I was raised in the middle of nowhere. I have ONE sister who is 7 years older than me so we both had our "only child" time with our parents. We rode horses, played softball, cheered and danced. My father worked out of town a lot, so we were very "estrogen heavy" in our household. I have a daughter and she is the only female grandchild on my side...so my mom and sister dote on her...alot.
My husband was raised out in the middle of nowhere, too. He is one of FOUR boys and they are all within 8 years of each other. They all rode horses, played football and baseball, and showed livestock. They ate 2 loaves of bread and drank 2 gallons of milk A DAY. The boys were all, at one time or another, grounded, getting a spanking or being made to move the rock pile in the yard to a different location so they could "think about what they had done". His dad coached all of them in baseball or football at one time or another so he was definitely in a testosterone driven environment for the most part. In his first marriage, he had a son who is a great kid and a "boy's boy" through and through.
And now, my husband is raising a girl.
And Ohmigod…the learning curve is steep. And I am amused.
Because the same rules? Don't apply.
For example, you cannot "tickle" or "wrestle" a girl out of a snit. When she is pissed, she is flat out pissed. And no amount of "funny daddy tickling time" will get her out of it. In fact, it generally serves to make her madder and then the crying starts. And then she wants to tell you how you hurt her feelings and she's not your best friend anymore. Which makes Ronnie laugh, but in "girl speak" is like, the meanest thing you can possibly say to someone.
Also, the brushing and fixing of the hair can make or break your day. If it's tangled and you're too rough? Drama ensues. If it's not fixed exactly right? Drama ensues. If she wants to wear the lime green barrette that matches absolutely nothing on her outfit rather than the pink one you say she has to wear? Drama ensues. And what does my man who is one of four boys and had a son the first go-round of being a father know about doing girl hair? Not much.
And clothes? *psssh* I once picked my daughter up at school after Ronnie was in charge of getting her dressed and there and she was dressed in head-to-toe camouflage. And the worst part? It wasn't even matching camouflage! Dude. Really? Was it, like, declare war on the other preschools day at school or something?
The other night, we were watching Parenthood (my new favorite show by the way) and the dad opened up a package that had been delivered that day from Victoria's Secret. He was all, "Wow honey…this black lace bra is going to look great on you. What's the special occasion?" And his wife was all, "I didn't order that…it's addressed to your daughter."
And he freaked out.
And so did Ronnie.
I'd feel sorry for him if I didn't think it was so good for him. Or if I wasn't kind of bitchy in that I enjoy watching him squirm at the thought of our daughter in a bra.
Oh Ronnie, the things we have yet to teach you, dear. Just wait till prom…you may have to just go out of town that weekend.
Friday, April 30, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Ed HardLY
Four years ago, my sister (who has always been much more fashionable than I) showed up at a party of mine in this super-cool vintage-looking tee shirt. I flippin' loved it! It was black and had all these vintage tattoo-like images on it and Ohmigod! It was awesome. It was so punk rock. It was…
You guessed it….
Ed Hardy.
And since then?
He has fucking taken over the universe.
No lie. It's not just clothes and shoes anymore, people….we're talking ALL facets of retail marketing have been inked up with Ed Hardy tattoo designs.
You can now buy Ed Hardy wine glasses:
Ed Hardy car accessories:
Ed Hardy school supplies:
Ed Hardy laptops:
Ed Hardy housewares:
Still don't have enough??
How about putting some Ed Hardy on the inside?!!? That's right…you can drink up some Ed Hardy….
Wine:
Or beer:
You guessed it….
Ed Hardy.
And since then?
He has fucking taken over the universe.
No lie. It's not just clothes and shoes anymore, people….we're talking ALL facets of retail marketing have been inked up with Ed Hardy tattoo designs.
You can now buy Ed Hardy wine glasses:
Ed Hardy car accessories:
Ed Hardy school supplies:
Ed Hardy laptops:
Ed Hardy computer accessories:
Ed Hardy housewares:
Still don't have enough??
How about putting some Ed Hardy on the inside?!!? That's right…you can drink up some Ed Hardy….
Wine:
Or beer:
Of course, you could do all of this at once and multiply your coolness! You could wear your Ed Hardy underwear and jogging suit with matching shoes while resting on your Ed Hardy bedspread and playing on your Ed Hardy laptop with your Ed Hardy USB plugged in while you sip some Ed Hardy wine out of your Ed Hardy wineglasses and your husband sips on an Ed Hardy beer checking your kid's homework in his Ed Hardy folder. Later if you feel like going out for pizza, jump in your car with all the sweet-ass Ed Hardy car accessories.
