Fun Fact About Kindergarten #1: Having a locker in your classroom, even if it's only a locker that's big enough to hold a midget and an umbrella, is the epitome of COOL.
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #2: Because the aforementioned locker is just so damn cool, the highlight of the day is putting things into, and taking things out of, the locker.
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #3: Learning people's names is not nearly as important as what they are wearing. For example, the kid has made a new friend and she has no idea what her name is, BUT she was her partner for an assignment and she was wearing a cute outfit. Friendship material? I think yes.
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #4: The "holding area" in the mornings is the Multi-Purpose Room (MPR). We did not have such things when I went to school....but the kid just thinks this is the coolest room EVER! "Mom! It's like a gym...but with carpet!"
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #5: You can sit by whomever you want to in the cafeteria at lunch. Me: "So, who did you sit by?" Her: "I don't know her name." Me: "So, what did you talk about?" Her: "Um, lunch." Riiiight. (Sidebar: Sarcasm at age 5?? Seriously?!)
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #6: There are not ONE but TWO playscapes on the playground. And they have SWINGS! But you have to wait your turn for the swings and if you're wearing a skirt or a dress and you swing, then it flies up and shows your shorts, so you should always wear shorts under it because, otherwise? You're showing your panties.
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #7: If you are late (by even one minute...I swear it was 7:46...really?!? One freakin' minute?!!?), you have to stand outside of the MPR room and miss morning announcements. Please don't ask how we know this after only FOUR days of school...
Fun Fact About Kindergarten #8: Evening activities may as well cease completely the first week of school. At cheer leading practice yesterday evening, the kid was standing in the glazed-over, blind-stare pose of someone who is sleeping with their eyes open while standing up (yes, that happens...I saw people doing it all the time in college). When the kid who never sleeps tells you "Mom, I can't even stand up anymore. I'm too tired. I need some rest or a nap", everyone should immediately STOP what they are doing, take that kid home and put her in BED. This will be documented as the day that hell froze over.
Friday, August 27, 2010
Monday, August 23, 2010
Minutes
I never knew that it could feel so good to be needed...
That one little word could invoke emotions ranging from panic to embarrassment to euphoria....
MOM.
I didn't intend to be a mother quite so soon...a fact that I don't share with you, but I would never hide from you...if that makes sense. Maybe I wasn't expecting you, but honestly kiddo, I've never known what was best for me. Luckily? God does....which I've heard is one of the best things about Him.
So I was given you.
The most beautiful, challenging and complex being I've ever met.
You are a lot like me.
Yet nothing like me at all.
You are like nothing or no one who has ever been or ever will be.
You are you.
And you are extraordinary.
Today, you started kindergarten....another chapter in the journey of your life. A journey that will most likely include years of formal and informal education (most things I learned in life about people, I learned from the junior high and high school cafeterias....I wish I was kidding).
But today wasn't about the years to come....it was about minutes. The minutes I spent pacing next to your crib wondering if your fever had broken yet. The minutes I spent rocking you and feeding you at 3 am praying that you would go back to sleep easily. The minutes I took to pack your bottles and later, your lunches, for daycare. The minutes I stared at you while you were sleeping because I had, quite literally, never seen anything so beautiful.
Preparing for today took years, but seeing you blossom took minutes.
The minutes I held your hand while walking into the building and down the hall to your classroom. The minutes spent unpacking your supplies and putting them away. The minutes I took to snap "just one more picture".
And the minute you turned from me with an "I love you, Mom. See you this afternoon!" and a gleaming smile on your face.
And in that minute, I knew you would be fine and that I'd never be needed in quite the same way again.
That one little word could invoke emotions ranging from panic to embarrassment to euphoria....
MOM.
I didn't intend to be a mother quite so soon...a fact that I don't share with you, but I would never hide from you...if that makes sense. Maybe I wasn't expecting you, but honestly kiddo, I've never known what was best for me. Luckily? God does....which I've heard is one of the best things about Him.
So I was given you.
The most beautiful, challenging and complex being I've ever met.
You are a lot like me.
Yet nothing like me at all.
You are like nothing or no one who has ever been or ever will be.
You are you.
And you are extraordinary.
