bisexual drug addicted hippy who died of an overdose.  But, you know, it was all about the MUSIC, man!

Anyway, so road trip through Port Arthur...I google something like "Janis Joplin memorial" and find out that there is a really cool statue that was commissioned by some bad-ass sculptor dude and it is somewhere in Port Arthur.  Okaaayy....but where? And as a side note, let me just tell you that there are areas of Port Arthur that you don't want to just be driving through unawares...so, after more googling, I figure out that it's either in front of, near or actually inside the Gulf Coast Music Hall of Fame Museum.  So I call them.

And here's what went down:
Rashad: Thank you for calling the Gulf Coast Music Hall of Fame Museum.  This is Rashad. How may I help you?
Me: Hi Rashad.  I have kind of a random question for you.  I'm in the area and would really like to see the Janis Joplin memorial statue, but I can't figure out where it's located in Port Arthur.  Could you tell me where it is?
Rashad: I don't know.
Me: *pause* You don't know?
Rashad: Nope.
Me: Didn't I just call the Gulf Coast Music Hall of Fame Museum?
Rashad: Yep.
Me: And you have no idea where a statue of Janis Joplin, who is a female blues singer from Port Arthur, would be located?
Rashad: Nope.
Me: Oooookay.  Is there anyone else there who might be able to help me?
Rashad: Um, hang on.

Steve: Thank you for calling the Gulf Coast Hall of Fame Museum.  This is Steve.
Me: Hi Steve, I'm trying to find out where the commemorative statue of Janis Joplin is located in Port Arthur.  Do you know?
Steve: No.
Me: Really?
Steve: *silence*

Julie: Hi this is Julie, can I help you?
Me: Julie? What happened to Steve?? Oh well, whatever....okay, Julie...you're like the third person I've talked to.  So, here's the deal, I'm looking for a statue of Janis Joplin that is somewhere in Port Arthur.  Do you happen to know where?
Julie: Ummm....
Me: *incredulous silence*
Julie: Okay, I googled it and it looks like the one that we have here in the museum in our Janis Joplin display on the 2nd floor.
Me: Okay, so it's actually *in* your museum.
Julie: Yes.
Me: And you have two employees there who had no idea that was the case?
Julie: Apparently.
Me: Awesome....just so we're clear on that.  Okay, so what are your hours and admission fees and whatnot?
Julie: We're open daily from 10:00 to 6:00 and it costs $4.00 for adult admission to the museum.

I feel like I just ran a marathon.

And still? No picture of the statue, me with the statue or even visual proof that the statue does, in fact, exist.

Rashad, Steve and Julie, you guys ROCK.