And we'll all call you Jon Gosselin from now on.
Tuesday, April 27, 2010
Sometimes I think *this* life is the fantasy one
I have a girlfriend from college whose brain, shockingly, works a lot like mine. One day we were out shopping and she admired a charcoal gray business suit.
"Ohmigod…I would so wear this in my corporate executive life."
Given that we were currently broke college students who wore jeans and sorority sweat shirts with Doc Marten sandals, I think my response was something like "Huh??"
She was all, "Oh yes, I have lots of different fantasy lives. Like in one, I'm a corporate executive who wears a suit like this to work, drives a mid-sized SUV and walks around with my flip phone glued to my ear screaming 'If those reports aren't on my desk when I get back to my office, heads are gonna roll people!'" And then, once we started discussing it, I realized I had a couple of fantasy lives as well…I had just never voiced anything about them in an attempt to, you know, avoid the whole "multiple personality disorder" question.
But I bet lots of people do it. I know tons of people in the late 20s to early 30s category who are still struggling with the question "Who am I?" or "What do I want to be when I grow up?" And in their heads? Are all those options. It's like trying on clothes…which outfit do I want to wear today? Hmmm…corporate executive or rock star? Stay-at-home mom or Greenpeace supporter? Cowboy fresh off the ranch or attorney headed to court?
So in my number one favorite fantasy life, I am a singer living in New York. I'm still single, wear jeans and black tank tops everywhere I go and smoke like a freight train. I sing in this little bar around the corner from my apartment 4 nights a week and never get up before noon. I'm constantly broke, but don't really care as long as I can afford rent, cigarettes and beer.
And this is why, in my 30s, I still buy shredded jeans, black tank tops and vintage cowboy boots….not to mention cigarettes and beer.
So now, every time I'm out shopping, I'll look at something and think, "Oh, I would totally wear that under my robe in my Supreme-Court-Justice fantasy life." Or "Those jeans would rock in my 80s-hair-band-groupie fantasy life!" Or even, since I was a rodeo child, "That shirt would look amazing running barrels in my professional-barrel-racer fantasy life".
And yes, a large majority of the clothes purchased when I'm nostalgic for one of my fantasy lives are still hanging in my closet with the tags still on them. Don't judge.
"Ohmigod…I would so wear this in my corporate executive life."
Given that we were currently broke college students who wore jeans and sorority sweat shirts with Doc Marten sandals, I think my response was something like "Huh??"
She was all, "Oh yes, I have lots of different fantasy lives. Like in one, I'm a corporate executive who wears a suit like this to work, drives a mid-sized SUV and walks around with my flip phone glued to my ear screaming 'If those reports aren't on my desk when I get back to my office, heads are gonna roll people!'" And then, once we started discussing it, I realized I had a couple of fantasy lives as well…I had just never voiced anything about them in an attempt to, you know, avoid the whole "multiple personality disorder" question.
But I bet lots of people do it. I know tons of people in the late 20s to early 30s category who are still struggling with the question "Who am I?" or "What do I want to be when I grow up?" And in their heads? Are all those options. It's like trying on clothes…which outfit do I want to wear today? Hmmm…corporate executive or rock star? Stay-at-home mom or Greenpeace supporter? Cowboy fresh off the ranch or attorney headed to court?
So in my number one favorite fantasy life, I am a singer living in New York. I'm still single, wear jeans and black tank tops everywhere I go and smoke like a freight train. I sing in this little bar around the corner from my apartment 4 nights a week and never get up before noon. I'm constantly broke, but don't really care as long as I can afford rent, cigarettes and beer.
And this is why, in my 30s, I still buy shredded jeans, black tank tops and vintage cowboy boots….not to mention cigarettes and beer.
So now, every time I'm out shopping, I'll look at something and think, "Oh, I would totally wear that under my robe in my Supreme-Court-Justice fantasy life." Or "Those jeans would rock in my 80s-hair-band-groupie fantasy life!" Or even, since I was a rodeo child, "That shirt would look amazing running barrels in my professional-barrel-racer fantasy life".
And yes, a large majority of the clothes purchased when I'm nostalgic for one of my fantasy lives are still hanging in my closet with the tags still on them. Don't judge.
Thursday, April 22, 2010
A bottle of body spray and a wet nap....reminds me of my 20s.
So I'm doing a little spring cleaning around the ol' blog. I've added a couple of fancy new gadgets.