Today, you started kindergarten....another chapter in the journey of your life. A journey that will most likely include years of formal and informal education (most things I learned in life about people, I learned from the junior high and high school cafeterias....I wish I was kidding).
But today wasn't about the years to come....it was about minutes. The minutes I spent pacing next to your crib wondering if your fever had broken yet. The minutes I spent rocking you and feeding you at 3 am praying that you would go back to sleep easily. The minutes I took to pack your bottles and later, your lunches, for daycare. The minutes I stared at you while you were sleeping because I had, quite literally, never seen anything so beautiful.
Preparing for today took years, but seeing you blossom took minutes.
The minutes I held your hand while walking into the building and down the hall to your classroom. The minutes spent unpacking your supplies and putting them away. The minutes I took to snap "just one more picture".
And the minute you turned from me with an "I love you, Mom. See you this afternoon!" and a gleaming smile on your face.
And in that minute, I knew you would be fine and that I'd never be needed in quite the same way again.
Wednesday, August 18, 2010
Stand Up
So I have this fantasty life (I have several, actually...check them out here), in which I am a stand-up comedienne. And people actually pay to come and listen to me rant about various and sundry things...much like what I write about here. But you're all getting to enjoy this shit for free....can you say "thank you"?? Yeah, you're welcome. Anyway...I digress (as usual). So because I have this fantasy life of being in stand-up comedy, I LOVE to watch it. I have a good friend who shares this enjoyment with me and is always telling me about new stand-up she caught on Comedy Central and if it was worth a damn and all that good stuff.
Her newest discovery is this guy....Holy Lord....he's funny. Check out the link and tell me I'm lyin'....
Her newest discovery is this guy....Holy Lord....he's funny. Check out the link and tell me I'm lyin'....
Thursday, August 5, 2010
Lessons on Jesus
Thank God.....I am finally back at work.
Now I can get back toblogging more often working!
And my husband and I can have a more appropriate amount of together time so that we don't kill each other.
Luckily, we all survived the summer.
We are, however, all a little shocked that school will be starting in two weeks so we're trying to squeeze in a few more lake trips, pool trips and movie days before we have to get back to the scheduled grind of the school year. The kid has decided to squeeze in one more camp before heading off to kindergarten, too. So, she's been attending vacation bible school with her cousin this week.
Which I may have to reconsider for the next few summers. Not because of any religious reasons or whatever, but more because I didn't realize how seriously she would take all of it. The first day she gets in the car and I'm all "So how was camp today?" and she's like "Good. We learned about Jesus. Did you know he's dead? That makes me sad for Jesus....I bet his mom cried." Me: "Oh no honey, he didn't stay dead, he was raised from the dead after three days". And she immediately perks up and asks when her pony, Sally, is returning to the pasture.
Parent biblical explanation: FAIL.
But then some of the stuff she's told me about it has been pretty damn funny. The next day I'm like, "Did you have fun at camp today?" and she says "Yep, but today was water play day, so we didn't talk about Jesus, we only talked about God. On water days, it's God and on the other days, it's Jesus". And then yesterday, I ask her about camp and she says "Today was fun. We talked about Jesus and how we need to follow him. But I don't really know where he's going....I guess we'll learn that tomorrow."
Catholics never really *did* the whole vacation bible school thing. I'm not sure why, but to be honest, since I went to school with the same kids I went to church with, not seeing them over the summer wasn't all that bad. Of course, I was raised with a healthy appreciation for Jesus...although I have to admit that I never realized he had such an aversion to water. Maybe that explains the whole turning it into wine thing and why he didn't want to get his feet wet so he just walked on top of the water.
The things I missed out on learning by never going to VBS...
Now I can get back to
And my husband and I can have a more appropriate amount of together time so that we don't kill each other.
Luckily, we all survived the summer.
We are, however, all a little shocked that school will be starting in two weeks so we're trying to squeeze in a few more lake trips, pool trips and movie days before we have to get back to the scheduled grind of the school year. The kid has decided to squeeze in one more camp before heading off to kindergarten, too. So, she's been attending vacation bible school with her cousin this week.
Which I may have to reconsider for the next few summers. Not because of any religious reasons or whatever, but more because I didn't realize how seriously she would take all of it. The first day she gets in the car and I'm all "So how was camp today?" and she's like "Good. We learned about Jesus. Did you know he's dead? That makes me sad for Jesus....I bet his mom cried." Me: "Oh no honey, he didn't stay dead, he was raised from the dead after three days". And she immediately perks up and asks when her pony, Sally, is returning to the pasture.