First of all, on the top right corner, you'll notice that I'm now on BlogHer! Woohoo! This is kind of a big deal in the world of women bloggers! You have to like, be put on a waiting list and they have to check your site to make sure you measure up and then you have to send in a urine sample so they can ascertain your genetic superiority. Okay, maybe not that last one, but whatever…it's totally cool that I'm on BlogHer now! Too bad it looks really sad that I only have one follower….what the hell dudes? Afraid of a little blog commitment??
Anyway, the second new little item is the Shauna Glenn button on the bottom right. Damn she's cool. And I want to like, be her. And she totally doesn't have a clue who I am or that I even exist. Does that sound stalker-is? Probably. But whatever, she's cool and you can find her here http://www.shaunaglenn.com/, here http://www.aiminglow.com/ and here http://www.thebadmomsclub.com/ talking about all kinds of fun things involving her four kids (yes, FOUR and she's that skinny…we should all hate her) and her life in general.
And that pretty much sums up the changes around here.
Hey, I did say a "little" spring cleaning…get off me.
Speaking of spring cleaning…had to go get the girly wallet all checked out today. All is well in that area. And of course, I had to do the pre-cleaning ritual before heading down to the doctor's office. I always schedule my appointments as early in the morning as possible. Really, who schedules their yearly check-ups in the afternoon?? Then you have to deal with freshening up in the office bathroom….and trust me, everyone knows what you're doing when you walk into the office bathroom with a bottle of body spray and a wet nap. Just sayin'. I personally find that it's best to go first thing in the morning, right after your shower while the vajayjay is so fresh and so clean, clean.
So luckily, my obgyn is totally cool. I actually usually see her PA and she's even cooler. So we're chatting and catching up about what's been going on in the last year or whatever and a random thought occurred to me (shocker, right?). My random thought was this: Do you think obgyns have to have specific training on how to temper their reactions when they see a scary looking hoo ha? I mean, if I had to look at one that was like diseased or gross or whatever, I'm not sure I'd be able to play it off, you know?? I'd be all, "So, your little one is going to be starting sixth grade next year, huh? That's gr….HOLY SHIT BALLS! WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR VAGINA?!?!?". And then I'd get fired or lose my license or something for yelling "shit balls" and recommending a bottle of body spray and a wet nap prior to her next visit.
Sidebar: my spell check totally tried to turn "obgyn" into "orgy"…and I snorted.
First of all, on the top right corner, you'll notice that I'm now on BlogHer! Woohoo! This is kind of a big deal in the world of women bloggers! You have to like, be put on a waiting list and they have to check your site to make sure you measure up and then you have to send in a urine sample so they can ascertain your genetic superiority. Okay, maybe not that last one, but whatever…it's totally cool that I'm on BlogHer now! Too bad it looks really sad that I only have one follower….what the hell dudes? Afraid of a little blog commitment??
Anyway, the second new little item is the Shauna Glenn button on the bottom right. Damn she's cool. And I want to like, be her. And she totally doesn't have a clue who I am or that I even exist. Does that sound stalker-is? Probably. But whatever, she's cool and you can find her here http://www.shaunaglenn.com/, here http://www.aiminglow.com/ and here http://www.thebadmomsclub.com/ talking about all kinds of fun things involving her four kids (yes, FOUR and she's that skinny…we should all hate her) and her life in general.
And that pretty much sums up the changes around here.
Hey, I did say a "little" spring cleaning…get off me.
Speaking of spring cleaning…had to go get the girly wallet all checked out today. All is well in that area. And of course, I had to do the pre-cleaning ritual before heading down to the doctor's office. I always schedule my appointments as early in the morning as possible. Really, who schedules their yearly check-ups in the afternoon?? Then you have to deal with freshening up in the office bathroom….and trust me, everyone knows what you're doing when you walk into the office bathroom with a bottle of body spray and a wet nap. Just sayin'. I personally find that it's best to go first thing in the morning, right after your shower while the vajayjay is so fresh and so clean, clean.
So luckily, my obgyn is totally cool. I actually usually see her PA and she's even cooler. So we're chatting and catching up about what's been going on in the last year or whatever and a random thought occurred to me (shocker, right?). My random thought was this: Do you think obgyns have to have specific training on how to temper their reactions when they see a scary looking hoo ha? I mean, if I had to look at one that was like diseased or gross or whatever, I'm not sure I'd be able to play it off, you know?? I'd be all, "So, your little one is going to be starting sixth grade next year, huh? That's gr….HOLY SHIT BALLS! WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR VAGINA?!?!?". And then I'd get fired or lose my license or something for yelling "shit balls" and recommending a bottle of body spray and a wet nap prior to her next visit.