Parent biblical explanation: FAIL.
But then some of the stuff she's told me about it has been pretty damn funny. The next day I'm like, "Did you have fun at camp today?" and she says "Yep, but today was water play day, so we didn't talk about Jesus, we only talked about God. On water days, it's God and on the other days, it's Jesus". And then yesterday, I ask her about camp and she says "Today was fun. We talked about Jesus and how we need to follow him. But I don't really know where he's going....I guess we'll learn that tomorrow."
Catholics never really *did* the whole vacation bible school thing. I'm not sure why, but to be honest, since I went to school with the same kids I went to church with, not seeing them over the summer wasn't all that bad. Of course, I was raised with a healthy appreciation for Jesus...although I have to admit that I never realized he had such an aversion to water. Maybe that explains the whole turning it into wine thing and why he didn't want to get his feet wet so he just walked on top of the water.
The things I missed out on learning by never going to VBS...
Tuesday, July 27, 2010
Other People's Kids
A couple of days ago I took the kid to McDonald's. She was thrilled. Really? What is it about that place?? It's an indoor playscape for crying out loud...nothing too original about that. But ohmigod! She loves the McDonald's...
So we went.
And because it was Sunday and my husband was at the deer lease with his buddy, we stayed for as long as she wanted to. Which seriously? Was THREE HOURS. Yes, THREE HOURS. Holy Lord.
While sitting there for THREE HOURS watching her play on the oh-so-original-and-popular indoor playscape, I realized something: I'm not a fan of kids.
Oh, sure, I like my kids...most of the time. But Holy Obnoxious Batflaps Batman! Some kids? Are just downright annoying. For example, "Personal Space Invader" kid was out in full effect. You know these kids, right? They're the kids who have never met a stranger, like to tell you random stories about their grandma's teeth and have no problem at all sitting extremely close to, or on top of, you or your kid. And they're usually sticky.
"Personal Space Invader" kid's cousin, "Oversharing" kid was also there. "Hi. My name's Molly and I go to West Elementary School and we live in the Western Falls subdivision and have a dog named Chuck. My daddy works out of town alot and my mommy likes to eat Cheetos and watch Desperate Housewives, but we're not allowed to watch it with her". Well great, Molly! It's so nice to meet you! I'm going to continue to ignore you and refuse to give you eye contact in the hope that my reading my book is hint enough for you to stop talking to me. Oh and by the way, maybe you shouldn't approach a stranger and give them all this personal information in case they're "Creep at the McDonald's Playscape" guy, mmmkay??
Then there's the "Smart Ass Preteen Who Was Dragged to McDonald's with her Little Sister" kid. She threw a smooth-ass fit because her mom got her a cheeseburger rather than a hamburger. Her mom was all "Ohmigod, just eat it Mya and quit being a brat". And this kid looked at her mother and goes, "No, Mom. That's N-O. I'm not eating it because you screwed it up". And you know what this mother did? "Whatever Mya, you're so grounded. I'm sick of your attitude." And the kid proceeds to roll her eyes and bury herself back into her Nintendo DS.
Um, really?
Where was the "I'm whispering but I'm really yelling at your right now and you'd better straighten your shit out while you're still in public and I can't tell you what I'm really thinking" mom voice? Or the "Would you like to go to the restroom and have a private conversation about what I really think about your little attitude"? Or even the flat-out reach across the table and oh-so-subtly pinch you on the arm so you can adjust your attitude and eat your fucking cheeseburger and like it because I paid for it and there are starving children in Ethiopia?
None of that.
Instead, Mom buries herself in her iPod Touch.
No wonder kids don't have manners nowadays....neither do their parents.
So we went.
And because it was Sunday and my husband was at the deer lease with his buddy, we stayed for as long as she wanted to. Which seriously? Was THREE HOURS. Yes, THREE HOURS. Holy Lord.
While sitting there for THREE HOURS watching her play on the oh-so-original-and-popular indoor playscape, I realized something: I'm not a fan of kids.
Oh, sure, I like my kids...most of the time. But Holy Obnoxious Batflaps Batman! Some kids? Are just downright annoying. For example, "Personal Space Invader" kid was out in full effect. You know these kids, right? They're the kids who have never met a stranger, like to tell you random stories about their grandma's teeth and have no problem at all sitting extremely close to, or on top of, you or your kid. And they're usually sticky.
"Personal Space Invader" kid's cousin, "Oversharing" kid was also there. "Hi. My name's Molly and I go to West Elementary School and we live in the Western Falls subdivision and have a dog named Chuck. My daddy works out of town alot and my mommy likes to eat Cheetos and watch Desperate Housewives, but we're not allowed to watch it with her". Well great, Molly! It's so nice to meet you! I'm going to continue to ignore you and refuse to give you eye contact in the hope that my reading my book is hint enough for you to stop talking to me. Oh and by the way, maybe you shouldn't approach a stranger and give them all this personal information in case they're "Creep at the McDonald's Playscape" guy, mmmkay??
Then there's the "Smart Ass Preteen Who Was Dragged to McDonald's with her Little Sister" kid. She threw a smooth-ass fit because her mom got her a cheeseburger rather than a hamburger. Her mom was all "Ohmigod, just eat it Mya and quit being a brat". And this kid looked at her mother and goes, "No, Mom. That's N-O. I'm not eating it because you screwed it up". And you know what this mother did? "Whatever Mya, you're so grounded. I'm sick of your attitude." And the kid proceeds to roll her eyes and bury herself back into her Nintendo DS.
Um, really?
Where was the "I'm whispering but I'm really yelling at your right now and you'd better straighten your shit out while you're still in public and I can't tell you what I'm really thinking" mom voice? Or the "Would you like to go to the restroom and have a private conversation about what I really think about your little attitude"? Or even the flat-out reach across the table and oh-so-subtly pinch you on the arm so you can adjust your attitude and eat your fucking cheeseburger and like it because I paid for it and there are starving children in Ethiopia?
None of that.
Instead, Mom buries herself in her iPod Touch.
No wonder kids don't have manners nowadays....neither do their parents.
Thursday, July 15, 2010
Anniversaries and gray hairs...damn, getting old sucks.
Actual text conversation between my girlfriend and I today:
Me: I'm pretty sure I just plucked a gray hair from my eyebrow....depressing.
Her: Surely it was leftover from your blond days and just blond???
Me: Nope, I stared at it for 15 minutes trying to convince myself it was blond, but I really think it was gray.
Her: I now have 4 gray hairs. Question--do pubes go gray, too?
Me: So I've heard, but I have no evidence. Since I don't, like, make a habit of looking at old lady vaginas.
Her: I'm glad. What about old man penises?
Her again: Off subject--We should wear maternity pants always. That thick elastic band is so comfy!
Me: I know! Btw: Is it tacky to bring champagne to a resort? I'm sure they have it there, but I'm sure it's cheaper at the liquor store.
Me again: And bleh--I don't even like looking at young man penises...penises are just weird looking.
Her: Before I got pregnant, I would bring wine.
Me: So it's not tacky, just smart shopping, right?
Her: As long as you're not bringing it out like to the spa or whatever and just drinking it in your room, yeah.
What have we learned today boys and girls?
Gray hair, gray pubes and looking atold man young man penises: BAD.
Maternity pants and cheap champagne in your room at the resort: GOOD.
And on a totally unrelated note, today is my anniversary (well, I guess it's sort of related...we are going to the resort where I will be smuggling in some champagne and coincidentally, my husband has a penis. But it's not old....and it doesn't have gray pubes...TMI? Yeah, sorry). And I know that usually, bloggers like to write sappy prose about meeting the love of their lives and yadda yadda yadda. Surely this is not your expectation of me at this point?
Okay, okay....I mean, I do like the guy...hey, I married him, right? So here goes....
I was fortunate enough to marry someone who accepts me unconditionally, is a good father, looks good in a cowboy hat and likes to have fun almost as much as me. Not to mention, we like the same brand of beer, he boils some mean crawfish and loves my cooking. And I have to say, I think that makes me pretty damn lucky. Happy Anniversary babe!
Me: I'm pretty sure I just plucked a gray hair from my eyebrow....depressing.
Her: Surely it was leftover from your blond days and just blond???