Sidebar: my spell check totally tried to turn "obgyn" into "orgy"…and I snorted.
Wednesday, April 21, 2010
I love when I remember important days
Today is Administrative Professionals' Day (which is like the new, fancier term for "secretary"…which I guess is out of fashion or out of date or something. I prefer the term "Assistant Extraordinaire", but it's a little long to put on a nameplate). Anyway, I *actually* have to know this because I, believe it or not, have an assistant.
I know!
How the hell did that happen?? When did I become grown up or important enough to rank an assistant??
She's fantastic…and old enough to be my mother. But it works…because she totally takes care of me and my office and all of my oodles of filing. The only reason I can find stuff in my files when people need it? Is because of her. She comes in once a week is all, so it's not like she's at my beck and call…but still!? She's awesome.
Honestly though, the whole assistant thing totally freaked me out when I started this job. I was like, "An assistant? What am I supposed to do with her? I mean, I don't want to tell this person who is old enough to be my mother that she needs to do all of my copying and filing for me!". So then began the quest to figure out how to professionally tell someone that they need to do something for you without sounding like a total ball-busting class-A bitch.
It was hard.
Anybody can boss somebody around, right?
But to do it so that you still like each other at the end of the day? Tough.
We communicated via sticky notes most of the time because I just couldn't deal with the face-to-face bossing of this sweet, wonderful lady. Finally she was all "Look, you don't have to write everything down on sticky notes. Just tell me what you want me to do when I come in and I'll take care of it." And then I was all, "But I don't want to sound like I'm bossing you around". And she was like, "Duh you idiot…that's kind of my job." (Except she didn’t call me an idiot and she never says "duh". But it was totally almost sort of like that.)
AND she brings me candied pecans and almonds every Christmas and never forgets my birthday. I kind of think I want to marry her…except she's already married. Dammit!
Anyway, Happy Day Assistant Extraordinaire! Don't ever leave…because then, I'll have to actually learn how to file and alphabetize things.
I know!
How the hell did that happen?? When did I become grown up or important enough to rank an assistant??
She's fantastic…and old enough to be my mother. But it works…because she totally takes care of me and my office and all of my oodles of filing. The only reason I can find stuff in my files when people need it? Is because of her. She comes in once a week is all, so it's not like she's at my beck and call…but still!? She's awesome.
Honestly though, the whole assistant thing totally freaked me out when I started this job. I was like, "An assistant? What am I supposed to do with her? I mean, I don't want to tell this person who is old enough to be my mother that she needs to do all of my copying and filing for me!". So then began the quest to figure out how to professionally tell someone that they need to do something for you without sounding like a total ball-busting class-A bitch.
It was hard.
Anybody can boss somebody around, right?
But to do it so that you still like each other at the end of the day? Tough.
We communicated via sticky notes most of the time because I just couldn't deal with the face-to-face bossing of this sweet, wonderful lady. Finally she was all "Look, you don't have to write everything down on sticky notes. Just tell me what you want me to do when I come in and I'll take care of it." And then I was all, "But I don't want to sound like I'm bossing you around". And she was like, "Duh you idiot…that's kind of my job." (Except she didn’t call me an idiot and she never says "duh". But it was totally almost sort of like that.)
AND she brings me candied pecans and almonds every Christmas and never forgets my birthday. I kind of think I want to marry her…except she's already married. Dammit!
Anyway, Happy Day Assistant Extraordinaire! Don't ever leave…because then, I'll have to actually learn how to file and alphabetize things.
Monday, April 19, 2010
The day is young, my friends...the day is young.
Random thoughts I've had so far today:
• If I completely stopped folding all of the laundry, I think my husband would just continue to move it from our bed to the floor every night before getting in bed. He appears to have no problem with this system...
• Is it unprofessional to wear black eyeliner to work? Do people look at me and wonder why I'm made up like a hooker when I have on black eyeliner in a meeting? I'm a big fan of black eyeliner though, so I'm not sure I totally care?
• I was cleaning out my snack cabinet in my office and found a jar of peanuts. Really? Who eats peanuts when they're not 1. on an airplane or 2. in a bar? I certainly don't. So why the hell do I have a jar of peanuts in my snack cabinet? Random…
• One should never underestimate the power of Crown Royal over a grown man. Especially when said grown man has already had a couple of beers and is away from home on a company sponsored deep-sea fishing trip.