Me: Nope, I stared at it for 15 minutes trying to convince myself it was blond, but I really think it was gray.
Her: I now have 4 gray hairs. Question--do pubes go gray, too?
Me: So I've heard, but I have no evidence. Since I don't, like, make a habit of looking at old lady vaginas.
Her: I'm glad. What about old man penises?
Her again: Off subject--We should wear maternity pants always. That thick elastic band is so comfy!
Me: I know! Btw: Is it tacky to bring champagne to a resort? I'm sure they have it there, but I'm sure it's cheaper at the liquor store.
Me again: And bleh--I don't even like looking at young man penises...penises are just weird looking.
Her: Before I got pregnant, I would bring wine.
Me: So it's not tacky, just smart shopping, right?
Her: As long as you're not bringing it out like to the spa or whatever and just drinking it in your room, yeah.
What have we learned today boys and girls?
Gray hair, gray pubes and looking at
Maternity pants and cheap champagne in your room at the resort: GOOD.
And on a totally unrelated note, today is my anniversary (well, I guess it's sort of related...we are going to the resort where I will be smuggling in some champagne and coincidentally, my husband has a penis. But it's not old....and it doesn't have gray pubes...TMI? Yeah, sorry). And I know that usually, bloggers like to write sappy prose about meeting the love of their lives and yadda yadda yadda. Surely this is not your expectation of me at this point?
Okay, okay....I mean, I do like the guy...hey, I married him, right? So here goes....
I was fortunate enough to marry someone who accepts me unconditionally, is a good father, looks good in a cowboy hat and likes to have fun almost as much as me. Not to mention, we like the same brand of beer, he boils some mean crawfish and loves my cooking. And I have to say, I think that makes me pretty damn lucky. Happy Anniversary babe!
Friday, July 9, 2010
Summer lovin'....or not.
This is what it feels like when I have writer's block....or when I feel the need to imitate a primate....or when I think I may have lice. Or when I can't remember if I turned the coffee pot off this morning.
God, it's just so easy to pick on him....I mean, just look at him for God's sake. He just *looks* like a dumb country boy....and trust me, when you rodeo, you've met one or two dumb country boys before.
But this is not a political blog and I don't want to incur the wrath of my Republican readers (of which I'm sure there are only a few), so moving on.
My whole grand plan of having lots of time off in the summer to write extra-witty, super-funny blog posts has not come to fruition. At all. *sigh* Instead my time off this summer has been filled with cheap movies, free bowling, the public library and pretty much anything else that's free/cheap and entertains my children for at least a couple of hours. Otherwise, they stare at the TV (I think I've pretty much seen every Hannah Montana ever made....and now I'm excitedly awaiting the premier this Sunday of the last season....I wish I was kidding). Sidebar: One cool thing they have discovered this summer is Wizard101. I'm not sure if your kids play it or not, but dude, you have got to check it out. Like, *I* want to play it. But of course, they will play it for 7 hours straight unless made to do something more productive.
The other thing that's happened to prevent the creation of my blogging empire this summer is that my husband has been hanging out. Like, with me. And the kids. All this family bonding is about to drive me fucking crazy. This is the blessing/curse that comes with a husband who owns his own business. He can blow off a couple of hours of returning phone calls, etc. to come with you to take the kids bowling.....which is really annoying fantastic obnoxious....er....nice. Which in turn results in this conversation:
Him: Are you really ordering a beer at free summer bowling at 11:15 in the morning?
Me: Are you really sitting here with me right now?
Him: I mean, I guess it's no big deal, but you're like the only person in this whole bowling alley drinking beer. And there's like, tons of kids and parents around...
Me: I'm a trend setter. Besides, all those moms over there? They're totally wishing they had spiked their travel coffee mugs with vodka.
Him: Yeah, they like had to get the bartender guy from the back where he hadn't even clocked in yet to fill your beer....don't you think that's a message that maybe it's a little early?
Me: Have you even read the first amendment? I have the right to life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness, which really means, drinking beer whenever and wherever the fuck I want to....duh.
Him: I don't think that's what that means.
Me: Oh yeah? Well, shut up.
Him: That's real mature.
Me (in a high-pitched voice): That's real mature.
Him: I'm going to work.
Mission: Accomplished.
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