• I just learned that April is Autism Awareness Month AND that 1 in every 70 boys born will have some form of Autism. So Mrs. Duggar? I think you should just stop now. Really? You're pushing the odds, sister…I'm just sayin'….
• It is also Sexually Transmitted Disease Awareness Month. Think Tara Reid or Lindsay Lohan will have a party to help "spread awareness"? Well, they'll certainly spread *something*…
• There is surely not any place scarier than the Ross Dress for Less store on a Saturday afternoon.
• I honestly told my husband on Sunday when we had a couple of hours of "alone time" that I would rather just give him a BJ because I was on my period and felt too bloated and crampy to take my clothes off for sex. I think this qualifies me for some kind of "Wife of the Year Award" in his eyes, but to me? It was just plain laziness.
• Good thing my mom has quit reading my blog (she claimed her heart couldn't take much more), since I just totally talked about giving the husband a BJ. (You *do* know what a BJ is, right Mom?? Oh wait…you're not reading this…never mind.)
• If my mom is reading this, I'm pretty sure she may have just had a heart attack.
• If I completely stopped folding all of the laundry, I think my husband would just continue to move it from our bed to the floor every night before getting in bed. He appears to have no problem with this system...
• Is it unprofessional to wear black eyeliner to work? Do people look at me and wonder why I'm made up like a hooker when I have on black eyeliner in a meeting? I'm a big fan of black eyeliner though, so I'm not sure I totally care?
• I was cleaning out my snack cabinet in my office and found a jar of peanuts. Really? Who eats peanuts when they're not 1. on an airplane or 2. in a bar? I certainly don't. So why the hell do I have a jar of peanuts in my snack cabinet? Random…
• One should never underestimate the power of Crown Royal over a grown man. Especially when said grown man has already had a couple of beers and is away from home on a company sponsored deep-sea fishing trip.
• I just learned that April is Autism Awareness Month AND that 1 in every 70 boys born will have some form of Autism. So Mrs. Duggar? I think you should just stop now. Really? You're pushing the odds, sister…I'm just sayin'….
• It is also Sexually Transmitted Disease Awareness Month. Think Tara Reid or Lindsay Lohan will have a party to help "spread awareness"? Well, they'll certainly spread *something*…
• There is surely not any place scarier than the Ross Dress for Less store on a Saturday afternoon.
• I honestly told my husband on Sunday when we had a couple of hours of "alone time" that I would rather just give him a BJ because I was on my period and felt too bloated and crampy to take my clothes off for sex. I think this qualifies me for some kind of "Wife of the Year Award" in his eyes, but to me? It was just plain laziness.
• Good thing my mom has quit reading my blog (she claimed her heart couldn't take much more), since I just totally talked about giving the husband a BJ. (You *do* know what a BJ is, right Mom?? Oh wait…you're not reading this…never mind.)
• If my mom is reading this, I'm pretty sure she may have just had a heart attack.
Thursday, April 15, 2010
No offense to Tammy
I'm shocked at the number of people I've mentioned this video clip to recently who have no clue what I'm talking about...so I'm posting it today.
And I need to go get my toes did...so that's what made me think of it.
BTW: Thinking of beautification and all the lengths that women will go to to look good, I have to tell you this: I have a friend who just bought a tanning bed...like, for her house. Um...wtf? I had no idea you could buy skin cancer on the internet?!?! And who has room in their house for a tanning bed?? I mean, is that something you just stick in the guest room?? "Oh hey Aunt Kim! I'm so glad you guys could make it to town! Let me show you to your room. What? No, silly...that's not a coffin! It's a tanning bed! See?? It's given me this great orangey, brownish, leathery skin look! Isn't it awesome??!! You should totally buy one for your house!"
Yeeaahh....not my scene.
But I'm totally down with the mani/pedi.
And I need to go get my toes did...so that's what made me think of it.
BTW: Thinking of beautification and all the lengths that women will go to to look good, I have to tell you this: I have a friend who just bought a tanning bed...like, for her house. Um...wtf? I had no idea you could buy skin cancer on the internet?!?! And who has room in their house for a tanning bed?? I mean, is that something you just stick in the guest room?? "Oh hey Aunt Kim! I'm so glad you guys could make it to town! Let me show you to your room. What? No, silly...that's not a coffin! It's a tanning bed! See?? It's given me this great orangey, brownish, leathery skin look! Isn't it awesome??!! You should totally buy one for your house!"
Yeeaahh....not my scene.
But I'm totally down with the mani/pedi.
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